- Posts
- 1,174
- Likes
- 7,600
Buck2466
·I dropped my swear jar earlier....
Over 100 motherfuckers escaped...
Over 100 motherfuckers escaped...
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
- Posts
- 8,742
- Likes
- 69,419
Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!
- Posts
- 8,742
- Likes
- 69,419
Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
George fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents the Star of Bethlehem," he said.
"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.
Ted reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're jingle bells."
Saint Peter said, "Well, that’s a bit secular, but you may also enter heaven."
Bill started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's thong panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what,” he asked with a raised eyebrow. “do those symbolize??”
Bill replied with a grin, "These are Carol's."
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
George fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents the Star of Bethlehem," he said.
"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.
Ted reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're jingle bells."
Saint Peter said, "Well, that’s a bit secular, but you may also enter heaven."
Bill started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's thong panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what,” he asked with a raised eyebrow. “do those symbolize??”
Bill replied with a grin, "These are Carol's."
- Posts
- 638
- Likes
- 1,196
Bumper
·A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.
The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of rioja and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the rioja and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.
The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.
While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"
The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."
The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"
The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.
The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of rioja and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the rioja and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.
The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.
While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"
The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."
The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"
The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
- Posts
- 638
- Likes
- 1,196
Bumper
·Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan
- Posts
- 14,323
- Likes
- 41,275
- Posts
- 2,152
- Likes
- 16,534
- Posts
- 3,133
- Likes
- 5,559
Edward53
·It is a cold, wet, miserable Christmas Eve and Scrooge is alone at home sitting by a roaring log fire. He hears a noise at the door and opens it, but no-one is there so he shuts the door. He hears the noise again, he opens the door and this time he looks down. There, on the doorstep, is a snail. The snail looks up at him and says, Oh please Mr Scrooge, I don't ask for anything to eat or drink, but it's so cold and horrible outside and if I could just come and be in the warm for half an hour, that would be so nice! Scrooge looks down at the snail and says, What, me have a snail in the house just because it's Christmas? Bah, humbug! And he picks up the snail, drop-kicks it down the garden and slams the door.
Next Christmas Eve the weather is just as bad. Scrooge is again sitting at home when he hears the same noise at the door as last year. He opens it, looks down and there is the snail, who looks up at him and says.....
..........What the f--- did you do that for??!!
Next Christmas Eve the weather is just as bad. Scrooge is again sitting at home when he hears the same noise at the door as last year. He opens it, looks down and there is the snail, who looks up at him and says.....
..........What the f--- did you do that for??!!
- Posts
- 8,742
- Likes
- 69,419
Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Each year on January 1st, I make my annual resolutions.
On January 2nd, I begin paving the road to Hell.
On January 2nd, I begin paving the road to Hell.
- Posts
- 3,133
- Likes
- 5,559
Edward53
·I see my joke has been censored! Hardly the first use of the F-word on this forum and I thought it added to the impact. Ho hum.
Edited:
- Posts
- 3,133
- Likes
- 5,559
Edward53
·Let's try another one.
My poor old Dad passed away after we couldn't remember his blood type for the paramedics. As he lay dying he kept urging us to "be positive!", but it's tough not having him around.
My poor old Dad passed away after we couldn't remember his blood type for the paramedics. As he lay dying he kept urging us to "be positive!", but it's tough not having him around.
- Posts
- 9,595
- Likes
- 27,662
- Posts
- 1,174
- Likes
- 7,600
Buck2466
·Today I saw an ad that said, "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."
I thought, " I can't turn that down."
I thought, " I can't turn that down."
- Posts
- 400
- Likes
- 1,430
haqq777
·
- Posts
- 2,849
- Likes
- 12,921
Wryfox
·
- Posts
- 2,849
- Likes
- 12,921
Wryfox
·
- Posts
- 16,427
- Likes
- 34,622
JimInOz
··Melbourne AustraliaI tried to re marry my ex wife, but she realised I was only after my money.
- Posts
- 8,742
- Likes
- 69,419
Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Winter pro tip...
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
- Posts
- 1,502
- Likes
- 5,696
KingCrouchy
·Code 11:59 by AP.
- Posts
- 400
- Likes
- 1,430
