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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. Pvt-Public Aug 5, 2015

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    A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
    The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
    A reporter has watched the whole event. Addressing the Harley rider, he says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
    The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as
    I felt right."
    The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed . I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
    The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
    The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
    " U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!"
    ...and that
    pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these
    days.
     
  2. Pvt-Public Aug 5, 2015

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    A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas.

    The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed? "

    One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

    The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks,“ Just the four of you?”

    The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No senor, we are the last four. The other 21 million are already there."
     
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  3. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Aug 5, 2015

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    Q:: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a shot of Novocain during
    root canal work?

    A:: He wanted to transcend dental medication.
     
    RegF, flw, dougiedude and 3 others like this.
  4. nxw1969 Aug 12, 2015

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    What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?

    Muchas Grassyass
     
    Mad Dog likes this.
  5. dougiedude Carpe horologium! Aug 15, 2015

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    The Blind Cowboy

    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    One, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    Two, the bouncer is a blonde girl..

    Three, I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    Four, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

    Five, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

    "No...
    .....not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..." ::rimshot::
     
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  6. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Aug 15, 2015

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    I called the police to report a mad dog wandering up and down my street...

    They sent a rabid response unit.




    p.s. (It arrived faster than Speedy Gonzalez on a Dunkin' Donuts caffeine high.)
     
    Edited Aug 16, 2015
    blubarb, CdnWatchDoc and dougiedude like this.
  7. Tony C. Ωf Jury member Aug 16, 2015

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    Q: Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?

    A: They don't like random strangers knocking on their door.
     
  8. blubarb Aug 16, 2015

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    A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
    The judge asks "first offender"
    And she replies, "No first a Gibson then the rest"

    Boom boom. ::rimshot::
     
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  9. blubarb Aug 16, 2015

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    A man and his wife are on holiday in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it is, and looking down at his wrist the man realizes he has left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally find an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

    "Excuse me," the husband says, "Could you tell us the time?" "Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and reaches down and grabs the donkey's balls. "It is 3:00," says the peasant. "Thank you," replies the wife in a surprised voice.

    After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat, the couple return to the old man for the time. Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says: "It is now 4:45." "That's amazing," says the husband. "How can you can tell the time like that?" "Sit here where I am," says the peasant. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?" "Of course," the man replies. "Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly, the husband does as he is instructed."Now, slowly lift them," he continues. Again the husband does as instructed. "Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does as he's told. "Now," the old man says, "Can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"
     
  10. Buckeyes#1 Things come with instructions? Aug 20, 2015

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    Missing wife!!!!

    A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife:

    Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

    Sergeant : What is her height ?

    Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .

    Sergeant : Build?

    Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

    Sergeant : Color of eyes?

    Husband : Never noticed.

    Sergeant : Color of hair?

    Husband : Changes according to season.

    Sergeant : What was she wearing?

    Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.

    Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

    Husband : yes.

    Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

    Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying...
     
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  11. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Aug 20, 2015

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    What's the height of optimism?


    An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
     
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  12. redpcar Aug 20, 2015

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    Had to google that one...........
     
  13. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Aug 20, 2015

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    Sorry, I should have called it "Cricket Joke". Couple more for you.


    What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?

    A fisherman.



    What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

    They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
     
  14. dennisthemenace Hey, he asked for it! Aug 21, 2015

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    I heard that they had sent the croquet team by mistake.
     
  15. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Aug 21, 2015

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    Q. What does a watch do when it is still hungry?

    A. It goes back four seconds. ::rimshot::
    ------------------

    Q. What animal keeps the best time?

    A. A watch dog! ::rimshot::


    (you thought it was @Alpha 's beagle, didn't you? :p)
     
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  16. STANDY schizophrenic pizza orderer and watch collector Aug 21, 2015

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    Darlinboy likes this.
  17. CanberraOmega Rabbitohs and Whisky Supporter Aug 21, 2015

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    As a former croquet player, I take offence to that!
     
    JimInOz likes this.
  18. Archer Omega Qualified Watchmaker Aug 21, 2015

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    Showed this one to my wife - she laughed a lot, and then said "It's so true!"

    And I have no idea what clothes she was wearing when she left for work this morning...but she was driving a 2009 BMW 128i with 6 speed manual....
     
  19. Pvt-Public Aug 21, 2015

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    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
     
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  20. dennisthemenace Hey, he asked for it! Aug 21, 2015

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    Michael Jackson goes to heaven and spots Elvis Presley. He walks over an introduces himself.
    "Hi Mr Presley, I'm the guy that married your daughter."
    Elvis replies "thank god for that, someone told me she had married a black pop singer.
     
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