I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
The story goes that, during the height of the Cold War, someone asked a drunk what he would do in the case of fallout. He replied that he’d climb back on and use shorter strokes.
A burglar entered a bedroom, tied up the husband and wife, kissed the wife's ear and then went to the bathroom. The husband says to the wife, "satisfy him, or he will kill us, be strong, I love you." Wife says, " He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay, he needs vaseline and I told him that it's in the bathroom." "So be strong, I love you too!"
A professor told his class: "Fame will come to you only after you succeed!" A blonde asked, "Who's 'Seed'?"
Panda walks into a bar. He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
"Have you heard of Murphy's Law?" "Yeah." "What is it?" "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong." "Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?" "No. What is it?" "Thinly sliced cabbage."
Reminds me of one I like to pull on people from time to time. Let's say we're talking about headaches: Friend: Yeah, I get this nasty headache every few days. Me: You might want to try some updoc for that. Friend: What's updoc?
A butcher put an advertisement to showcase the quality of his meats. It read: "when it comes to meat, mine can't be beat!"
I just tried that out on Mrs. E. It didn't really work as I don't think Bugs Bunny ever said "What the fuck is that?"
Woman: Does Viagra work? Pharmacist:Yes! Woman: Can you get it over the counter? Pharmacist: Yes, if I take two.