Was going to a dance in a real club. The year -- 1976, 6th grade. Pubes sprouting and electrical yet vastly not understood feelings blossoming... Debbie Silvas had asked me to slow dance with her the week prior during an in-school dance -- Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street". The week between that dance and the official big time dance had seen me nearly fill up an entire Mead notebook with her first name and my last name.
Jesus christ she smelled amazing during those too few minutes of that song - I was hooked.
The day approached and with my mom's suggestions I showered and put on a corduroy 3-piece suit with a black & silver polyester/rayon shirt with a butterfly collar that would have left John Travolta envious... once downstairs and with mom grabbing her purse, car keys and a Kent cigarette to smoke during the long 12 minute drive downtown to the YMCA she suddenly announced, "Hey, did you put on cologne?" Holy shit, no I had not.
She then said, "Run upstairs while I warm up the car and splash on some of your dad's Jovan Musk!"
She went her way, me mine.
I shook some out into the palm of my hand and dabbled it onto my chubby, whiskerless, face and then added a few dibbles behind my ears -- Debbie might like that after all.
And then in a moment of brilliance and foresight I quickly unbuckled my pleather belt, threw down my grey corduroy pants along with my white Fruit O' The Looms and absolutely marinated my Schwanson and Manions in Musk. The searing agony only took as long to arrive as it took me to hoist everything back up and buckle the belt. Sweet mother of fυck was I on fire. I sucked it up and ran downstairs and straight to mom's idling Monte Carlo. Off we went.
Debbie never showed up. Bitch.
I watched everyone dance but me. It was a drag. I would have actually been sad and maybe even gone off to the restroom and cried but thanks to dad's Jovan I couldn't really concentrate on my romantic plight because my genitals were melting.
After Mom picked me up and I bullshitted her the whole way home about what a great night it had been I hauled ass up to the bathroom and doused the musky fire out with tap water... had a rash on my entire groin for a week.
fυck Jovan and Debbie too.