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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. dougiedude Carpe horologium! Jul 26, 2015

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    An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
    'Fred,' he replies.
    'Fred what?' the officer asks.
    'Just Fred,' the man responds.
    The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
    The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
     
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  2. redpcar Jul 26, 2015

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    Q: What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start

    Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A: There are skid marks before the snake.

    Q: What's the difference between a woman lawyer and a pit bull?
    A: Lipstick

    Q: What's brown and black and looks really good on a lawyer?
    A: A Rottweiler

    Q: What do you call 25 lawyers up to their necks in cement?
    A: Not enough cement.

    Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.
     
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  3. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Jul 27, 2015

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    A little old lady went into the bank one day with a large a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the manager of the bank personally to open a savings account.

    As it appears such a large sum, she is ushered into the managers office. He asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $250,000. The manager was curious, and asked how she came by all this cash. The little old lady told him, "I make bets".

    The manager replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?". "All kinds really," she says, "for example, I'll bet you $20,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the manager, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet".

    The old lady says,"So, you'd take that bet then?" "Absolutely," says the manager, "I'll bet $20,000 that my balls are definitely not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money riding on this, I'll need to bring my attorney with me tomorrow morning when the bank opens, to serve as a witness. "OK with me," agreed the manager.

    That night, thinking about the bet, the bank manager got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls and wracking his brains on how he could possibly lose the bet. Coming up with nothing, he finally went to bed.

    The next morning at 9:00am the little old lady appeared with her attorney at manager's office. She confirms the bet with the bank manager, and then asks asks him to drop his pants so they can check. The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK", the manager reluctantly agrees, "$20,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you can, just to be sure".

    Then he notices that the attorney is glaring at the old lady and clenching his fists. Becoming concerned, he asks the attorney, "Is something wrong?

    The attorney groaned and answered, "Nothing, except she bet me $50,000 that by 9:00am today she'd have the bank manager's balls in her hands!"
    ::rimshot::
     
  4. chunkythebulldog Jul 28, 2015

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  5. dougiedude Carpe horologium! Jul 28, 2015

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    That ain't no joke, that's beautiful!
     
  6. base615 Jul 28, 2015

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    Sure, if you're a fan of Milky Bars.
     
  7. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Jul 28, 2015

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    My wife would love this one, and that's no joke!
     
  8. watchme First Owner - Omega Darkside Jul 28, 2015

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    Upps, you are in big danger. Watch out for your watch money!
     
  9. Paedipod Jul 28, 2015

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    my wife does love this one.......but is waiting until they make it in the lady speedmaster size:(
     
  10. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Jul 28, 2015

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    Just to be clear, my like was for the joke, not the watch.
     
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  11. gatorcpa ΩF InvestiGator Staff Member Jul 28, 2015

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    You forgot the best one...

    Why won't a shark attack a lawyer swimming in the ocean?
    Professional courtesy. ::rimshot::
    gatorcpa
     
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  12. Canuck Jul 28, 2015

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    Hear of the law firm Dewey, Cheatam & Howe Inc?
     
    dougiedude likes this.
  13. gatorcpa ΩF InvestiGator Staff Member Jul 28, 2015

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    Yes, I have.

    [​IMG]
    gatorcpa
     
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  14. dougiedude Carpe horologium! Jul 28, 2015

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    One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

    He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

    The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

    The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

    The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

    'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
    [​IMG]
     
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  15. Taddyangle Convicted Invicta Wearer Aug 3, 2015

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    A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

    The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

    Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

    The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

    Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

    The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

    Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican
    and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.

    Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

    With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,
    'That would make me an Obama fan.'
     
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  16. dougiedude Carpe horologium! Aug 3, 2015

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    Chinese Sick Leave

    ChineseSickLeave.jpg

    Ho Choi called into work and say, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

    The boss says, "You know something Ho Choi, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better, and I go to work. You try that."

    Two hours later Ho Choi calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.... you got nice house."
     
    Edited Aug 3, 2015
  17. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Aug 4, 2015

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    Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A: A fsh!

    Deja Moo....
    The feeling you've heard this BS before.

    My back is really sore. I was unloading some product at the fish market yesterday...
    and I pulled a mussel.

    Did you hear about the peanut who walked into a biker bar and insulted the crowd?
    He was a salted.
    ::rimshot::
     
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  18. nxw1969 Aug 4, 2015

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    Why do farts smell?
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    So deaf people can enjoy them
     
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  19. nxw1969 Aug 4, 2015

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    Why do chimpanzees paint their balls red
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    so they can hide in cherry trees
     
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  20. nxw1969 Aug 4, 2015

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    What's the loudest noise in the jungle
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    A giraffe eating cherries
     
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