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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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vitriol
·
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- 504
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RonJ
·Money well spent.
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest starts, “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast, his face covered in stitches. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
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RonJ
·Some people have the gift of gab.
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!A Russian is stopped at the checkpoint as he prepares to cross the Ukrainian border.
“Where are you traveling from sir?” the border guard asks.
“Moscow” replies the Russian.
“Occupation?”
“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”
“Where are you traveling from sir?” the border guard asks.
“Moscow” replies the Russian.
“Occupation?”
“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”
Edited:
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imfagent449
·What did the mermaid use to clean her scales?
Tide.
(Told to me by a friend)
Tide.
(Told to me by a friend)
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CPRwatch
·Boss - This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week ,Do you know what this means ?.
Me - That it’s only Wednesday....
Me - That it’s only Wednesday....
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Twocats
··Married... with childrenThree women were having lunch one day discussing their love lives and what they can do to spice them up a bit.
One of the women described how she would dress in sexy lingerie and an eye mask and wait at the door for her husband to come home. Her husband would come through the door, see her and they would make passionate love all night long.
The other two women said they would like to try it and hurried off together to buy the outfits.
The next week they were back in the cafe having lunch once more when the woman who made the suggestion asked how the sexy surprise went.
The first woman said, “ He walked into the kitchen and there I was all dolled in the mystery mask and lingerie, he grabbed me, pulled my underwear off and made love to me right there on the kitchen table in full view of our neighbours”
Red and flustered she turned to the second lady and asked, “how did it go for you”
Immediately the second lady bursts into tears and said, “ I dressed up in the sexy outfit with the mask and when my husband walked through the door, he looked me up and down and said, “what’s for dinner Batman”
One of the women described how she would dress in sexy lingerie and an eye mask and wait at the door for her husband to come home. Her husband would come through the door, see her and they would make passionate love all night long.
The other two women said they would like to try it and hurried off together to buy the outfits.
The next week they were back in the cafe having lunch once more when the woman who made the suggestion asked how the sexy surprise went.
The first woman said, “ He walked into the kitchen and there I was all dolled in the mystery mask and lingerie, he grabbed me, pulled my underwear off and made love to me right there on the kitchen table in full view of our neighbours”
Red and flustered she turned to the second lady and asked, “how did it go for you”
Immediately the second lady bursts into tears and said, “ I dressed up in the sexy outfit with the mask and when my husband walked through the door, he looked me up and down and said, “what’s for dinner Batman”
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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vitriol
·
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.
Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.
Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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- 4,527
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- 62,580
CPRwatch
·Boss - This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week ,Do you know what this means ?.
Me - That it’s only Wednesday....
Keeping it topical & fresh ,
Boss - This is the 5th time you’ve been late for work this week ,Do you know what this means ?.
Me - Yes , its finally Friday
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Buck2466
·> A young New York woman was so despondent that she decided to end her life.
> She was going to throw herself into the ocean. As she ran to the end of the
> dock, a young man stopped her.
>
> "I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for.
> Look, I'm a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow.
>
> I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I'll take care of you, bring you
> food every day, and keep you happy."
>
> With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go
> to Italy, the young woman accepted.
>
> That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable
> compartment in the hold.
>
> From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, and a bottle
> of red wine, and make love to her.
>
> Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
>
> "What are you doing in here?" demanded the captain.
>
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
>
> "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." Her conscience got the best
> of her and she added, "The truth is he's screwing me, too."
>
> "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
>
> She was going to throw herself into the ocean. As she ran to the end of the
> dock, a young man stopped her.
>
> "I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for.
> Look, I'm a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow.
>
> I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I'll take care of you, bring you
> food every day, and keep you happy."
>
> With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go
> to Italy, the young woman accepted.
>
> That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable
> compartment in the hold.
>
> From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, and a bottle
> of red wine, and make love to her.
>
> Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
>
> "What are you doing in here?" demanded the captain.
>
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
>
> "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." Her conscience got the best
> of her and she added, "The truth is he's screwing me, too."
>
> "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
>
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Archer
··Omega Qualified WatchmakerI asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She leaned forward and whispered "They're right behind you!"
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RonJ
·Remember the wise advice of "cheaters never prosper".
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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Fritz
·
That happens when you’ve been up too late cramming too long and your brain just cries enough.
its still smart enough for clever thinking, just not the clever thinking you need at that moment.
although I never used them this kind of brain fry up often followed cramming while using “beans” or uppers or massive doses of caffeine in pill form to get that last bit of chemistry or advanced algebra or mechanics of structures stuffed into said poor brain.
i once watched a guy punch out the exam room door until his knuckles bled following a massive loss of all mathematical ability during the exam. He slept for two solid days after we dropped him at home.
ah... school days.... how I miss the fun!
its still smart enough for clever thinking, just not the clever thinking you need at that moment.
although I never used them this kind of brain fry up often followed cramming while using “beans” or uppers or massive doses of caffeine in pill form to get that last bit of chemistry or advanced algebra or mechanics of structures stuffed into said poor brain.
i once watched a guy punch out the exam room door until his knuckles bled following a massive loss of all mathematical ability during the exam. He slept for two solid days after we dropped him at home.
ah... school days.... how I miss the fun!
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DaveK
··Yoda of YodelersBecause of my severe anatidaephobia, I never did well in school