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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. Canuck Jul 22, 2015

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    Essex girls arise! Are you going to stand for this?::rant:
     
  2. gatorcpa ΩF InvestiGator Staff Member Jul 22, 2015

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    I think there is a county by that name in New Jersey:

    http://essexcountynj.org/

    Does this carry over the pond? Not that I'm running to NJ or anything...;)
    gatorcpa
     
  3. Traveler Jul 22, 2015

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    You are definitely teeing up another joke with your choice of words... ;)
     
  4. base615 Jul 22, 2015

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    One that probably only the Brits over 35 will understand:

    Did you hear about the man who entered a Marathon?

    He's still got peanuts stuck under his foreskin.
     
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  5. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Jul 23, 2015

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    Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .

    A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and were led to a quiet room and left to do the test.

    When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

    The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

    Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

    Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

    Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

    Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down "I don't know."

    You put down, "Neither do I."
     
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  6. M.D. Jul 23, 2015

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    I lived in that county for 5 years.
     
  7. kimchismell Jul 23, 2015

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  8. kimchismell Jul 23, 2015

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    Johnny Manziel
     
  9. Canuck Jul 23, 2015

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    An elderly Catholic priest and his assistant were chatting about recent improvements in the church since the assistant had arrived. The priest told the assistant how his new approach in upholstering the pews in the front half of the church had improved attendance, kept the parishioners awake, encouraged them to arrive early and to sit at the front of the church instead of the back. He said he also liked the assistant's ideas of adding upbeat young musicians and vocalists to the rituals. The assistant was pleased. But the priest suggested the assistant's idea of the drive thru confessional would have to go. The assistant wondered why. The priest told him it wasn't the drive thru that upset him most, it was the flashing red neon sign atop the church that said, TOOT AND TELL OR GO TO HELL, and that it had no place.
     
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  10. base615 Jul 24, 2015

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    Edited for accuracy
     
  11. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Jul 24, 2015

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    Little Johnnie's Auntie had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

    When mother and new arrival came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

    Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's mother had a talk with him and explained that the baby had been born with no ears. His dad warned that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

    Little Johnnie told his parents he understood completely.

    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

    His Aunt said, "Oh, thank you, Johnnie.

    Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

    'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

    'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'because he'd be in trouble if he needed glasses.'
     
  12. Buckeyes#1 Things come with instructions? Jul 24, 2015

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    Hard to argue with that, and I'm a Browns fan.
     
  13. base615 Jul 24, 2015

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    The guy has had 2 games. I'm not saying he'll succeed but they have to start giving QBs some time before moving on.

    And a post saving joke:

    Did you hear about the illegally parked amphibian?

    It was toad
     
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  14. Dombo63 Jul 24, 2015

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    A classics professor goes to a tailor with a hole in his trousers. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

    Paddy goes for a job as a labourer on a building site.
    The foreman decides to have some fun with him.
    “OK, Paddy”, he says, “Now labourin’s a tricky job at the best of times, me old son. So to see if yer up to the job there’s a little test for yer.”
    “Fine enough,” replies Paddy, “and what would that be?”
    “Well now,” says the foreman, “Can you tell me the difference between a girder and a joist?”
    Paddy thought for a moment, “Was it Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses?”
     
    Edited Jul 24, 2015
  15. MMMD unaffiliated curmudgeonly absurdist & polyologist Jul 24, 2015

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    Q: What did Freud say comes between fear and sex?

    A: Fünf.
     
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  16. Nobel Prize Spell Master! Jul 24, 2015

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    A woman takes her daughter to church and the daughter asks:

    - Mommy what's that?
    - A Saint.
    - Why?
    - Because he was good, and charitable, and helped people and performed miracles. Because he represented the highest ideals of our faith and sacrificed his life for the good of all people and the glory of Jesus Christ savior of men and son of God
    - Oh....and what's that?
    - A Virgin
    - Why?
    - Because she's made out of stone daughter, because she's made out of stone...
     
  17. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Jul 24, 2015

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    Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch and were discussing the new arrival.

    The alpha bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' giving' him any of mine."

    The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight this newcomer until he's dead, but I'm not giving up any of my cows.

    The third and youngest bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have half a dozen cows. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

    They were all feeling quite big and bad when an eighteen-wheeler pulled up in the middle of the pasture. The door swung open and the ramp cam down. And out came the biggest, baddest, rip-snortingist sharp-horned well-endowed bull they had ever seen! At 4975 pounds and all of it muscle, each step he took toward the ground bounced the big rig up and down and nearly took the ramp to its breaking point.

    The first bull took one more glance then said, "Um, errrr..You know fellas, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

    The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an fight."

    They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm, looking ready and spoiling for a fight.

    The first bull says, "Son, are you crazy!!?? Don't you see the size of that monster? Just let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it!"


    The third bull says, "Hell... that SOB can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a damn BULL!!"
     
  18. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Jul 25, 2015

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    ¿Dónde está el polo? Er , quiero decir encuesta?


    ¿Has oído el caso de ese fugitivo que secuestró un autobús de turistas japoneses?

    La policía tiene 5.000 fotos suyas.
    ::rimshot::

    Hay tres clases de personas:

    las que saben contar y las que no.
    ::rimshot::

    El doctor llama por teléfono a su paciente:
    Vera, tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.

    Bueno... dígame primero la buena.

    Los resultados del análisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.

    Pero, bueno, ¿eso es la buena noticia?

    ¿Entonces cuál es la mala?


    - Que llevo intentando localizarle desde ayer.::rimshot::
     
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  19. Traveler Jul 25, 2015

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    Yeah I was just teasing, and I'd been waiting for a year to post that pic of SP - opportunities like that don't come up much in watch forums!
     
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  20. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Jul 26, 2015

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    Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a nice new watch and asks him where he got it.

    "I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.

    Little Johnny, thinking this idea might work for him waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom.

    "What do you want!", asked the father gruffly.

    "I want a watch!", said Johnny.

    "Well then sit down and shut up!", said his dad.
     
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