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Mad Cow
·
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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vitriol
·Huh?
I guess "drunken lobster" in that memes is something different than UD's top:
Cpt.Obvious anyone?
I guess "drunken lobster" in that memes is something different than UD's top:
Cpt.Obvious anyone?
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Mad Cow
·Huh... UD ... who knew?
seplling and gramer not quite up to OED standards
seplling and gramer not quite up to OED standards
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CPRwatch
·Finally Proof that there is water on Mars ,
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Archer
··Omega Qualified WatchmakerLatest mars rover shot...
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Reacher
·Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss calls his bluff, “Okay Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door.
Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“The US President,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, the President spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope!” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
By the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who is that on the balcony with Dave?'”
THAT WAS GREAT!
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rob#1
·
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!After answering a domestic violence call, the police officer returned to his squad car to update his sergeant.
“ You won't believe this one Sarge,” he radioed. “A woman shot and killed her husband for tracking up the wet floor she'd just mopped.”
"Roger that" responded the Sergeant “Do you have her in custody?”
“Not yet Sarge. I'm waiting for the floor to dry!”
“ You won't believe this one Sarge,” he radioed. “A woman shot and killed her husband for tracking up the wet floor she'd just mopped.”
"Roger that" responded the Sergeant “Do you have her in custody?”
“Not yet Sarge. I'm waiting for the floor to dry!”
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JimInOz
··Melbourne Australia
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AlphaToOmega
·Hear about the dyslexic that walked into a bra?
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!I didn't get spanked yet I've huge respect for others. Yours appeared to be a strange case...
Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a young elementary school teacher named Miss Bingham complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until her arm tired from the effort, to no avail.
“When you want him spanked again, send him to me,” Miss Manners said, "I've plenty of experience - and a strong arm as well."
The next morning, Thomas came to Miss Manners' office, and knocked timidly on the door. The Miss Manners regarded him with a raised eyebrow.
“Are you Thomas?" she asked sharply. "And did Miss Bingham send you to me?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Thomas said.
“I thought as much!” Miss Manners snorted. And on the instant, she skillfully inverted the youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner.
This duty done, and as the wailings of the boy died away, she looked at him sternly saying “Perhaps that will teach you to show some respect! What have you got to say for yourself now?"
“Please, ma’am,” Thomas sobbed, struggling to catch his breath,
“Miss Bingham sent me to ask if she could borrow your scissors!”
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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RI Omega Fan
·Hear about the dyslexic that walked into a bra?
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Circling back to the very first joke on this 153 page thread! Does that mean we are out of jokes?
If you've forgotten it, it's new to you! 👍
Speaking of which....
Francis had a problem with memory loss, and was being treated for it. One day he was chatting with his wife and their good friend, Richard, on the porch of the senior living home.
“Say Francis, how is that new memory clinic working out for you?” asked Richard.
“It’s going great!” Francis said. “I can remember just about everything.”
"That's great!" Richard says “I might try it too then... what’s the name of the clinic?”
Francis scratches his chin a moment then says “Umm...what do you call that red flower .. you know ... the one with a long stem and thorns?”
“Do you mean a rose?” Richard asks.
“Yes, that's it!” Francis says, snapping his fingers and turning to his wife.
“Hey Rose - what’s the name of that memory clinic?”
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JimInOz
··Melbourne AustraliaI’ve been accused of posting juvenile puns.
I prefer to think of them as full groan.
I prefer to think of them as full groan.
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DaveK
··Yoda of Yodelers
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SpeedyPhill
·for all fans of "" The Queen's Gambit (miniseries) ""
😁
.
😁
.
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