Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

dougiedude · May 21, 2016

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car:

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

roel1955 · May 22, 2016

it comes from two sides? stereo jogurt

roel1955 · May 22, 2016

black and with and sitting in an tree? nest with cows

MMMD · May 22, 2016

STANDY
@JimInOz
Reminds me of the lady that drove into a croc infested river mistaking a boat ramp for a river crossing. ( the no ramp out on the other side of the river would have made most people think twice )

"Her four-wheel-drive became submerged in the East Alligator River, about 300 kilometres east of Darwin..."

I love the choice of Darwin as a reference point for this incident.

Canuck · May 28, 2016

And then there's the story of the lady tattoo artist who had designs on every man in town. 😁

ahsposo · May 28, 2016

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas.

At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.

His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head, "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Canuck · Jun 2, 2016

One afternoon on an estate in England, the lord of the manor was approached by his butler with a question. The butler had been unable to find the definition of the word aplomb. He asked the lord. The told him it was an easy word to define, and he related an earlier incident on the estate when a prominent politician and his wife had paid a visit. The couple had been in the rose garden, and the male guest managed to get a rose thorn deeply imbedded in his finger. His lady managed to get the thorn out, but the finger was very tender. At breakfast the following morning, the butler was serving the lord and his guests. The lady guest asked her husband if his prick was still throbbing! The lord said to his butler, "you heard the missus ask her husband the question, and you absolutely didn't react. THAT was aplomb!"

Matty01 · Jun 3, 2016

Little Johnny is normally quite uncommunicative during English lessons. During this weeks 'word of the day' session the teacher was in equal measures astounded, excited and trepidatious as little Johnny's hand shot into the air expressing his fervent desire to participate. 'yes Johnny, please tell us how you might use to word contagious in a sentence'. 'well miss, the other day me n my dad was drivin along behind this truck and the back doors flung open all of a sudden, flapping around all over the joint. All these Oranges was spliling out all over the road and me dad says, it gonna take that contagious to clean that lot up.'

Canuck · Jun 3, 2016

Oh! I get it!

ahsposo · Jun 14, 2016

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired,

"How much for a season pass?"

ulackfocus · Jun 16, 2016

There goes the neighborhood......

ahartfie · Jun 16, 2016

Contents of Megan's My Pictures Folder:

😀

Fritz · Jun 16, 2016

Ooooooo..... I want my next speeding ticket from her........

Darlinboy · Jun 16, 2016

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats, and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven"

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two watches, and another two watches and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good, now you get it. So.... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a fu#*!ng cat!"

ulackfocus · Jun 17, 2016

Steve9pm
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be in IT", says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be a manager".

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Heard that a different way:

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost while flying over a lake in the hills. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

"She rolled her eyes and said "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, yet you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

blubarb · Jun 18, 2016

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fecking freezing!

ulackfocus · Jun 18, 2016

Modernization of classic tales:

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
MSNBC, CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green".
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

ulackfocus · Jun 18, 2016

ahsposo · Jun 25, 2016

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife now has it too."

"Son of a Ba-Itch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

ahsposo · Jul 4, 2016

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?

After a month they were fighting tooth and nail.