A woman's three-year-old daughter recently came into the kitchen and asked, “Where does poo come from?” The mother decided it was best to explain it to her at a level she would understand, so she said, “Well, food goes into your mouth, then down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs from the food, then what’s left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.” She looked confused and stared at her in a stunned silence for a few seconds. Then she asked, “And what about Tigger?”
Q. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? A. He was looking for Pooh! ——— Q. Which side of Tigger has the most stripes? A. The outside! ———- Q. Why doesn’t Pooh wear any shoes? A. Because he has bear feet!
Pooh asked “Eyore, why are you always in such a bad mood?” Eyore replied, “Because I have a nail in my ass!”
Being an engineer and driving a train had been Sam’s dream - no, an obsession really - ever since he was a child. Though taking the examination multiple times, he was never able to qualify, instead eventually finding employment as a conductor. Every day Sam helped the passengers sboard, collected the tickets and watched the countryside go by, all the while growing increasingly envious of the engineer, up in the cab, merrily driving the train. One day, as Sam just beginning his shift (it was the express train on that particular day) he saw that the engineer had left open the door to the engine’s unattended cab. Something in Sam’s head just snapped and seizing the opportunity, Sam leapt into the cab, grabbed the controls, and quickl pulled the train away from the station. Boarding passengers were thrown from the steps and platforms, the ones unfortunate enough to be on board already crying out in terror as the train rapidly gained speed. Sam, still in his manic state, pushed up the speed faster and faster - wanting the train go as fast as possible. Completely unskilled, increasingly reckless, and by now tearing down the track at maximum velocity Sam derailed the train in a curve, causing a horrible crash. Miraculously he made it out, but many on board did not. Well, needless to say, Sam was arrested and faced trial for his crimes. He was quickly found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came Sam requested a single banana as his last meal - for luck he said. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air, but nothing happened. Sam was perfectly fine, the electric chair was fried. At the time, there was an arcane law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention so incredibly, Sam was allowed to go free. And he went right back out and highjacked another train! Once again, he caused the train to crash, resulting in more deaths. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in an immediate sentence of execution. This time for his final meal, Sam requested two “lucky” bananas this time. After eating the bananas, he was again strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and Sam was once again unharmed. This of course meant that Sam was free to go once more (they really ought to change that law!) And once again, he somehow managed to take over yet another train. To what by now should come to the surprise of no one, Sam crashed the train and the death count rose once more. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three “lucky” bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid lucky bananas and walking out of here unharmed and killing more innocent people. I'm NOT giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now. I rebuilt the electric chair muself, using heavy duty cables and a separate single circuit generator with more than enough juice to light up a small town. This time, you are going to pay for your crimes - justice will at last be served." And so it was that Sam was strapped in to the electric chair no last meal, and it seemed, finally out of luck. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and when it cleared - Sam was still unharmed! The executioner couldn’t believe it, spluttering “What the … I thought it must have been the lucky bananas but now what?” Sam looked up at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
One day a husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says, “Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?” He says, “Who do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “The nerve of that guy!” growls the husband, “So, what kind of cake did you bake?” “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
Teachers of DJ scratch techniques have it hard. First thing they need to do is discuss with class how uncanny it is that the men will be faster learners than the women. Uncanny wristability is the factor
@Paedipod , It took me about ten seconds to twig, but it finally hit me! Almost akin to the joke, what do you use to repair a broken euphonium? Tuba glue!
Second world war, prisoner in a Russian interrogation situation: a Swiss fella stole my Russian watch. Reply: you mean a Russian stole your Swiss watch?. Answer: you said that, not me