A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?" The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
A family of moles awakens from hibernation into the early hours of a glorious sunny morning. The father mole pokes his head out of the burrow and says "I smell tulips it must be spring". The mother mole pokes her head out of the burrow and says " I smell cherry blossoms it must be spring". The baby mole is trying to squeeze between his parents but gets stuck and can't quite get past them. "Well that's it then... I'm going back to bed," says the baby mole, "All I can smell is molasses."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their order, the man orders, “ a hamburger, fries and a coke”, and turns to the ostrich……”what’s yours?” “I’ll have the same replies the ostrich. Returning with the meals the waitress says,” that’ll be $9.50 please”… The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, same thing, and for the following week the man and ostrich frequent and order the same meal…and each time the man produced the exact amount for the bill. Considering it routine, the waitress welcomes them the following week with “the usual?”… “No, this time it’s a treat, so I’ll have steak, baked potatoes and salad” says the man. “Yep, the same”, says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “that will be $32.62 thankyou” Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the counter………… The waitress cannot hold back her curiousity any longer, “Excuse me sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time???” “Well”, says the man, “several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes………….. My first wish was that if ever I had to pay for something, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.” “That’s brilliant”, says the waitress, “most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” “That’s right,” says the man, “ whether it’s a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there!” The waitress had to ask, “ But sir, what's with the ostrich….??” The man sighs, pauses and sheepishly replies………………………… ………….. …………… …………. …………. ………… “My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long, long legs who would agree with everything I said…..”
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
I was in the garden yesterday, and a neighbour came over to ask what I was doing. I told him I was rearranging my herbs into alphabetical order. He asked me how I find the time, and I said it was right next to the sage.
Speaking of time, someone asked me the other day if I had time to spell "wonton" backwards. But being short on time I said not now...
Two drunk guys at the bar got into a heated argument and things were beginning to get out of hand, with the shouting and shoving escalating quickly. "Knock it off and take it outside guys," said the bartender, "or I'll get the bouncer to give you the toss, and you won't like that at all!" The pair staggered outside and faced off again, weaving slightly but remaining upright. The first drunk scuffed a crooked line in the dirt with his boot, then took a step back and raised his fists. "I dare you to crosh that," he slurred, glaring at his opponent, "Thath’s… … the punchline!!
A man walks into a bookstore and asks the clerk, “Say, have you got that new book about the famous scientists Pavlov and Schrodinger?” The clerk scratches his head, thinks for a moment, then replies, “Hmmm, that rings a bell, but I don’t know if it is there or not.”