Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

jsducote
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Archer Archer
I'm getting a slight feeling that you may not be the biggest Stanford fan on the planet? So what happened, they wouldn't let you in? 😉
I got into Stanford ... through the hospital maternity ward.
 
Omegafanman
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There is so much we don’t know / we may never know……… the mystery of existence…
 
Dumplings.jpg
K
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Daddy, what is an alcoholic?

Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees

Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees
 
STANDY
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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned with helping the other monks copy the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says: “You make a good point, my son”.

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”

“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies: “The word is celebrate!”
 
STANDY
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So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to the question,




"Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"
 
Engee
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On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"No, not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them.”
 
DaveK
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Who the heck ordered the carp 😒
 
blufinz52
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Wife: Flathead, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that's when I knew she was the one.
 
jsducote
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blufinz52 blufinz52
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Wife: Flathead, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that's when I knew she was the one.
Convenient that her name was already 'wife' -- probably scared off earlier suitors
 
RonJ
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jsducote jsducote
Convenient that her name was already 'wife' -- probably scared off earlier suitors

Am I the only one thinking maybe it might have been someone else's Wife at the time? 😲
.
 
Charlemagne1333
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James Bond walks into a bar, and takes a seat next to an attractive woman. He gives her a seductive glance, and then looks casually at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, “ Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art Omega Seamaster watch, I was just testing it.”

“What’s so special about it?”, asks the intrigued woman

Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“It’s telling me that you’re not wearing any underwear.”

The woman smirks and replies, “You’re watch doesn’t work, I am wearing underwear!”

Bond replies, “It’s an hour fast, it must be magnetized!”
 
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