Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Ahh, that makes sense....

There once were two young girls from Birmingh'm
I knew a wild story concerning 'em
...

From George Carlin... Always one of my favorite joke-tellers (and truth sayers😉)...


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algaebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy ad

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

What do you call a girl with one leg who has lost her crutches? Eileen!

Here you go:

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. She was not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

A man walks into a bar, and to the astonishment of the other patrons, is accompanied by a tiny man wearing a tuxedo. He orders a drink, and unpacks a tiny piano, which the tiny man begins to play. The patrons are entranced.

One of them asks the man where he found the tiny piano player, and the response was that he had found an old bottle, out of which a genie appeared, and granted him a wish. "Wow", responded the patron, "I wish that I could have an opportunity to make one wish.", to which the man responds, "Sure, no problem.", and pulls a bottle out of his bag. He rubs it, and a genie appears and asks "What is your wish?", to which the patron responds "I'd like a million bucks!". "Done.", says the genie, before disappearing back into the bottle.

A few seconds later, many ducks begin flying into the bar through the door and open windows, quacking all over the place.

"What's all this?" exclaims the patron, "I asked for a million bucks – not ducks!"

"No kidding." says the other man, "Do you think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

How can you tell an engineer is extroverted not introverted?

He looks at YOUR shoes.

At a fundraising concert performance recently, Bono was trying to highlight the need, saying "Every time ~clap~ I clap my hands ~clap~ a starving child in Africa dies ~clap~.

As he paused for effect and continue to clap ~clap~, a voice rang out from the crowd...


"Well then stop eff'ing clappin' ya sick bastard!"

A man was golfing one weekend with his wife as his caddy. On a dogleg par 4, he hooked his drive way left behind a barn.
Man: I guess I'll have to chip the ball back into the fairway.
Wife: No, look, if you open the barn doors on each side, you have a clean shot to the green.
So the man tries the shot. The ball rattles around inside the barn, hits his wife in the head and knocks her dead.
Fast forward a week. The man is golfing on the same course with a caddy. On the same dogleg, he hooks his drive again behind the same barn.
Man: I guess I'll have to chip the ball back into the fairway.
Caddy: No, look, if you open the barn doors on each side, you have a clean shot to the green.
Man: NOOOOOO! That is way too risky. I tried that last week and got an 8 on this hole.