When your wife says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, no need to remind her every half hour.

 

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral listening as friends and family eulogize him.

A man she doesn’t recognize sits down beside her, then leans in close to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands, walks up to the podium, clears his throat, and in a booming voice says, "Plethora.” He looks around the room for a moment, then returns to his seat.

"Oh, thank you so much!” the widow says, giving him a warm smile and a hug. "That means a lot to me."

 

A rich Victorian gentleman made it known that he wished to propose marriage to a young lady. After discussions with her father and agreement of a dowry, it only remained for her to accept his hand in marriage. After polite discussions over afternoon tea matters of the bedroom came up. The lady confirmed she was healthy and unblemished and asked most politely if there was anything she should know about his health and body. The gentleman advised that as a child he had suffered Tolio. Don’t you mean Polio she said? No he explained, it was a rare disease which only impacts the feet and I am left with curly toes. We also had an outbreak of Kneesles. Don’t you mean Measles she said?
No he advised. Another rare illness which only impacts the legs and has left me with knobbly knees. Aside from these issues I am also unblemished and healthy he assured her. She therefore accepted his hand and they were duly wed. On their wedding night as they disrobed for bed to consummate their union the young lady stared at her new husband with some disappointment and said ..sir I see your country manor also suffered an outbreak of smallcox....

 

Uh oh . . .

 

My pet snail was rubbish at racing and was so slow he kept losing. I removed his shell to reduce weight and make him a bit faster.... but the damn thing just got even more sluggish......
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...

 

At a coworkers desk…..

 

The spirit of Christmas present....
A rich businessman was being driven along in his limo when he saw a woman peasant scratching in the snow next to the road. Intrigued he instructed the chauffeur to stop the car. He asked what she was doing and she explained that her family was so poor, all they could eat was grass and in the cold weather it was now so hard to find and pick any to support herself and her children. The man thought for a moment and said we can’t have this. He told her to gather her children and said you can spend Christmas at my house, in the barn which is nice and warm with all the animals. The lady was so happy, gathered up her children and they all got into the large Limo. She clasped the rich mans hand and thanked him again and again for his charity in helping them. It is nothing he said…the winter grass in my back yard is still way too long so it is a win-win :0)

 

Rolex owner?

 

Absolutely get it and if you want to really check if people get it take a look at this recent Fielmann (spectacles shop assistant) advert from Germany, “Lisa” obviously has never used a Compact Cassette in her life.

 

At least the frogs do not borrow any books....... they are always just like read-it... read-it ....read-it.
The London Squirrels just mug you in the street anyway :0)
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