The sergeant was training three cadets to become police officers. To test their memory skills in identifying suspects, he flashes one of them a mug shot for five seconds and then hides it away. "That was the suspect from a recent robbery. You're on patrol and a "be on the lookout" alert has been issued. Now... how would you identify him?" The first cadet answers, "That's easy Sarge - I'd catch him fast - he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed you was his side profile." Rolling his eyes at the ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "That was your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, smirks and says, "No problem.. he's practically in cuffs already - easy to spot as he has only got one ear!" The sergeant angrily responds, "What the hell is the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! If that's the best answer you can come up you're going to wash out of the academy for sure. Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer like these two." The third cadet looks up at him, thinks a moment, then says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The sergeant is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with an incredulous look on his face. "I can't believe it, but you are right! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy Sarge," she replied. "He can't wear regular glasses ..... ... because he only has one eye and one ear."
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. The nurses were frustrated by him because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him either. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading I can’t use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, she said to him, “I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!” She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?” After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a tulip up his butt!”
Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook a meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend? Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.
My wife asked me to go get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store. But I realized when I got home that I had picked seven up.