Life is good but it’s not without issues

gostang9 · Jul 10, 2019

Sorry to hear about your BIL, glad to hear you and your wife have agreed on a solution.

My BIL is great, but my wife had to make a decision a few years ago to make me a priority over her brother. He's the older brother, and we often vacation with him, his wife and daughter. Whenever he would suggest an expensive hotel (ie: Four Seasons Maui at Wailea) she would quickly agree because he'd suggested it. Whenever I'd suggest something (ie: book first class flights) she'd say no and wouldn't want to spend the money. For a long time she couldn't see how she listened to his suggestions and blocked mine. It came to a head a few years ago and since then she makes a conscious effort to take my side. I don't share my story to in any way say it's similar to your situation, because it isn't at all. I only share because I've seen how easily a wife can favor her brother over her husband and be somewhat oblivious to it.

When it comes to siblings taking advantage, my brothers come much closer to trying that occasionally, and my wife has always been firm up front to prevent me from falling for it.

Ultimately it's important to be very closely aligned with your spouse because living in a house filled with resentment would be a terrible way to live. Glad you and yours seem to be on the same page!

voere · Jul 10, 2019

BlackTalon
How much rent has the BIL been paying you? If zero, that was the start of the problem...

I agree with some people above who cap visits at 3 or so days. Sadly my wife is from a culture where month-long visits are the norm -- it is not visiting, it is freaking going to live there... I just don't get it, especially when travel o/ from is only a single 9 hour airplane flight -- it's not like it is a two month journey each way. The past 3 years it has been my wife taking our young son to visit her parents; the first time it was for over a month. I kept requesting a shortening of the visits, as I miss a lot of time watching my son grow up. They just left this past week for a visit; it is down to three weeks now. But it is a one-way street -- no way do I want her mom visiting and staying at my house that long. We have to entertain her, alter our daily routine, etc., and then she complains she feels like a prisoner (she doesn't speak much English and we live in the suburbs, so she mainly sits on a computer reading news sites all day).

Capping visits with my wife’s family just does not happen. When they visit it’s usually a month or more When we visit them, I try to keep it down to two weeks or less. My wife is foreign born and raised in Sicily. Actually, I like my wife’s parents. My brother in law is the exception. My two sisters in laws are also great gals.

When my wife’s family would visit us in the USA long stays were the norm. When we would visit them, I would stay a couple weeks. Make an excuse I have to go back to work. My wife and kids would stay behind another month or so. I have no issue with that.

My mother in law did not get along when I was dating my wife. I would always pull some nonsense to rile her up. One time I went over to her parents’ house to pick my future bride up for a date. My future wife was never ready. I had to shoot the breeze with her mom and dad.

My future bride was getting ready for our date. She came down the stairs from the second floor. She had a short dress on. Showing a lot of leg. My future father in law said to me she looks beautiful. That’s my baby. I told him she will always be your baby but she is mine now.

My future mother in law started to freak out telling her daughter to change her dress. I told her she looks great in that dress and we have to go or we will be late for our dinner reservations. My father in law just laughed. He’s a great guy. Just to upset momma. Momma was watching us out the window walking to my car.

I opened the car door for my future wife as she was starting to get in the car, I smacked her in the butt. I turned around seen the look on my future mother in laws face I smiled and waved at her and drove off. My future wife was telling me jack ass momma is going to be all over me when I get home. I told my future wife tell her don’t worry about it we will be married soon

Wryfox · Jul 10, 2019

voere
Capping visits with my wife’s family just does not happen. When they visit it’s usually a month or more When we visit them, I try to keep it down to two weeks or less. My wife is foreign born and raised in Sicily. Actually, I like my wife’s parents. My brother in law is the exception. My two sisters in laws are also great gals.

When my wife’s family would visit us in the USA long stays were the norm. When we would visit them, I would stay a couple weeks. Make an excuse I have to go back to work. My wife and kids would stay behind another month or so. I have no issue with that.

My mother in law did not get along when I was dating my wife. I would always pull some nonsense to riel her up. One time I went over to her parents’ house to pick my future bride up for a date. My future wife was never ready. I had to shoot the breeze with her mom and dad.

My future bride was getting ready for our date. She came down the stairs from the second floor. She had a short dress on. Showing a lot of leg. My future father in law said to me she looks beautiful. That’s my baby. I told him she will always be your baby but she is mine now.

My future mother in law started to freak out telling her daughter to change her dress. I told her she looks great in that dress and we have to go or we will be late for our dinner reservations. My father in law just laughed. He’s a great guy. Just to upset momma. Momma was watching us out the window walking to my car.

I opened the car door for my future wife as she was starting to get in the car, I smacked her in the butt. I turned around seen the look on my future mother in laws face I smiled and waved at her and drove off. My future wife was telling me jack ass momma is going to be all over me when I get home. I told my future wife tell her don’t worry about it we will be married soon

Like a Boss! Kudos

Stufflers Mom · Jul 10, 2019

Evitzee
Your problem is with your wife, not your BIL (an abbreviation I've never seen before). As long as she feels 'sorry' for him he isn't leaving. Most women don't like to entertain freeloaders, brother or otherwise. You need a serious talk with the wifey to find out what's driving her and what her plan is to get the brother up on his feet and out of the house, or is she content to let him live permanently in your house?

I agree, it's the 710 that is at fault, she married you, not her brother.

voere · Jul 10, 2019

Wryfox
Like a Boss! Kudos

At the time I would tease my future mother in law. My father in law knew I was going to ask his daughter to marry me. My father in law went to a local priest that from time to time would work on the military base I was stationed. It just so happened I knew the priest so he gave my future father in law a good account of me.

A few days go by I ran into the priest off base. He told me my future wife’s father was asking about me. A few weeks earlier I went to the priest and asked him what was the process to marry a local. He gave me the information. Very easy process.

The priest told my future father in law I planned on marrying his daughter. He was fine with that. My future father in did not tell his wife. He wanted that to come from his daughter. A few days later I met with my future father in law and asked him for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

He was very happy I asked him. With him he is old school Sicilian set in his ways and beliefs. We get along fine he’s more like a second father to me than a father in law.

The Father · Jul 10, 2019

airansun
Bear in mind that, in most jurisdictions, once you charge rent, your BIL suddenly has renter’s rights and a formal eviction process may be legally required, which can take months.

This is the reason I’ve never charged any of my adult children rent when they’ve come back home to ‘regroup’.

There you go, once they pay a dollar, all sorts of inane rights begin.

Taddyangle · Jul 10, 2019

BlackTalon
...Sadly my wife is from a culture where month-long visits are the norm -- it is not visiting, it is freaking going to live there...

On my side, culturally it is expected when you visit family you stay at their home. Renting a hotel is NOT even a consideration. Years back when I was newly married we visited family. After two days I told my wife I needed to get a hotel. The family was largely offended by this.... My wife was a trooper as we slept on the living room floor along with others in the family that were visiting. I think I was like 25 or 26 years old. My wife was largely concerned about offending the relatives, but she was new to the family, so she did not know any better. We are on the same page now, hence the rule that no relatives spend the night.

I also don't talk watches with relatives.

Steve88M3 · Jul 10, 2019

Grown men need to be grown men.

Kick that fool out. It's your house.

nonuffinkbloke · Jul 10, 2019

voere
Brother In law

Yes I'm aware of that mate.😀 The context of the original post indicated what you meant by "my BIL".

I just love the way these acronyms are put together, and written down as if they are actually part of the English langauge. Having said that, @kippyk has added a "FIL" and a "MIL" into the situation. No doubt somewhere there will be a SIL and a DIL knocking about.

Just out of interest would a SIL be a Sister-in-law, a Son-in-law, or both? 😁

The Father · Jul 10, 2019

nonuffinkbloke
Yes I'm aware of that mate.😀 The context of the original post indicated what you meant by "my BIL".

I just love the way these acronyms are put together, and written down as if they are actually part of the English langauge. Having said that, @kippyk has added a "FIL" and a "MIL" into the situation. No doubt somewhere there will be a SIL and a DIL knocking about.

Just out of interest would a SIL be a Sister-in-law, a Son-in-law, or both? 😁

Now if we had a MILF overstaying their welcome, that would be OK

Evitzee · Jul 10, 2019

@voere I wish you luck, but why does this guy need 30 days to get his affairs in order? The longer you drag this out the harder it will be to get him to leave. At the 7 day mark you should have a group meeting to assess his progress, which likely will be none. Use a cattle prod for the next 30 days or you'll never get rid of him.

STANDY · Jul 10, 2019

I am going to count this down for you.

30 days to go.

Evitzee · Jul 10, 2019

The Father
Now if we had a MILF overstaying their welcome, that would be OK

Oh, baby. Need a sponge bath?

michael22 · Jul 10, 2019

Evitzee
@voere I wish you luck, but why does this guy need 30 days to get his affairs in order? The longer you drag this out the harder it will be to get him to leave. At the 7 day mark you should have a group meeting to assess his progress, which likely will be none. Use a cattle prod for the next 30 days or you'll never get rid of him.

He already has a job, 30 days gives him time to be sacked. 30 days is too long, in my book.
I think a little effort tracking down some accomodation for him would be time well spent. It will be an extra sign you are serious, & he won't be able to spin some story about a lack of accomodation.

yande · Jul 10, 2019

I have 3 brother-in-laws. One Australian, one German and one American, the latter deceased. They would get together every few years and not once in the past 40 years did I ever seen them argue. Drunk yes, but not argue.

kidkimura · Jul 10, 2019

voere
Then I told him you have to be the laziest white person I ever met.

I hate to pick this scab, but...

I'm not sure what the OF overt racism policy is, but this feels pretty gauche from where I sit. 🤮🤮

gostang9 · Jul 10, 2019

Evitzee
@voere I wish you luck, but why does this guy need 30 days to get his affairs in order? The longer you drag this out the harder it will be to get him to leave. At the 7 day mark you should have a group meeting to assess his progress, which likely will be none. Use a cattle prod for the next 30 days or you'll never get rid of him.

I got the feeling 30 days was needed for the wife to feel like they’d given him enough time so she didn’t have to feel too guilty.

voere · Jul 10, 2019

kidkimura
I hate to pick this scab, but...

I'm not sure what the OF overt racism policy is, but this feels pretty gauche from where I sit. 🤮🤮

I apologize if anyone took my white person remark as offensive. That was NOT was not my intention

The statement I made was only directed at my brother in law. That was intended to needle him and hopefully tick him off.

Do not take offense over a comment I made. My brother in law does not like to be called a white person or lazy.

When someone threatens to punch me in the face along with intimidation tactics. All bets are off as to what I might say or do. I’m not lacking in grace, unsophisticated inept and I'm not a racist.

With your racist comment you sure do presume something that is not there.

voere · Jul 10, 2019

STANDY
I am going to count this down for you.

30 days to go.

Now it's down to 29 days 28 minutes

voere · Jul 10, 2019

gostang9
I got the feeling 30 days was needed for the wife to feel like they’d given him enough time so she didn’t have to feel too guilty.

You are correct about the time limit my wife wants to give him.
My wife's older sister was sitting in on the conversation I replied 30 days back to my wife. Then my reply was how about tonight. My sister in law just rolled her eyes and smiled at me. When both of them were going out the door to have a lunch date. My sister in law gave me a hug and said 30 days will go by if a flash.

Life is good but it’s not without issues

gostang9

voere

Wryfox

Stufflers Mom

voere

The Father

Taddyangle

Steve88M3

nonuffinkbloke

The Father

Evitzee

STANDY

Evitzee

michael22

yande

kidkimura

gostang9

voere

voere

voere

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