Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

M'Bob
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Johnny was in bible study class one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of Johnny..

The teacher asks Sally who our Lord and savior was. Little Johnny pokes her in the ass with a pin and she yells "Jesus Christ!" And falls back to sleep.

A little while later the teacher asks Sally who created our world. Johnny poked her in the ass again with a pin and she screams "my god!" And falls back to sleep.

Later the teacher asks Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fourth child. Johnny pokes her in the ass with the pin again and Sally screams "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"
 
Archer
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lindo lindo
A professor stood before his philosophy class

Yes, clearly this wasn't a class full of science students...
 
JimInOz
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Archer Archer
Yes, clearly this wasn't a class full of science students...
An engineering class would have finished the beers before the professor even entered the room.
 
pdxleaf
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JimInOz JimInOz
An engineering class would have finished the beers before the professor even entered the room.

A science class would have brewed their own.

A finance class would have bought the beer from the science class.

An art class would be too hung over to attend class.
 
BlackTalon
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JimInOz JimInOz
An engineering class would have finished the beers before the professor even entered the room.
The engineers would have known how inefficient beer is, and would have opened a bottle of liquor.
 
M'Bob
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During English class the teacher asks, "Has anyone ever heard of the word contagious before?"

Johnny raises his hand: "Of course Miss" Johnny replies. "My father actually said it when we were talking yesterday.”

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?" she said.

"Yes, Miss. We were watching the neighbor take her garbage out when her bin tipped over, spilling rubbish all over the driveway, Dad said, 'it's going to take that contagious to pick all that up'."
 
Duracuir1
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“A 22-year-old soldier (name withheld) from the Parachute Regiment, temporarily stationed at the Credenhill Base, on Special Forces selection, was arrested by a female Police officer who, found the Soldier fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field on Callow Marsh, Hereford at night.

The Soldier appeared, at Hereford magistrates court today, charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour in a public place, public indecency and being drunk and disorderly. Giving evidence the accused explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch whilst walking on his way home from a drinking session at Saxty’s Wine Bar when he decided to stop to urinate in the field.

The Soldier went on to say that he walked over to the side of the field and noticed the pumpkins, so he picked out one that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. When asked why he had started to carry out the sexual act with the pumpkin, the Soldier stated ‘I guess I just really got into it’ he gave this answer to the Court without evident embarrassment.

Prosecuting solicitor, Mr. Jones told the court that; “In the process of doing the deed, the Soldier failed to notice an approaching West Mercia Police car on rural patrol and was unaware of his audience until WPC Brenda Taylor approached him “It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said WPC Taylor. 'I walked up to the Soldier and he was just humping away at this pumpkin.' WPC Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached the Soldier.

I said, “excuse me sir, but do you realise that you're having sex with a pumpkin”

He froze in the beam of my torchlight and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin,.. s*** is it midnight already”

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. The Soldier was found guilty only of being drunk and disorderly and fined £50.00 and sent on his way. The Hereford Times wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."
 
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