Gnome reality series....

 

Still might not work ..... (world record is 46 stories without injury but lets not try that at home please :0)

 

Check this out. Not intended as a joke, by the way.

https://allthatsinteresting.com/elvita-adams

 

(I retired in the Philippines BTW)..... Hence this joke.
- My Sister In-Law wanted to see my Farm as she has never been there. Upon arrival to my Farm I said "Well this is the Cow I have been feeding for the last 15 years" Sister In-Law said "That's not a Cow, it's a Goat" ............. I responded " I am talking to the Goat"

 

The best version is:
A guy stumbles home drunk as hell with a live duck. He can't open the door and rings the doorbell. His wife comes and opens the door.
The drunk man blurts out, "See, that's the pig I've been fuck!ng."
The wife goes, "That's a duck."
The guy responds, "I wasn't talking to you. "

 

Looking for a weekend hookup, I swiped right on a woman without a picture, and we matched.


So after a brief chat I go pick her up. With no photo, I was braced for the worst, but so desperate it was worth a roll of the dice.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold - she’s gorgeous! Five foot three, bottle green eyes, strawberry blonde hair, and curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck!

I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sixth grade at the local parochial school.

So we head out to dinner, and on the way, I took and chance and lit up a joint and asked if she wanted a puff.

"Oh heavens no,” she giggled, “What would I tell my class?”

So, we arrive at my favorite restaurant. I choose a steak, she wants one too - a good sign. When the server comes to take our order, I ask for the wine list.

“Oh heavens no,” my date says, “You go ahead, but I don’t drink!”

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow, “you don’t?”

"Oh no, what would I tell my school children?” she said.

So later I'm driving her home and I figure, what have I got to lose. So I ask, "Hey, want to go back to my place and knock boots?"

She said, "Oh heavens yes! I thought you'd never ask!"

"No kidding?" I asked, "Because I almost didn't ask at all - what are you gonna tell your school children?

She grinned and said, "The same thing I always tell them...

... you don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!"

 

First off my 90 year old Dad is ok.

Understandably, he was a little shaken this morning. He was robbed at the filling station near his home in Worcestershire, England. After his hands had stopped trembling, he managed to call the police. The whole thing was caught on camera. The officers were quick to respond and calmed him down, explaining this is happening all over the county.


His money is gone, all of it, but he’s alive, that’s all that matters. The police asked him if he knew who did it. He said yes...








It was pump number 2

 

"God created war so that Americans would learn geography."

– Mark Twain

 

So true. I finally figured out where Ukraine is and now Russia is trying to erase it.

(...'bad taste' humor category...)