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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. MMMD unaffiliated curmudgeonly absurdist & polyologist May 19, 2015

    Man on a plane sees that his seatmate has a black eye and asks how it happened.

    "Oh the silliest thing... the ticket agent happened to have a magnificent bosom, and though I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburgh, it came out as "a picket to Titsburgh," so she socked me in the eye.
    First man says what a coincidence - practically the same exact thing happened to me at breakfast with the wife last week. I meant to say "honey, would you please pass the salt?", but what came out was "Bitch! You've ruined my life!"
    Edited May 26, 2015
  2. j.allen May 19, 2015

    Okay so is he supposed to be a food item, like a Twinkie or Little Debbie? Cuz po' folk eat that stuff. I'm not sure I understand "Gateaux." A play with the word "ghetto."? Why?

    Okay I see, this is a bakery.
  3. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! May 19, 2015

    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

    "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

    Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

    "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
  4. oasis3270 May 19, 2015

    Celine Dion walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?"
  5. Modest_Proposal Trying too hard to be one of the cool kids May 19, 2015

    The money we spend on watches...
    DaveK, nixf6, about3blank and 5 others like this.
  6. LastMan May 23, 2015

    Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
  7. LastMan May 23, 2015

    Someone from Birmingham.
    Darlinboy likes this.
  8. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! May 23, 2015

    Ahh, that makes sense....

    There once were two young girls from Birmingh'm
    I knew a wild story concerning 'em
    Edited May 23, 2015
    flw likes this.
  9. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! May 26, 2015

    From George Carlin... Always one of my favorite joke-tellers (and truth sayers;))...

    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    Is there another word for synonym?

    Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

    Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

    How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

    What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

    If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

    Does the Little Mermaid wear an algaebra?

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy ad

    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

    If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

    Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

    Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

    If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

    If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
    Pun, Longbow, NGO1 and 13 others like this.
  10. Canuck May 26, 2015

    What do you call a girl with one leg who has lost her crutches? Eileen!
    NGO1 and nimzotech like this.
  11. Barking mad Prolific Speedmaster Hoarder May 26, 2015

    Here you go:

    A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. She was not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
    Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
    Boy: "Dark in here."
    Man: "Yes it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball."
    Man: "That's nice."
    Boy: "Want to buy it?"
    Man: "No, thanks."
    Boy: "My dad's outside."
    Man: "OK, how much?"
    Boy: "£250."
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.
    Boy: "Dark in here."
    Man: "Yes, it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
    Man: "That's nice."
    Boy: "Want to buy it?"
    Man: "No, thanks."
    Boy: "I'll tell."
    Man: "How much?"
    Boy: "£750."
    Man: "Fine."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
    The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    The son says, "£1,000."
    The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
  12. wsfarrell May 27, 2015

    “More hay, Trigger?” “No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed.”

    This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It’s a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It’s rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. It is an ex-parrot.
    lando and Darlinboy like this.
  13. Tony C. Ωf Jury member May 27, 2015

    A man walks into a bar, and to the astonishment of the other patrons, is accompanied by a tiny man wearing a tuxedo. He orders a drink, and unpacks a tiny piano, which the tiny man begins to play. The patrons are entranced.

    One of them asks the man where he found the tiny piano player, and the response was that he had found an old bottle, out of which a genie appeared, and granted him a wish. "Wow", responded the patron, "I wish that I could have an opportunity to make one wish.", to which the man responds, "Sure, no problem.", and pulls a bottle out of his bag. He rubs it, and a genie appears and asks "What is your wish?", to which the patron responds "I'd like a million bucks!". "Done.", says the genie, before disappearing back into the bottle.

    A few seconds later, many ducks begin flying into the bar through the door and open windows, quacking all over the place.

    "What's all this?" exclaims the patron, "I asked for a million bucks – not ducks!"

    "No kidding." says the other man, "Do you think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
    Pablo1971, Thrasher36 and ConElPueblo like this.
  14. Event horizon faux seller of watches and complete knobhead May 27, 2015

    When I die I want to go like my father who died peacefully in his sleep,
    Unlike his terrified and screaming passengers.
  15. Event horizon faux seller of watches and complete knobhead May 27, 2015

    The amount we tell our wives we paid is the real joke.
  16. Moppel May 27, 2015

    Spanish Computer !

    A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

    "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

    A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "COMPUTER" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The women won.
    Yellowjacket, Pun, Stewart H and 4 others like this.
  17. TexOmega May 27, 2015

    How can you tell an engineer is extroverted not introverted?

    He looks at YOUR shoes.

    MaiLollo, about3blank, jsaen and 3 others like this.
  18. peatnick May 27, 2015

    Dear Mr. Jones,

    Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

    I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.

    Before we take this any further, however, I must point out that the name of the show is actually 'Fact Hunt.'

    In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.


    Chuck Barris,

    Guber-Peters Entertainment,

    Hollywood, CA

    Pun, Thrasher36, ajg1960 and 5 others like this.
  19. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! May 27, 2015

    At a fundraising concert performance recently, Bono was trying to highlight the need, saying "Every time ~clap~ I clap my hands ~clap~ a starving child in Africa dies ~clap~.

    As he paused for effect and continue to clap ~clap~, a voice rang out from the crowd...

    "Well then stop eff'ing clappin' ya sick bastard!"

    Edited May 28, 2015
    Thrasher36, MaiLollo, RegF and 3 others like this.
  20. redpcar May 27, 2015

    A man was golfing one weekend with his wife as his caddy. On a dogleg par 4, he hooked his drive way left behind a barn.
    Man: I guess I'll have to chip the ball back into the fairway.
    Wife: No, look, if you open the barn doors on each side, you have a clean shot to the green.
    So the man tries the shot. The ball rattles around inside the barn, hits his wife in the head and knocks her dead.
    Fast forward a week. The man is golfing on the same course with a caddy. On the same dogleg, he hooks his drive again behind the same barn.
    Man: I guess I'll have to chip the ball back into the fairway.
    Caddy: No, look, if you open the barn doors on each side, you have a clean shot to the green.
    Man: NOOOOOO! That is way too risky. I tried that last week and got an 8 on this hole.