What day of the week hate chicken's the most?
Frydays.

 

http://giphy.com/gifs/3o7abkti7UphSopcl2/html5

 

I don't just like it, love it.

 

Today's giggle ~:O)

New seniors complex

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"At this point, a older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:"How much for a season pass???"

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat on lassie."


She replied, 'Awe Stuart that's nice. Are you taking me te the pub with you?"


“Nay," Stuart replied. "I'm turning the heater off while I'm out."

Sorry @Alpha

 

the hoose is bugged !!!

 

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be in IT", says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be a manager".

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

 

How do you know Kylo Ren has no friends?








Because he's Ben Solo his whole life

 

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"At this point, a older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:"How much for a season pass???"

 

I thought it is because 7 8 9...

 

There was a prison break the other day and I saw a midget climb the fence and sneer at me while he jumped down. That was a little condescending.

 

Jeez, I hate to enter a thread without having read the ENTIRE thing (just kidding).



A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

 

A senior citizen, a guy, is sitting on a park bench, appreciating the day. Comes a jogger, a guy that appears to be in his 60s. The fellow stops him, and asks his age. "I'm 85", says the jogger. The guy replies, man, you look great! I never would have thought you were a day over 65! What do you attribute your condition to? "Rye bread! Lots of rye bread. And lots of sex", says the jogger. "Try it", he said.

Well! The guy stops off at a bakery on the way home, and asks for five loaves of rye bread. The girl says, "Y'know, it gets hard after three!" The guy says to himself, "is it only ME that doesn't know about this?"

 

Pavlov was sitting in a bar when the phone rang.


"Damn,' he thought, "I forgot to feed the dog."

 

In a recent sex survey 46 percent of women, when asked if they had ever faked an orgasm, responded, "Yes, yes! Oh, God! YES!"

 

Two blondes were sipping their coffees when a truck loaded with rolls of instant turf went past.

"I'm going to do too that when I win the lottery" said one.

"What" asked the other.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed".

 

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines everywhere.

 

Who's this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents beating me?

 

"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time.
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'
He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"

"If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet...
what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?"

-Steven Wright (a favorite of mine)