Why do cannibals avoid eating evangelists? Because they're always throwing up their hands...

 

How can you help a starving cannibal?

Give him a hand.

 

Have you ever tried blindfold pistol shooting at the range?

You don't know what you're missing.

 

Appropriate in todays ridiculous pc climate.

 

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves"

 

What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals blowing each other.

 

I

 

Freud would have a field day with that one!

 

3 guys find a fairy at the top of mountain they were all climbing all day. The fairy offers them a unique proposition. "Jump off the mountain, and you will land in a giant pot of whatever word you utter on the way down" the fairy says. Reluctantly, the first guy jumps off and yells "gold!" and before he knew it, he landed safely in giant pot of gold coins. The second guy jumps off and yells "silver!" and he lands safely in a giant pot of silver coins. The third guy jumps off but on the way down he cuts his arm on a branch and yells "shit!"........

 

Science has discovered that diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in our genes.

 

Have you met the bullet-proof Irishman?

Goes by the name of Rick O'Shae.

 

I heard that Irishmen were tough, but six of us almost beat one up, recently!

 

Speaking of the Irish, you gotta love this guy's pre drinking story

 

I have a good one....
The Rolex waiting list

 

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

"There's nothing to worry about, lad," said the elderly chap standing next to him...
"It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it."

"That's just what I'm worried about...," said the fan,"...my name's Johnny Walker."

 

2 deer, leaving a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "man.. I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there!"

 

A skunk, a giraffe, and a stag go to the bar. After an evening of carousing on the tab, it is time to settle the bill. The skunk says he doesn’t have a cent, and the stag says he has no dough. So the giraffe says, “well guys. Looks like the high balls are on me”.

 

I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

He said, “Repeat infractions?”

I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”

 

For music lovers everywhere.