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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. vitriol Dec 26, 2019

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    Not really, actually it was a good hint to stop the offtopics.
     
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  2. Edward53 Dec 26, 2019

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    Pardon me for acting as part of the "comedy police" but the thread title is, after all, "tell me a joke". A joke is meant, is it not, to evoke a sensation of amusement in the tellee? This might range from a full-throated guffaw to the merest hint of a smile, but some such response is, nevertheless, an essential element of any joke. A joke may tickle some folks and leave others cold; its intent is the same and it is still a joke, successful or not.

    I have, however, yet to hear of anyone actually laughing at a riddle. A wry appreciation of its cleverness, perhaps. Maybe even a gasp of admiration at the cleverness of the wordplay. But - is it a joke? Is it fuck. Is it on topic in a joke thread? I refer you to my last sentence but one.
     
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  3. M'Bob Dec 26, 2019

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    I thought these were exceedingly benign, especially, as I said before, that they were intended to fill a gap that is increasingly populated with either the same joke repeated or a variation thereof, and not so far out of bounds to be called out about, but nonetheless, I will cease.

    "Fuck 'em if they can't take a riddle." Bette Midler
     
  4. Archer Omega Qualified Watchmaker Dec 26, 2019

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    Oh they were benign riddles...okay then keep going...:p
     
  5. Canuck Dec 26, 2019

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    See new thread, REBUS PUZZLES.
     
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  6. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Dec 28, 2019

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    Back on jokes are we?

    OK.

    A bloke comes home from work one night and tells his wife that he'd been given a huge promotion at work which means he'd get his own office and get to employ his own private secretary.

    "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said,
    "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with!"

    "That's fair enough," he replied,


    "When can you start?"
     
    jsducote, kkt, bubba48 and 2 others like this.
  7. Wryfox Dec 30, 2019

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    CdnWatchDoc, Yak1, Mad Cow and 6 others like this.
  8. Archer Omega Qualified Watchmaker Dec 30, 2019

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    People always tell me, “Everything happens for a reason.” But they can never name the reason, so basically they’re just telling me, “Everything happens.”
     
    Mad Cow, DaveK, kkt and 1 other person like this.
  9. Buck2466 Jan 1, 2020

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    A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breastfeed her baby on a bus. The baby refuses to suck the breast and the mother warns, " If you don't suck, I will give it to the man next to me." The baby still refuses. After 20 minutes the mother repeats the "threat". The man clears his throat and says, " Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago."
     
    Edited Jan 1, 2020
    West Slope, JimInOz, Mad Cow and 4 others like this.
  10. Wryfox Jan 2, 2020

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    A couple decides that they will turn to prostitution to make money.

    The first time the woman goes out, she comes back after a long night with $50.25.

    The man asks "who paid you with a quarter?"

    She replied, "everyone".
     
    Edited Jan 2, 2020
    Mad Cow likes this.
  11. Wryfox Jan 2, 2020

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    I went to my girlfriend's house expecting to see her. Instead it was my girlfriend's beautiful sister that opened the door to greet me. She said no one is coming home for 5 hrs, and then she put her hands on my shoulders and moved in close.

    I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door. I looked and saw it was my girlfriend and her dad, mom and sister.

    I got out of the car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and I had passed!

    Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car.....
     
    Edited Jan 2, 2020
    kkt, jsducote, ConElPueblo and 6 others like this.
  12. Wryfox Jan 2, 2020

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    Life isn't fair.....

    You cook three meals, you're not a cook.

    You paint five canvases, you're not an artist.

    But if you kill just one person...you're a murderer.
     
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  13. vicakers Jan 2, 2020

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    Rolex waiting lists
     
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  14. jsducote Jan 3, 2020

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    I swallowed an ice cube two days ago and I still haven't pooped it out yet.
     
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  15. DaveK Yoda of Yodelers Jan 3, 2020

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    The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
    ~ Jack Handy
     
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  16. jsducote Jan 6, 2020

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  17. West Slope Jan 9, 2020

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    GeorgeBailey2 likes this.
  18. vitriol Jan 9, 2020

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    This can't be for real :D

    uranium lume.JPG
     
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  19. rob#1 Jan 9, 2020

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  20. Vercingetorix Spam Risk Jan 9, 2020

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    And when he is done inhaling uranium powder, he can chew on a Tide pod.