Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Darlinboy
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P pongster
sure it was a sweater? Not a cardigan?

"Come up on stage ma'am", said the magician to the woman in the front row, who then trotted up the stairs to join him on stage.

"Welcome" he said with a bow. "Can I count on you to help me with this next trick?

"Sure!" she replied, nodding eagerly and bouncing up and down on her heels.

"Alright then - now - pick a card please," said the magician, producing a deck and fanning it out to her.

The woman hesitated a moment, moving her hand back and forth, then drew one from the leftmost (her left, not the magician's) part of the deck.

"Memorize it," he told her, "then put it back in the deck".

She stared at the card in her hand for a moment, then nodded to the magician and put it back in the deck.

With a flourish, the magician shuffled the deck once, then twice, then three times, after which he paused. Holding the deck out to the women, he asked her to cut it, which she did.

Once more the magician shuffled the deck once, twice and then one final time.

Fanning the deck out to her once more, the magician nodded to her and said...


"Now, pick a card again".

::rimshot::
Edited:
 
BlackTalon
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The contractor is probably too young to have ever heard of a 'phone tree'
 
Darlinboy
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P pongster
sure it was a sweater? Not a cardigan?

Out with his spouse and two other couples at a fancy restaurant for a night on the town, Jack was deep in his cups and doing his very best to keep the group entertained.

Cracking jokes, making silly faces, and guffawing at his own wisecracks, he was making quite the spectacle of himself, much to the amusement of his table mates.

Not so enamored with the show were a rather staid couple seated close by - clearly annoyed and shooting frequent glares at the merry-makers.

Jack’s wife waved them off with a giggle and a grin saying, “Oh y’all don’t mind my husband, he’s just being a card again!”

::rimshot::
Edited:
 
Darlinboy
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There was an artist's competition at the local park this weekend.

It ended with a draw.

::rimshot::
 
Darlinboy
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Two silkworms were competing to see which could produce the most silk.

It ended in a tie.
 
Darlinboy
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On Valentine's day I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and into the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

Then, I got under the covers wearing nothing but my birthday suit, with a bottle of vintage champagne chilling in ice on the nightstand.

I heard the front door open and her footsteps coming up the stairs. I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly nervous.

She stepped into the room, took in the scene then screamed, "Who the hell are you?!!"
 
Darlinboy
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After the violence at the US Capitol building yesterday, my mother's two sisters - who live in the D.C. area - have decided to join a peaceful candlelight ceremony tonight on the National Plaza.

I guess you could say they're a couple of vigil aunties.
 
Wryfox
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If there's one thing I learned today, its that Costco is harder to get into than the Capital....
 
BlackTalon
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Wryfox Wryfox
If there's one thing I learned today, its that Costco is harder to get into than the Capital....
Capitol building has always been very easy to get into. It is a building for the people, as are the House and Senate buildings.
 
Wryfox
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BlackTalon BlackTalon
Capitol building has always been very easy to get into. It is a building for the people, as are the House and Senate buildings.
You dont seem to get the point of this thread....
 
BlackTalon
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I DO get it. And it has always been harder to get into Costco than the Capitol -- it is not a new thing. I guess if you live around here that just did not seem like a joke -- more just a statement of fact. 😕

That said, if that Lego kit actually gets made (even if a Chinese knock-off), I have to get one to go with all of our Apollo/ space shuttle/ Porsche/ Fiat Lego sets.
 
Darlinboy
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If you don't like a joke, don't "like" it, or even better - maybe tell one of your own? 👍

Speaking of which... have you heard the one about the skunk?

Never mind, it really stinks.

::rimshot::
 
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