Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

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A horse, a hot dog, a Canadian man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveler walk into a bar.

“What is this,” the bartender asks, “some kind of joke??”
 
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The Alberta oilman, and the Texas oil man met. The Texas oil man said he planned to build a 6-foot tall wall of 18-karat gold, completely around the state of Texas. “Do that,” said the Alberta oil man. “If I like it, I’ll buy it!”
 
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A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald.
He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant.

"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant.

"How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the owner, "is your first worry."
 
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T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt.






.

It’s because of the small arms.
 
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Three Aussie riggers, Nanksie, Boof and Giffeo, are working on a high-rise putting up steel. Somehow Boof catches a boot lace on a cleat, looses his footing, hits the deck and dies. The boys are upset but figure someone should go tell his wife.

Giffoe reckons he’s pretty good at sensitive stuff and volunteers. A couple of hours later, he’s back carrying a case of cold beer. Nanksie asks him “Where’d you get the piss?” “Boof’s Mrs gimme it.” Nanksie’s miffed, “You’re unreal, you told the poor woman her husband’s dead and she gave you a case of beer?” “Well kinda,” says Giffoe, when she answered the door, I said, "You must be Boof's widow?" She said, “No, I'm not a widow.” And I said, “I'll betcha case of beer you are”.
 
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Our lawnmower recently broke down and my wife kept bugging me to get it fixed. However other things just kept cropping up that needed my attention like cleaning out the garage, fixing the car, going fishing with my buddies, and all those kinds of things. One day my wife got a bright idea and she sat out in the front yard with a pair of scissors snipping the grass hoping I would get the hint. Thinking I was being helpful I went inside and got a toothbrush I came outside and told her as long as she was going to cut the grass he might as well sweep up afterwards.
 
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Brilliant, I'll run off a copy for my office wall.

Also on a religious theme -

If you are talking to God, you're Praying.
If God is talking to you, you're schizophrenic.
 
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Please be sure you review the prior posts before putting up a chemistry joke.

I keep seeing the same ones reposted periodically.

hahnium
hahnium
hahnium
 
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And still speaking of chemistry jokes...

Q. Why was the mole of oxygen molecules so excited when he left the singles bar?


A. Because he got Avogadro's number!

::rimshot::
 
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Pulling up a stool at the bar, the chemist waved over the bartender and said, "I'll have a bourbon please, with a splash of hijklmno."
 
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A guy is being interviewed for a managerial position.

"Tell me", says the interviewer, "what would consider to be your main weakness?"

"Honesty", comes the reply.

The interview looks a little confused.

"Honesty? Really? I think honesty is a strength, not a weakness."

To which the guy says, "I couldn't give a sh*t what you think."