Time for a drink.

My apologies if this has been posted before:

 

As a West County boy nowadays often in London this is so true….
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Northerner terrifies Londoners by saying ‘’Hello’’
Malley was apprehended by London Police who were forced to let him go as friendliness to strangers is not a crime in London until next year. Northerners are generally friendly but will headbutt if cornered…..
Malley said ‘’I did not know the customs of London, I did not mean to be happy, I am going back on the train upt’ North now’’
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT0ay9u1gg4
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/January_1886_blizzard

"A significant chunk of Arctic air from the north filtered down into the South in the wake of this system. Corpus Christi, Texas, saw its temperature plunge by 64 F° (38 C°) within 12 hours. Palestine, Texas, fell to 0 °F (−18 °C), its coldest temperature in 40 years.[9]Nashville, Tennessee, recorded five consecutive days with lows below 0 °F (−18 °C) between January 8 and January 12, with a minimum of −9 °F (−23 °C) on January 11.[15]Chattanooga, Tennessee, fell to −5 °F (−21 °C) on January 9, its coldest reading on record at the time.[9] On January 11, the temperature at Jasper, Alabama, fell to 0 °F (−18 °C).[10] Portions of North Carolina saw temperatures fall well below 0 °F (−18 °C) from January 11 through 14, with readings as low at −18 °F (−28 °C) in Wilkes County on January 12.[11]"

 

Speaking to you from the frozen prairies of Western Canada, 100 kms east of the Rocky Mountains. We are envious of your weather! If only!

 

A cranky old woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at the supermarket.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas”.

 

Two cans of peas are good, but a bag of rice would be better

 

Thought for the day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

 

And both will stop old people rolling out of bed. Win win

 

What is the difference between rabbit and a plum?


They are both purple, but not the rabbit.

 

You too, chef ?

 

Makes as much sense as, “what is the difference between a duck? Its one feet are both the same!” Or, “I am not as green as cabbage looking!”

 

A top end of town Lawyer is in hospital, he is giving the nurses a hard time, always complaining about everything, always yelling at them and calling them names. One day the head nurse walks in and tells him she needs to take his temperature, he sticks out his tongue and opened his mouth. No today Sire, this one needs to be more accurate, please turn over, so he does, he feels it being inserted, just then the nurse says, hang on for 5 mins I have an urgent patient call, be back soon. She leaves the door open an he noted people walking past laughing at him.
Anyway here he is on his face , bum up in the air when his doctor walks in and sniggers, "what's the matter Doc , ain't you ever seen temperature taken this way?". No, well not with a daffodil anyway

 

If you don't like a joke, don't "like" it, or better yet... tell one of your own!

Speaking of which...

What did Tennessee?



Same thing Arkansas!

 

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

 

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss calls his bluff, “Okay Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door.

Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“The US President,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.” And off they go.

At the White House, the President spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope!” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who is that on the balcony with Dave?'”

 

He said, "I love you so much. I could never live without you."

She giggled and asked, "Is that you talking or the beer?"

He said, "It's me - talking to the beer..."

 

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He wasn’t usually a big drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he had done something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of painkillers next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them was a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.

He took the painkillers and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.”

He stumbled into the kitchen and sure enough, there was a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast on the table waiting for me?”

His son replied, “Oh that! Well, Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!'”