Police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.


My dogs don't even have bikes.

 

I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day.
It came back to haunt me.


How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch!

A skeleton walks up to the bar and says to the bartender. “Give me a beer... and a mop.”


What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Frostbite!

That’s all for now.... there,are a pirate and two princesses on my front porch telling jokes & demanding candy.

 

Took the family to a Zoo at the weekend.
The Zoo only had one animal.
It was a Shih Tzu.

 

The oldest know joke is from Summeria: Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

The oldest I know that is still relatable: what hangs at a man's thigh and lives to poke the hole oft poked before?

A key.

 

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

A jazz musician plays thousands of notes for an audience of 4 or 5.....a rock musician plays 4 or 5 cords for an audience of thousands.

 

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blondwoman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,"

said Steven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as members of Parliament.

 

how to you stump an archaeologist? Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

 

In our era of LGBTQ community life, such events are no longer in a joke category!! No offence intended.

 

If you regularly tune in to this forum, it might be suggested that you try to not over analyze some of the humour (perhaps contributions might be a better word) you might happen upon. I sometimes feel this forum needs humor police. You volunteering?

 

Nooooooo. Not at all. You took me wrong!

I just added a dimension by stating in a lighter vein that it might be possible with certain individuals to do that in reality.

I’m extremely sorry if I was taken otherwise.

 

There was no slight against the alphabet community, it was joke about engineers.

Are "engineer" jokes to be put in the PC basket now?

 

I dunno maybe he was just highlighting the current pc climate rather than call anyone out for being insensitive. Just my 2cents

 

Thank you dear. My apologies if it sounded otherwise. At times my eagerness to contribute something funny land me up in big mess inadvertently.

 

I took it as more a joke on MPs than engineers. In any case I think engineers are about the least likely profession to "feel" offended in this ultra-PC world because they're too busy getting on with real jobs knowing they are useful contributors. On the other hand, making jokes about MPs, yes please, more the better.

-- From an ex-engineer who's never been and never will be an MP, but would consider becoming a Dictator if it comes with the power to get rid of PC crap.

 

Done that many times !

 

I confess I did that once, it was on the 13th of June, 1964 (long before the WWW and forums).

I have not tried to contribute with a humerus response since that day.

 

Life's too short to be offended by everything.

Here's another engineer joke.
Client: "How do you estimate how long a project will take?"

Engineer: "I add the time needed for each activity, then multiply by pi."

Client: "Why multiply by pi?"

Engineer: "It explains why my estimates are always irrational."

 

just throwing this out there as another ex-engineer....

 

Ok I'm a physician and this cracked me up.