Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

nxw1969 · May 28, 2015

I went to a party last night.
The dj played all sit down, so we all sat down
Then he played jump up, so we all jumped up
Next he played come on Eileen, and I got thrown out.

dennisthemenace · May 28, 2015

A ninety year old woman visits her doctor with her nether regions all battered and bruised.
Good lord, how on earth did that happen? asks the doctor.
Well, says the woman, my husband and I were making love as usual on a Sunday morning.
Are you sure you should be having sex at your age asks the doctor.
Oh yes, replies the woman, for the last twenty years we have used the church bells for a rhythm, ding in, dong out, ding in, dong out, and then yesterday Mr Whippy turned up.
.

Canuck · May 28, 2015

Being unfamiliar with "Mr. Whippy", I Googled it to find it was likely an ice cream truck which rings a bell?

Buckeyes#1 · May 29, 2015

Event horizon
When I die I want to go like my father who died peacefully in his sleep,
Unlike his terrified and screaming passengers.

I wonder if Mad Dog finds this funny?

PhelonyJones · May 29, 2015

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the armadillo that it COULD be done.

Darlinboy · May 29, 2015

Buckeyes#1
I wonder if Mad Dog finds this funny?

If he didn't here's another....

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off, with no word to the passengers about what had happened.

A curious passenger asked the flight attendant, 'What was the problem - why the delay?

'The pilot was bothered by a strange knocking sound he heard coming from the engine', explained the flight attendant, 'and it took us a while to find a new pilot.'
::rimshot::

Frap · May 29, 2015

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured

gatorcpa · May 29, 2015

F Frap
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured

Several CONCACAF officials were arrested here in Miami yesterday.
gatorcpa

Frap · May 29, 2015

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

oasis3270 · Jun 4, 2015

A man goes away on vacation in Mexico and has his younger brother watch his cat. On the second day, when he calls his brother to see how things are going he tells him that the cat is dead.

The man immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "What's wrong with you?! You can't tell a person bad news like that! You gotta break it to them slowly. The first day, you should have said that Tiger was stuck on the roof and you couldn't get her down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications while sleeping peacefully in her sleep."

The brother apologizes, and asks for forgiveness. The next day the younger brother calls his older brother up and says, "I have news." "What's up?" "Mom is stuck on the roof and we can't get her down."

redpcar · Jun 4, 2015

An American business man made a trip to Japan to visit a customer. His first night he visited a geisha house to relax. As he was making love, the lady was going crazy in bed during sex, writhing and screaming saying "MACHIGATTA ANNA MACHIGATTA ANNA". Thinking this must mean wonderful or amazing.
The next day on the first tee, his customer hits a terrific drive down the middle. The businessman says machigatta anna. The Japanese customer says: "What do you mean wrong hole?"

citizenrich · Jun 5, 2015

Darlinboy · Jun 17, 2015

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

dennisthemenace · Jun 17, 2015

Two Irish engineers are standing staring up at the top of a flagpole, scratching their heads.
A woman walking by asks them what they are looking at.
One of the men tells her that they have been sent to measure the height of the flagpole but they don't have a ladder long enough.
The woman asks for a spanner and disconnects the pole at the bottom and swings it down to the ground
She takes the men's tape measure and then tells them that it is exactly 22 feet, and walks away.
Paddy says to Mick, typical woman, we needed to know how tall it is, and she tells us how long it is.

Tony C. · Jun 21, 2015

Not exactly a joke, but, as juvenile as it may be, I find it to be very funny in the context of the official rejection notice...

Darlinboy · Jul 1, 2015

Siri, do you have a boyfriend?

No, but drones are always trying to pick me up!
::rimshot::

Darlinboy · Jul 1, 2015

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
::rimshot::

JimInOz · Jul 1, 2015

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged aSheila called Penny – spooky or what?

Spike · Jul 1, 2015

I heard this on the radio this morning and it's apparently UK's 'top joke'.........yes really.

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

::rimshot::

bvertz · Jul 1, 2015

Spike
I heard this on the radio this morning and it's apparently UK's 'top joke'.........yes really.

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

I guess the British are known for their well honed sense of humor.