Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

A nun had always dreamed of owning a racehorse, but realized she could never afford one, so instead, she bought a donkey.

That weekend, she entered it into a local race, and it came in third.

The headlines read, ''Nun's Ass Shows!''

Determined to win, she entered a derby the following weekend and miraculously came in first.

The headlines were, ''Nun's Ass Wins Grand Prize!.''

Buoyed by her success, she entered a high-stakes race, but then changed her mind.

The headline- 'Nun's Ass Scratched.''

After losing her entry fee, and no longer able to afford feed, the nun sold the donkey.

The headline? ''Nun Sells Her Ass for $50.''




https://omegaforums.net/threads/un-official-omega-forums-2018-holiday-photo-contest.85052/

There was a long line of people queued at the Pearly Gates waiting to get into Heaven. St. Peter quizzed each one in turn about their cause of death.

The next man in line stepped up and started telling his story, "Well, Peter, I suspected that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work today to try and catch her lover. When I got home, my wife swore no one was there, but I didn't believe her. I searched the house and found nothing, then heard a noise on the balcony. I slid open the door, and sure enough, there he was dangling off the edge by his fingertips, trying to hide from me. So I ran and got a hammer then smashed his fingers with it until he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in some bushes. I was so angry I dragged the refrigerator onto the balcony and topped it over after him. I felt a sharp pain in my chest and BAM - all that stress and strain gave me a heart attack, so here I am." "Hmm, wait over there," said St. Peter, pointing to a bench over to the side.

The second man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I exercise each day out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. In the middle of my routine, I lost my footing doing jumping jacks and fell backwards over the rail. My only thought was ''Please God spare my life!'' and you know what He did. I was able to catch on to a balcony two floors below me. I was even happier when a man came out of his apartment and discovered me hanging there. He went back inside - to get help I thought - but all of a sudden he was back screaming at me and beating at my fingers with a hammer until I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in some bushes. Relieved to be alive, I closed my eyes and said a brief prayer, but as I opened them, I saw a refrigerator hurtling down on top of me and BAM, here I am."
St. Peter said, "Go right in".

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, I was sitting butt naked in a refrigerator, just minding my own business..."

this was on a reception desk at work yesterday.....

Snuggling up to his wife in bed he asked, "Shall we try some new positions tonight?."

Turning over her shoulder and giving him a sexy smile, she said, "Sure honey... how about..."

She leaned in closer and whispered in his ear," You go in the kitchen and stand by the stove, then..."

"...I'll sit on the couch drinking beer and farting."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she faithfully stayed by his bedside day & night.

One day, in a rare moment of lucidity he gazed up at her and said, "You have always been at my side when things were at their worst."

"When I got fired, you were there."

"When my business failed, and we lost the house, you were there."

"When I got shot, you were there."

“When my health started failing, you were there."

"And you know what?,” he asked.

"What honey?" she replied lovingly, leaning forward and slipping her hand into his and giving it a squeeze.

He responded, "I think you bring me bad luck!!!"

As a young boy walks into the barber shop, the barber leans over and whispers in the customers ear,
"This has to be the dumbest kid in the world, watch while I prove it to you!".

The barber puts a $2 coin in one hand and two 50 cent pieces in the other hand and then calls the boy over and offers two open hands to the boy.
"Which hand son, take your pick!".

The boy politely takes the two 50 cent pieces and leaves the barber shop.

"What did I tell you" chortles the barber "that dumb kid never learns!"

A short time later, as the customer leaves the barber shop he sees the boy coming out of a milk bar with an ice cream cone.

"Hey son, may I ask you a question? Why did you take the two 50 cent pieces and not the $2 coin?"

The boy licks his ice cream cone and replies................

"Because the day I take the $2 coin, the game is over" and off he walked, smiling to himself.

NOT FUNNY! (too soon! 😁)

We are cooking tomorrow, and out of 6 of us there is someone suffering from gout, and someone who pretty much gets acid reflux from even looking at pictures of food. My wife, son and I eat just about anything, and usually make a rib roast, but that is a no-go for my dad. We are putting more effort into cooking for two people who can't/ won't tell us what is okay/ not okay for them to eat then we are for the other 4 of us. 📖

Oh, and the 3rd guest is a pro chef, so every thing we do needs to be solid 🤔

I will revisit this cartoon on Friday and see how I feel about it. 🤬

I'll remain neutral and let you pick the version that suits you best, as if it mattered . 😜
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[Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump] died and went to heaven. As s/he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, s/he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. S/he asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh really?" said [Hillary/Donald], "So, whose clock is that?" pointing at one.

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"And that one? Whose clock is that?" , s/he asked, pointing at another.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary/Donald's clock?" s/he asked.

"[Hillary/Donald]'s clock is in Jesus' office," replied St. Peter,

"He's using it as a ceiling fan."

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I don't know about you, but I've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest...

Tom cat hijacks a plane, points a gun at the pilot and says "take me to the Canaries".

Man walks into the Doctors with cellophane wrapped around his groin, the Doctor says "I can clearly see you're nuts"