Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

M'Bob
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FOR HUSBANDS WHO PREFER YOUNGER WOMEN

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife, and left it on the dining room table:

"To my dear wife, you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My dear husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would also like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and, like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who also has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
 
redpcar
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The bartender says: "We don't serve Tachyons here"


A Tachyon walks into a bar.
 
Bumper
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If you boil a funny bone, does it become a laughing stock?

Also, if i feel disoriented, am i no longer Asian?
 
M'Bob
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The Perfect Husband:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
 
Edward53
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I was visited last night by the ghost of Richard Dawkins. He said "I'm here with a message for you. There is no afterlife."
 
staristheanswer
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There was a spy competition and three of the best spy agencies were invited to compete between them
FBI,KGB and the Albanian spy agency called SHIK.
The competition was to release a rabbit and the fastest of the agencies that finding the rabbit,wins.
First was FBI:
They release the rabbit and in ten minutes FBI finds it.
Second was KGB:
They release the rabbit and after 12 minutes they find the rabbit:
Third was SHIK:
They release the rabbit and the time passes...one hour pass two hours,three hours and then the jury goes in
the jungle to find the agents of SHIK.
After a while they find them.
They had captured the monkey and torturing him and asking:
WHERE IS THE RABBIT?
WHERE THE FK IS THE RABBIT?
TALK...NOW!
 
w154
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That’s a SHIT joke.


Edit: I typed SHIK but I think my autocorrect was right for once 😁
 
alam
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and one more opportunity for another Speedmaster LE ...

😀
 
9B883AAF-AEB1-45B2-AEF1-66E282528CE2.jpeg
Edward53
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staristheanswer staristheanswer
There was a spy competition and three of the best spy agencies were invited to compete between them
FBI,KGB and the Albanian spy agency called SHIK.
The competition was to release a rabbit and the fastest of the agencies that finding the rabbit,wins.
First was FBI:
They release the rabbit and in ten minutes FBI finds it.
Second was KGB:
They release the rabbit and after 12 minutes they find the rabbit:
Third was SHIK:
They release the rabbit and the time passes...one hour pass two hours,three hours and then the jury goes in
the jungle to find the agents of SHIK.
After a while they find them.
They had captured the monkey and torturing him and asking:
WHERE IS THE RABBIT?
WHERE THE FK IS THE RABBIT?
TALK...NOW!

It's a little-known fact that Aesop wrote some of his fables under the influence of LSD. Luckily, his friends persuaded him to leave them out of the final version.
 
staristheanswer
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Edward53 Edward53
It's a little-known fact that Aesop wrote some of his fables under the influence of LSD. Luckily, his friends persuaded him to leave them out of the final version.
What a pitty they did so!!
 
JwRosenthal
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Told to me by a professor of Russian Literarure who hears the joke in Russia during the Cold War:

Due to an over population problem in a China, the WHO sends three doctors to perform free vacetomies- an American, and Frenchman, and a Russian. The American doctor was able to perform 8 vacectomies per day, the Frenchman 12 and the Russian-30. The American and French doctors were so intrigued by the high numbers of the Russian they asked to sit in one morning to observe.
The first man comes in and drops is trousers and the Russian picks up 2 bricks and -THWACK!. He had the patient carried out and right behind comes another- THWACK!. Right then the American pipes up - “ good-God man, do you have any idea how painful that is??”
The Russian replies “yes, especially when you get your thumbs caught between the bricks”
 
M'Bob
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A guy calls his wife from the golf club:

"Honey, I know it's your birthday, but if you just let me play nine holes, I promise to come right home and spend
the rest of the day with you." She begrudgingly agrees.

On the way home after the round, he sees a stunningly beautiful woman broken down by the road, and stops to help. She is so grateful that she invites him back to her place for some drinks and wild sex. Afterwards, he notices the time and how late he is, and speeds home to his wife.

On the way back, he is concocting a million excuses, and finally, decides to fess up and tell the truth.

"On the way home from the club, I stopped to help this woman who was broken down, and I went back to her place and had sex. I am so sorry."

She was furious. " You fυcking played 18, didn't you?"
 
Mad Dog
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42F4654A-631A-417C-BA7A-5CF3244CCC83.gif


Speaking of “Church”...here’s a “Church” joke that I recall from elementary school [circa late 1960s/early 1970s]...

Confucius said, “A man who farts in Church sits in his own pew”.
 
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