While watching an Australian baking show, I was surprised to see the audience applaud some meringue that was made by one contestant. I always thought Australians boo meringue...
told this one by a young visitor this morning: Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots? He was just picking his nose.
A young couple due to be married tragically died in a car crash. Being so much in love at the pearly gates before entry into heaven they asked St Peter if it was still possible for them to get married. After three months waiting in the clouds St Peter returned to them. He advised yes, if you enter heaven you can still get married. The couple then told him that while waiting so long and seeing each other’s souls laid bare they sometimes now had doubts in their relationship. Would it therefore be possible to divorce in heaven as eternity is a long time. Exasperated St Peter said....look it has taken me three months to find you a priest up here, so It would take me years to find a damn lawyer......
I was in a pub a few years ago and overheard three hefty women talking. Their accents appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?” One of them angrily replied “It’s Wales, you f***king idiot, Wales!” So I apologized and replied, “are you three whales from Scotland?”
A young draft dodger ran up to a Nun and in despair said I am too young to go to the war please let me hide under your habit. She nodded agreement and he disappeared just as two military policemen came into view. She pointed them in the wrong direction and he emerged once the coast was clear. Bless you sister he said and added blushing, If you do not mind me saying you have a great pair of legs. That is ok, bless you son, I see that you are an honest god fearing boy she said. If you had looked any higher you would have seen that I also have a great pair of balls - You see I don’t want to go to the war either..
An elderly well dressed lady in a nice car gets pulled over for speeding and asks Is there a problem Officer? The young traffic policemen fresh from the academy says Ma’am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please? The old lady replied I’d give it to you but I don’t have one, I Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. The officer was shocked and asked To see her vehicle registration papers to which the old lady retorted, I can’t do that because I stole this car and to make it worse I killed and hacked up the owner. The policeman was very shocked and in disbelief. The old lady added that the owners body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backed away to his car, drew his gun and and called for back up. Shortly a senior officer arrived on scene and slowly approached the car, clasping his half drawn gun. He told the lady Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! and she complied asking the new cop Is there a problem sir? He then that explained the young officer has told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner and asked her to open the trunk of your car please. The woman opened the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. The senior officer then asked Is this your car, ma’am? To which she produced her registration papers. The senior officer was quite stunned and surprised. Holstering his gun he explained, My officer over their also claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman then dug into her handbag and pulled out her license handing it to the officer who looked increasingly puzzled. The senior office said thank you and sorry ma’am, but my officer over there told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. What! the old lady said, that crazy young guy has really lost it. I bet that little liar told you I was speeding too........