Tony was hiking in the mountains one weekend. Leaving the trail for a better look at the scenic view of the valley below, he ventured too close to the edge of a steep slope, dropping off to a gorge hundreds of feet deep. He suddenly lost his footing on the loose scree near the edge and tumbled over. Sliding down the incline towards an even steeper drop, Tony scrabbled desperately and managed to grab hold of small scrubby bush, momentarily halting his decent. “Help! he screamed, “Is anybody up there... help me!” There was no answer, and Tony tightened his grip on the bush, convinced it was the only thing between him and certain death, Increasingly frightened he called out again hoping against hope that another hiker on the trail above would hear his plea, “Help! Help me please! I’m about to fall!” This time, a majestic voice boomed from above “Fear not my son! I will save you, but first you must place your trust in me!” “I trust you! Yes, yes I trust you!” Tony howled. “Then I will save you!” the majestic voice replied. “Now let go of the bush. Trust me and let it go!” Closing his eyes, Tony summoned his courage. Then grimacing, he opened them again and glanced down at the vertiginous drop below him. Drawing a deep breath he paused and then... He shouted up towards the trail, “Is there anybody else up there?! Someone with a rope!?”
Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist monk to the tofu hot dog vendor. After getting his tofu dog, the monk hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer. The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Hey, where is my change?" The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe have been mates all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we have both loved motorcycles all our lives, we have rode and raced motorcycles together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's motorcycles there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best mate for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..." "Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike. It's me, Joe..." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "'Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says, "is that there's motorcycles in heaven. Better yet, all of our old mates who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can ride motorcycles all we want, and we never get tired or crash." "'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? " "You're racing on Sunday."
A consultant dies in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”. “Congratulations for what?” asks the consultant. “Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.” “But that’s not true,” says the consultant. “I only lived to be forty.” “That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we added up your time sheets!”
The ER doctor was paged to examine an incoming patient. Entering the triage room he found the patient sitting upright on the exam table. Looking him over, the doctor found the man had a french fry in each nostril, a banana in his left ear, and what appeared to be part of a hamburger dangling from his right ear. “I think I see the problem,” the doctor said. “You’re not eating properly.”
And speaking of doctors... An elderly man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office, having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “I think I see the problem, you have a suppository in your ear!” “Thanks doc,” said the man. “Now I know where to find my hearing aid!”
As he gasps his last breath, a man looks up to find the Grim Reaper standing over him, beside him a carriage hitched to a skeletal horse, ready to transport him to the afterlife. Growing anxious over his ultimate destination, he asks the Reaper about what happens next. Death replies, “Well, you were a good man on earth, faithful to your wife, a loving father. And for the most part, trod the straight and narrow, but were repentent when you did not. Your reward will be Heaven, where you will enjoy eternal youth and may do or have anything your heart desires. “Wow,” the man says he gets in to the carriage for the journey, "that's wonderful news!” Upon arriving in the afterlife, Death announces that he has to go and speak to St Peter and do a bit of processing paperwork, so the man is left alone for a while in the Grim Reaper’s office. Settling down on Death’s cushioned sofa (which was quite luxurious and comfortable by the way) the man thinks about what he wants to do when he gets to Heaven. He could eat all of the delicious foods he never got to try on earth, drive the fastest sports cars, live in the finest house - heck he could even be a care-free child again. He lingers on that final thought for a moment - it's so appealing - to be able to run around all day with no responsibilities, to play, to be silly, with nobody judging him. With growing enthusiasm, the man stands up and begins bouncing up and down on the sofa excitedly, saying “goodie! goodie! goodie!” over and over again. Death walks back into the office, and seeing the man bouncing on his sofa screams, “Just what do you think you’re doing!” "I'm having the time of my life, or should I say time of my death?!!" the man says, grinning and bouncing higher still. “Whee!!! this is so fun!” Just then the sofa, stressed to the limit, tears open - fabric ripping, stuffing bursting out and into the air as the man caroms off to the floor, coming to rest in a heap with the tatters drifting over him like a gentle snow. Death is furious and roars at the man, “ Do. You. Have. ANY idea how rare and expensive that sofa was!!! I will have to spend eons searching to find another of its equal!!” “Oh no!” says the man, quite embarassed, “It’s just that I was getting such a kick out of acting like a kid again.” Scowling angrily, the Grim Reaper silently motions to the man to follow. They leave Death’s office, climb back in the carriage, and resume their journey. Arriving at an elaborately decorated gate, Death motions to it and says “Go inside, they will tell you what to do from here.” As the man enters through the gate, he is horrified to find Satan waiting for him with an evil grin, whisps of brimstone encircling his horrific form, a flaming trident in one hand and a whip fashioned from writhing venomous snakes in the other. “Welcome to Hell!” cried Satan, throwing back his head and cackling madly. "Hell!?" the man splutters and moans, “Wait, no! No! Noooooo! I was told I was going to Heaven, there must have been some kind of mistake!” "Unfortunately for you that is not the case. You see, in life, you were a good man,” Satan gloated. “However, the time you spent waiting in Death’s office was a final test.” “And there,” Satan continued, “You behaved recklessly, with absolutely no thought or consideration for the Reaper cushions!"
Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to divorce court. Judge: So Mickey, it seems you want to divorce Minnie because she’s extremely silly, is that correct? Mickey: No, your Honor, what I said is she’s fu**ing Goofy!