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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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Buck2466
·On a serious note...
I want everyone to say a prayer for me today and wish me luck.
I have to talk to the bank today and if all goes well, we are talking thousands of dollars here.
I cannot wait to be free of debt!
I'm so excited I can barely get my ski mask over my head.
I want everyone to say a prayer for me today and wish me luck.
I have to talk to the bank today and if all goes well, we are talking thousands of dollars here.
I cannot wait to be free of debt!
I'm so excited I can barely get my ski mask over my head.
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nonono
·Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
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M'Bob
·Dennis Weaver gets invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion. He gets drunk, says something inappropriate to one of the Bunnies, and Hefner starts beating the crap out of him. Just then, Mick Jagger walks in, and says, "Hey, Hugh, get off McCloud."
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madjestikmoose
·Why did the chicken cross the road?
- I don't know. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock-knock
- Who's there?
The chicken
- I don't know. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock-knock
- Who's there?
The chicken
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Canuck
·Donating Blood in Scotland
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now".
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now".
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wsfarrell
·Hope College mathematician Tim Pennings noticed that his Welsh corgi, Elvis, seemed to follow the optimal path when chasing a ball thrown into Lake Michigan — Elvis seemed to realize that he ran faster than he swam, and so could minimize his retrieval time by racing intelligently along the beach before jumping into the water. But how did he make these judgments?
“I confess that although he made good choices, Elvis does not know calculus,” Pennings wrote. “In fact, he has trouble differentiating even simple polynomials.”
“I confess that although he made good choices, Elvis does not know calculus,” Pennings wrote. “In fact, he has trouble differentiating even simple polynomials.”
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nonuffinkbloke
·A bloke with a pit bull is trying to get into a restaurant:
Restaurant manager: "Sorry sir! No Dogs allowed!"😡
Bloke with pit bull: (pretends to be blind and quickly puts on sun glasses) "but I'm blind!.... and he's my guide dog!"😟
Restaurant manager: "Sir! Guide dogs are usually Labradors!"😡
Bloke with pit bull and sun glasses: "Aye??? Labradors???...😕....SO WHAT HAVE THEY GIVEN ME?😟
Restaurant manager: "Sorry sir! No Dogs allowed!"😡
Bloke with pit bull: (pretends to be blind and quickly puts on sun glasses) "but I'm blind!.... and he's my guide dog!"😟
Restaurant manager: "Sir! Guide dogs are usually Labradors!"😡
Bloke with pit bull and sun glasses: "Aye??? Labradors???...😕....SO WHAT HAVE THEY GIVEN ME?😟
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nonono
·Here's one u can tell your friends to piss em off:
If sex between 3 people is called a threesome, and sex between 4 people is called a foursome, i now understand why people call you handsome!
If sex between 3 people is called a threesome, and sex between 4 people is called a foursome, i now understand why people call you handsome!
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Wryfox
·Moses and Jesus are playing golf.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot, 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees. Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours down, and a stream rises among the trees. The golf ball, floating on top, finds its way into the mouth of a fish. Then a bird flies down and takes the fish and the ball out over the green, and drops it in the cup for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to Moses with a satisfied grin, and Moses says, "Look, you wanna play golf...or are you just gonna screw around?'
Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot, 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees. Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours down, and a stream rises among the trees. The golf ball, floating on top, finds its way into the mouth of a fish. Then a bird flies down and takes the fish and the ball out over the green, and drops it in the cup for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to Moses with a satisfied grin, and Moses says, "Look, you wanna play golf...or are you just gonna screw around?'
Edited:
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haqq777
·
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hugo2703
·What’s the difference between an extrovert and an introvert coder?
He’s looking at YOUR shoes
He’s looking at YOUR shoes
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L Tigre
·What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye deer.
No-eye deer.
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Hitman
·So an EMT paramedic comes to the aid of a young yuppie who was thrown out of his car in a terrible crash. As the paramedic arrives at the victims side he hears him crying out "my BMW, my BMW. How is my BMW?"
Surprised by his crash victims concern, the paramedic responds "buddy you've go more important things to be concerned about. You've lost your left arm!".
To which, the yuppie changes his cry to "My Rolex, my Rolex, I've lost my Rolex."
Surprised by his crash victims concern, the paramedic responds "buddy you've go more important things to be concerned about. You've lost your left arm!".
To which, the yuppie changes his cry to "My Rolex, my Rolex, I've lost my Rolex."
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Archer
··Omega Qualified WatchmakerSo an EMT paramedic comes to the aid of a young yuppie who was thrown out of his car in a terrible crash. As the paramedic arrives at the victims side he hears him crying out "my BMW, my BMW. How is my BMW?"
Surprised by his crash victims concern, the paramedic responds "buddy you've go more important things to be concerned about. You've lost your left arm!".
To which, the yuppie changes his cry to "My Rolex, my Rolex, I've lost my Rolex."
I've seen this joke with pretty much any high end car make you can think of, but the watch is always a Rolex...
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Mouse_at_Large
·
What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs?
Still no-eye deer.
And a couple of my favourites
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk
What do you call fish without eyes?
Fsh
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Canuck
·What do you call a female Mexican midget? Consuelo.
What do you say when a tiny fortune teller goes missing? Small medium at large.
What do you say when a tiny fortune teller goes missing? Small medium at large.
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar.
Asked the bartender, “Why so tense?”
Asked the bartender, “Why so tense?”