Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

[Darlinboy]

I was going to tell another time travel joke...









but no one will think it’s funny.

Edited: Jun 26, 2021

 

[Mouse_at_Large]

What do you call a fly without wings?


A walk.

 

[Mouse_at_Large]

What do you call a bear without a paw?



Yogi the bastard.

 

[MyVintageOmega]

My Sister In-law wanted to see how my Farm is doing. When we got there I said "this is the Cow that I have been feeding for 15 years" Sister In-law replied "that's not a Cow....... It's a Goat!"

I said............... "I was talking to the Goat"

 

[Barking mad]

 

[time flies]

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a singer song writer.
Or sew it seams.

Sorry...
have fun
kfw

Edited: Jun 27, 2021

 

[Tony C.]

Guy walks into a bar, beautiful woman sidles next to him, puts her hand on his leg and says, “I’ll do anything you want for $500.” Without hesitation the guy says, “Paint my house.”

 

[Duracuir1]

 

[Léon P]

Portland was more than a bit warm this week...

 

[marco]

 

[marco]

 

[Omegafanman]

This made me smile... Thunderbands are go ….F.A.B
.

 

[Tony C.]

 

[JimInOz]

Here's one for @Canuck and the pocket watch crew.

It was entertainment night at the Lifestyle Retirement Village.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Doug the Hypnotist!

Doug explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance."Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Doug.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Doug carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Doug, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Doug.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch".

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotised.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

"SHIT!" said Doug.

It took them three days to clean the Centre and Doug was never invited there again…

 

[Darlinboy]

Parsimonious Pete and his wife Sally were walking past the patio dining area of a swanky (and very expensive) romantic restaurant

Taking in the sight of the crowd delightedly enjoying their candle-lit meals, Sally took a deep breath and said, “Oh Pete, it smells absolutely wonderful and I do so enjoy seeing all those couples having such a good time together!"

As they strolled on, Sally looked back over her shoulder with a last lingering look at the restaurant. Noticing her wistful gaze and fingering his wallet, Pete sighed and thought to himself ... "What the hell … I’ll treat her!”

So, he took her arm, turned around, and ....

... walked her past the place again!

 

[Darlinboy]

Continuing the trend of successful business leaders making the shift to politics, Jesper Brodin recently tweeted that he may choose to run for Prime Minister of Sweden. Assuming he is successful, it will be very interesting to see how this all plays out. I am particularly looking forward to hearing about his plans to assemble a cabinet.

 

[JimInOz]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

 

[Cayohuesovespa]

1. what do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup?
2. Beer.

 

[lindo]

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[Archer]

Saw an interview with a mother of two identical twin boys. The first boy was named Amal, and the other was named Juan.

During the interview the mother showed a photo, and said she only kept a photo of Juan in her purse. When asked why she replied “Once you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal.”