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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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M'Bob
·
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DaveK
··Yoda of Yodelers
I used to take the school bus to high school. One day, while we were stopped to pick up more miscreants, both the bus driver and I watched as a guy on the opposite side of the street walked down his driveway to his car and rested his lunch bag on the car roof while he unlocked the door. Totally forgetting his lunch on the roof, he got in the car, started it, and put it in reverse. Watching this, the bus driver leaned on the horn (the very loud bus horn), and the guy stopped and stuck his head out the window to see what all the noise was about. “You forgot your lunch!” the driver yelled. The guy looked to his right, and seeing that his lunch bag wasn’t in the passenger seat, yelled a grateful “Thank you!!” and hopped out of his car & ran back to his house. With all the horn blaring and yelling going on, the guy’s wife was now standing at the front door, and after a brief exchange she laughed and pointed to the roof of his car. And there he was, doing the walk of shame back to his car with his wife and a bus full of high-schoolers laughing at him. I don’t know how I remember that day so vividly, but I’m glad I do because it was absolutely hysterical. How the heck would the bus driver know he forgot his lunch?
My own experience with forgetting stuff on the roof of a car was picking up a box of 12 donuts to fuel a road trip with my friends. Tim Horton’s was the first stop on my way to picking everyone up, and the next time I thought of those donuts was at the first traffic light where I heard them slide across the roof until I could watch the box wheelie down the windshield, shoot across the hood and explode into the middle of a busy intersection. 🤦
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Canuck
·Back when I was in the retail jewellery business, I heard a story about a jewellery sales rep who had visited a jeweller. When he returned to his car, he put a tray of live samples onto the roof of his car while he loaded sample case. The tray held dozens of expensive samples, all containing precious stones. As he pulled out of the busy shopping centre parking lot onto a 6 lane major thoroughfare, he heard a “thump”! It is reported that he spent about 1/2 an hour, with his car parked where it was when he heard the thump, as he scrambled around trying to retrieve his samples. I didn’t hear whether he retrieved them all, or how many rings were damaged after being run over!
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M'Bob
·I used to take the school bus to high school. One day, while we were stopped to pick up more miscreants, both the bus driver and I watched as a guy on the opposite side of the street walked down his driveway to his car and rested his lunch bag on the car roof while he unlocked the door. Totally forgetting his lunch on the roof, he got in the car, started it, and put it in reverse. Watching this, the bus driver leaned on the horn (the very loud bus horn), and the guy stopped and stuck his head out the window to see what all the noise was about. “You forgot your lunch!” the driver yelled. The guy looked to his right, and seeing that his lunch bag wasn’t in the passenger seat, yelled a grateful “Thank you!!” and hopped out of his car & ran back to his house. With all the horn blaring and yelling going on, the guy’s wife was now standing at the front door, and after a brief exchange she laughed and pointed to the roof of his car. And there he was, doing the walk of shame back to his car with his wife and a bus full of high-schoolers laughing at him. I don’t know how I remember that day so vividly, but I’m glad I do because it was absolutely hysterical. How the heck would the bus driver know he forgot his lunch?
My own experience with forgetting stuff on the roof of a car was picking up a box of 12 donuts to fuel a road trip with my friends. Tim Horton’s was the first stop on my way to picking everyone up, and the next time I thought of those donuts was at the first traffic light where I heard them slide across the roof until I could watch the box wheelie down the windshield, shoot across the hood and explode into the middle of a busy intersection. 🤦
Your story brings up the all too often reality that parents have driven away with a baby in the car seat, on the roof. I had a friend witness this, but he said the baby floated down into the street, unhurt.
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Archer
··Omega Qualified WatchmakerMy own experience with forgetting stuff on the roof of a car was picking up a box of 12 donuts to fuel a road trip with my friends. Tim Horton’s was the first stop on my way to picking everyone up, and the next time I thought of those donuts was at the first traffic light where I heard them slide across the roof until I could watch the box wheelie down the windshield, shoot across the hood and explode into the middle of a busy intersection. 🤦
My wife used to leave her coffee cup on the roof quite often, resulting in damaged cups. We had matching thermal mugs and one day I grabbed my coffee in the morning, that she had so nicely made for me, and the cup was all dinged up. She gave me that one every morning from then on...👎
A few years ago we were driving home and saw a woman in her car pull out of a street near us, with her purse on the roof. We honked and waved as much as we could, but she just drove off, and the purse ended up on the road when she turned right and pulled away. We stopped, picked it up, and checked the wallet. Found the address and drove right to her house, and handed it over to her very amused husband...I think he was excited to tease her about it when she arrived home. We did get a thank you card a few days later, which was nice.
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Canuck
·I once drove away from an exhibition hall after loading all my stuff. I was two blocks away, and my cell phone rang. A woman had found a camera bag in the parking lot. She was going to turn it into the information desk at the hall, but noticed a metal tag on the camera bag that had my cell phone number. I drove back and got my camera. I had driven away from the hall with my tail gate open!
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STANDY
··schizophrenic pizza orderer and watch collectorKnow a guy who graduated college and received a GMT Rolex from his parents and put it under he’s chair and went home that night after having a few too many and forgot about it.
Rushed back in the morning to see the cleaners a row away from where he was sitting and the watch sitting there with his jacket over the top of it. (He had rushed back to get his Jacket 😜)
Rushed back in the morning to see the cleaners a row away from where he was sitting and the watch sitting there with his jacket over the top of it. (He had rushed back to get his Jacket 😜)
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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JimInOz
··Melbourne AustraliaTwo old guys Bob aged 87 and Harry aged 80 were seating on a park bench.
Bob had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
Harry was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
Bob said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home Harry stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the sales assistant asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this sh#t but me.”
Bob had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
Harry was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
Bob said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home Harry stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the sales assistant asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this sh#t but me.”
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ahsposo
··Most fun screen name at ΩF
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M'Bob
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!I was at the grocery store the other day, looking for anchovies to use later that day for home-made pizza. Lots of people don't enjoy anchovies, but I happen to like them, especially on pizza and in caesar salads.
Spotting a stock boy, I asked him where the anchovies were and he replied, "I'll see, sir," and walked off.
Five minutes later, he hadn't returned, so I waved down another employee and asked again about the anchovies. He cheerfully answered "Ah, good morning & thanks for shopping with us - I'll see," and off he went, never to return.
Somewhat annoyed, I eventually had to find the anchovies myself. They were in ...
...aisle C.
Spotting a stock boy, I asked him where the anchovies were and he replied, "I'll see, sir," and walked off.
Five minutes later, he hadn't returned, so I waved down another employee and asked again about the anchovies. He cheerfully answered "Ah, good morning & thanks for shopping with us - I'll see," and off he went, never to return.
Somewhat annoyed, I eventually had to find the anchovies myself. They were in ...
...aisle C.
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M'Bob
·I was at the grocery store the other day, looking for anchovies to use later that day for home-made pizza. Lots of people don't enjoy anchovies, but I happen to like them, especially on pizza and in caesar salads.
Spotting a stock boy, I asked him where the anchovies were and he replied, "I'll see, sir," and walked off.
Five minutes later, he hadn't returned, so I waved down another employee and asked again about the anchovies. He cheerfully answered "Ah, good morning & thanks for shopping with us - I'll see," and off he went, never to return.
Somewhat annoyed, I eventually had to find the anchovies myself. They were in ...
...aisle C.
Classic from Redd Foxx: “What’s an anchovy? It’s a little fish that smells like a finger…”
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!"Dad, are you planning on getting me a gift for my birthday?"
"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"
"Well, I could always use a Bitcoin."
"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,000! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $35,000? Some day you'll have a job yourself and have a better appreciation of how much $65,000 is on a pre-tax basis. I don't understand what you're going to do with a $15,000 bitcoin anyway. Pick something else - $5,000 for a bitcoin is more than we were going spend."
"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"
"Well, I could always use a Bitcoin."
"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,000! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $35,000? Some day you'll have a job yourself and have a better appreciation of how much $65,000 is on a pre-tax basis. I don't understand what you're going to do with a $15,000 bitcoin anyway. Pick something else - $5,000 for a bitcoin is more than we were going spend."
Edited:
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vbrad26
·I work in the construction industry and got this one today...
What happens when you put a duck in a cement mixer?
You get quacks in the concrete.
What happens when you put a duck in a cement mixer?
You get quacks in the concrete.
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marco
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Duracuir1
··Never Used A Kodak
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Canuck
·At least she was not weaving flying a jet plane.....
.
Then there’s the Tesla driver who commuted daily to the city, from a rural bedroom community. Since the car did the driving, the driver though he should find something he could do, to fill the time spent commuting. So he took up knitting. One day, as he sped along, knitting away, the cops pulled up beside him and over the PA, hollered PULL OVER. He lowered his window and hollered back, NO! CARDIGAN!