My friend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. Unfortunately, it just made her even more upset. She just cried and screamed at me, “What the am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
During the Russo-Finnish War, a Russian general was marching his army through Finland. As they passed a ridge, he heard a voice call out from the other side: “One Finn is worth 10 Russians!” So he takes his 10 best soldiers and sends them over the ridge. After a minute of shooting, the same voice calls out: “One Finn is worth 100 Russians!” He takes his best 100 soldiers, and sends them over the ridge. After several minutes of shooting, the same voice calls out a third time: “One Finn is worth 1,000 Russians!” He sends his best 1,000 soldiers over the ridge. After almost an hour of shooting, one badly wounded Russian comes crawling over, and with his dying breath, tells the general: “It’s a trap—there are TWO Finns!”
During a recent physical examination, Jim’s doctor asked him about his physical activity level. He described a typical day. “Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about 10 kilometres through some pretty rough terrain. “I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. “I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I narrowly avoided standing on a snake. “I climbed several rocky hills. I had to stop several times to relieve myself behind some big trees. “The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end, I drank eight beers.” Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one heck of an outdoors man!” “No,” Jim replied. “I’m just a really bad golfer.”
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars ... and I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.
What is the best thing about Switzerland... The watches I hear you say? Yes but also the flag is a big plus.
Does the little girl in the family portrait suffer from a malformed left hand? Perhaps the cause behind the pose?
Possibly five depending on your point of view of Patrick Stewart. Same five if the quote was from Jean-Luc Picard and the photo was Ian Mckellen. Further back, I had the same thought about the girl in the family photo.
Frank’s old dog Spot had a bit of a trouble sometimes winding his way through the furniture without bumping into something now and again. Growing concerned, Frank took him to the veternarian for an examination. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the vet. “Well,” said Frank, “I am concerned about Spot’s eyesight. He seems to bump into things quite a bit lately.” “Ok,” said the vet, picking up Spot, “let’s take a look.” Holding Spot out ar arm’s length, the vet carefully examined one eye, and then the other. “Hmmm,” he said, still holding Spot out away from him but turning him around facing away. “Let me take a look at the rest of him.” The vet contunued to flip and turn Spot this way and that, all the while carefully poring over every inch of the dog’s anatomy. Finally, he looked up at Frank and said, “I’m going to have to put Spot down.” “Oh no!” Frank moaned, “Why Doc, why?” “Because he’s heavy and my arms are getting tired,” responded the vet.
An American couple were driving through the German coutryside on a European tour. Coming to the city of Castrop-Rauxel they started arguing about how to pronounce the name. They went back and forth for a while, never agreeing, and the dispute became quite heated. Tiring of the debate, the couple decided to stop for a quick lunch. Aproaching the restaurant counter, they both agreed to ask the attendant to resolve the pronunciation matter once and for all. Said the the husband, “Before we order, would you please help settle an argument for us? Could you please pronounce the name of where we are - very slowly so we can hear every nuance? The attendant leaned over the counter and said with a smile, "Natürlich, der Herr. Sie befinden sich in Bur....... ger......... King." https://www.google.com/maps/place/Am Landwehrbach 2, 44575 Castrop-Rauxel, Germany/@51.5853024,6.8005346,9.67z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x47b91dc238606c39:0x3350435eaa819a8c!8m2!3d51.5560825!4d7.2911011?hl=en-us
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with her former parish priest Father Flaherty, who had since been reassigned to another diocese. Said Father Flaherty, “Top o' the mornin' to ye! Say, aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan, and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years or so ago?” She nodded, “Aye, that ye did, Father! Two years ago nearly to the day it was indeed.” The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones running about yet then?” She replied with a sigh, “Alas no - none yet, Father.” The Father said, ‘Well now don’t worry lass. I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle at the Vatican for you and yer hoosband. “ Mrs. Donovan replied with a grateful smile , “Oh, thank ye, Father, it’s kind you are indeed!” They then parted ways. Many years later by coincidence they met again. Asked the Father, “Well now, Mrs. Donovan, it has been a while indeed. And how are ye these days?” She replied, “Oh, very well, Father, if a bit tired!” The Father asked, “And tell me, ye and yer hoosband have any wee ones yet?” She replied, “Oh yes, Father! Now we’ve two sets of twins, triplets and six singles, thirteen in all!” The Father said, “That's so wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing, is he well?” She replied, “As a matter of fact ‘e’s away right now Father. Gone to Rome he has... ... to blow out yer fookin'candle!!”
A little girl comes running home from school with a dollar in her hand and excitedly tells her mother “Mommy, Johnny paid me a dollar to do a headstand!” Her mother rolls her eyes and says “Don’t do that again. He just wanted to see your panties.” The next day, the girl comes running home with two dollars in her hand. She excitedly tells her mother “Mommy, Johnny paid me TWO dollars to do TWO headstands!” Her mother says “I warned you about this yesterday. He just wanted to see your panties.” The girl answers “No mommy, I tricked him. I didn’t wear any!”