Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Darlinboy
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Delta recently introduced a special half-fare for spouses to accompany their partner on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the spouses of those who had used the special fare, asking for their feedback on the trip.


Emails are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
 
madjestikmoose
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Girlfriend: "I'm so fed up with your obsession with pretending to be a cop. We should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
 
budgewink
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Anyone tried one of those wookie steaks?
.... they're tasy but a bit chewie.
 
Faz
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The Pope shows up at JFK airport on a visit to the USA. He approaches the limo driver and asks if he can drive. The driver obliges and sits in the back and enjoys the ride. The limo gets pulled over for speeding. When the officer notices the Pope is driving, he immediately calls dispatch...

Police officer.. "Officer Brown here. I just pulled a limo with a über VIP on board, they were speeding. What do I do?"
Dispatcher.."No special treatment, give the bastard a ticket
Police officer..."But, but, this guy is BIG! His limo driver is the Pope!
::rimshot::
 
Canuck
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Hung a mirror for the missus today, and it reminded me of this.

Spider, spider, on the wall,
Spider, spider, won’t you fall,
Don’t you know the wall’s been plastered,
Get off the wall you stupid spider.
 
Canuck
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At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind thecounter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for hermobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me abig smile, nodded her head and said,
For sex sex, wan free sex, for tonigh free."
I replied, " Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable! "A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder andsaid, "Don't get excited: What she said was :466-136-4293"
 
Canuck
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In another thread, someone mentioned a Zippo lighter. I am not certain this joke appeared here on the OB, but I was unable to find it. So here goes!

The difference between a hippo and a Zippo?_ _ _ _ One is a little lighter!
 
M'Bob
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image.jpeg



@Wryfox, I showed this little guy your picture below, and he asked, "What is it?"

image.jpeg


I said, "Isnt it obvious? It's a picture of Uranus."
 
Darlinboy
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A guy is driving down a back country country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard holding up a pig so it can eat an apple right off the tree. As he slowed to look, the farmer set the pig down, then picked up another pig and let it eat an apple too. More pigs milled around the farmer, apparently waiting their turn.

Mesmerized, the guy pulls over, watches a bit longer as the farmer feeds one pig after another, Then, his curiosity finally getting the better of him, walks over to the farmer and asks, "Wouldn't it save a lot of time to just knock the apples out of the tree onto ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?"

The farmer turned and gave him a look, then rolled his eyes and said, "Well now mister I reckon that’s a pretty dumb question ... time don’t mean nothing to a pig"
Edited:
 
DaveK
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If you can’t recall a word that you are searching for, say “I can’t think of the word in English”. That way, people will think you are bilingual, and not just an idiot 😉
Edited:
 
Mouse_at_Large
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I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys on stage, then dropped the microphone on his foot and shouted "F*ck me"

What happened next will haunt me forever....
 
Edward53
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A man is walking down the street in Ireland when he sees a boy sobbing his heart out.
- Why sonny, what's the matter?
- It's me Mam, she's dead!
- Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that! Shall I go and fetch Father Murphy?
- No thanks Mister, sex is the last thing on me mind right now.
 
time flies
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Edward53 Edward53
A man is walking down the street in Ireland when he sees a boy sobbing his heart out.
- Why sonny, what's the matter?
- It's me Mam, she's dead!
- Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that! Shall I go and fetch Father Murphy?
- No thanks Mister, sex is the last thing on me mind right now.
I know it's wrong...but I'm laughing. God bless us each and every one.

have fun
kfw
 
Darlinboy
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Q: How many bloviating asshat amateur economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one -- he holds the light bulb and the whole earth revolves around him.

😉
 
Edward53
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"Bloviating". Hmm, not a word I've encountered before. Let me just look through my dictionary....tum tee tum tee tum... ah, seems it's an Americanism for talking emptily at great length. You learn something new every day!

"Asshat". Well, at least I know what that means.

Poster-Print-entitled-Donkey-%28Equus-hemonius%29-wearing-straw-hat.jpg
 
redpcar
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A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician shouts, "We got him!"
 
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