Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Canuck · May 6, 2016

Then there's the story of the blonde with beautiful long hair who decided she needed to make a few changes in her life. She had her hair cut short, and died red. Then she dumped her four door sedan, and bought a convertible. She completely re-did her wardrobe. She went for a drive on a little used rural road, when she encountered a shepherd leading his flock down the road. She fell in love with the lambs. She asked the shepherd if she could have one to take home. He told her to choose on. She got out of her car and wandered through the flock, finally choosing one and putting it in her car. The shepherd said, "you're really a blonde, aren't you?" She said, "yes! How'd you know?" The shepherd answered, "I'll need to have my dog back!"

dennisthemenace · May 6, 2016

Did you hear about the blonde with a tampon behind her ear searching for her pencil?

ahsposo · May 6, 2016

A mother who was cleaning her teenage son's bedroom discovered a cache of S&M magazines under his bed.

She presented them to her husband and asked, "What should I do about this?"

"Well, one thing's for sure," he said. "Don't give him a spanking."

dougiedude · May 8, 2016

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Arizona. He told her she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from New Jersey. He gave his wife orders to do all of the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals daily. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Alabama. He ordered her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of the left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

JimInOz · May 12, 2016

Just heard this from a local footy legend.

Back in the day when I was up and about, I was in bed with my GF and I told her I'd bought some flavoured condoms.
She immediatley squealed in delight and dived under the covers.
After a minute or so she came back up looking confused and asked "Are they cheese or onion flavour?"
"Don't know yet, I left them at the office".

Steve9pm · May 12, 2016

If I had a dollar very every time a girl found me attractive

Eventually they would find me attractive

Spy · May 12, 2016

Do you know why I bring two pairs of pants when I play golf?

In case I get a hole in one.

West Slope · May 12, 2016

Steve9pm · May 13, 2016

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Don't worry! He woke up!

wsfarrell · May 13, 2016

Darlinboy · May 17, 2016

A World War II RAF pilot was reminiscing to his great-grandaughter's class about his days in combat.

"In 1942," he told them, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force, and were out in force" he continues, "one day I was protecting my bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these German fokkers appeared."

(At this point, several of the children started to titter)

"I looked around," he continued, "and right next to me was one of them. So I swung around & shot the fokker down. But there were more, and I soon realized that there was another fokker right behind me!", he exclaimed.

At this statement, the girls giggled and blushed, and boys started to laugh.

The teacher stood up and said, "Ahem. I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German airplane.

"That's true," said the old pilot with a grin, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

wsfarrell · May 17, 2016

Steve9pm · May 17, 2016

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

Canuck · May 18, 2016

HOLY PROSTITUTES
A young man is driving down a deserted sretch of highway when he notices a sign

Out of the corner of his eye... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs may be for real and drives past a third sign saying

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign Next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden Door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Send this to everyone you're still able to remember! You have to give us Catholics

credit… We have devised ingenious ways to raise $$$$…..

Virus-free. www.avast.com

Steve9pm · May 20, 2016

If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies? The Swallow.

Canuck · May 20, 2016

New home needed

I bought this 8-week old female Alsatian pup as a surprise for my wife

Turns out she's allergic to dogs, so we are trying to find her a new home.

She' s tall, leggy, 39'years old, beautiful, an excellent cook, and keeps a spotless house!

ONEWATCH · May 21, 2016

Not a joke but a true story. At the bank today I saw a friend and gave them a big smile. They commented that every time they see me I have this big smile on my face. I asked if they wanted to hear the story behind the smile and they agreed. Back about 15 years ago I started having hearing problems. Some loss and lots of tinnitus. My GP sent me to an ear nose throat Doc. He tested, drew blood and scanned me. Put me on some meds and no help. Then he sent me to the big university medical center and they did all the same things. After several weeks and appointments they came to the conclusion that I had way too much Viagra in my system and I needed to cut done on the amount I was taking. I went home and told the wife what the results were and what the recommended. Her reply was "Sorry about your luck deaf boy." So now you know why I always have a big smile on my face.

JimInOz · May 21, 2016

For those of you overseas you may not be aware of what this cartoon is referencing. Last week five males were arrested up in far North Queensland as they were about to head to Indonesia and meet up with people smugglers and attempt to enter Syria to fight with ISIS. The five males are all from Melbourne, they had purchased a boat and towed it all the way to Cairns, a distance of 1,800 miles and were going to motor all the way to Indonesia. Noting they had all previously had their passports cancelled and were on security services watch lists, I find it hards to believe that they could not have believed that they were being watch; police and counter terrorism units monitored them all the way from Melbourne to Cairns, they now face up to life in jail. Not the sharpest knives in the draw.

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STANDY · May 21, 2016

@JimInOz
Reminds me of the lady that drove into a croc infested river mistaking a boat ramp for a river crossing. ( the no ramp out on the other side of the river would have made most people think twice )

http://www.eturbonews.com/10364/tourist-drives-her-car-croc-infested-east-alligator-river

ahsposo · May 21, 2016

A chicken and and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is sitting up leaning back on the headboard smoking a cigarette, a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says "Well, I guess we answered that question."