How many Stanford Grads does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.

 

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

So, this Stanford professor and this San Jose State professor are both attending a conference. The just happen to be standing at adjacent urinals relieving themselves and both zip up and turn at exactly the same time. The San Jose State professor heads straight for the door.

The Stanford professor speaks up and says "You know at Stanford, they teach us to wash our hands after relieving ourselves".

The San Jose State professor replies "At San Jose State, they teach us not to piss in our hands".

 

I'm getting a slight feeling that you may not be the biggest Stanford fan on the planet? So what happened, they wouldn't let you in?

 

My computer has stopped me using Beef Stew as a password …. said it was just not stroganoff....

.

 

Dentist: This will hurt a little

Patient: OK

Dentist: I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now

 

I heard that one about That Other prestigious private university whose mascot is a shade of red.

 

How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

.

 

regardless of where he obtained his psychology degree?

 

Yep, I think the light bulb joke works for all universities.

Even Stanford !

(just a joke, I would have proudly gone to Stanford back when I went to school).
.

 

Doesn't meat the requirements, eh?

 

I would have gotten kicked out. Seriously. And Stanford goes way out of their way to keep from having to kick anyone out.

Here in Silicon Valley, there are scads of Stanford grads, so looking down on them is sort of an inside joke among us outsiders.

If that makes any sense.

 

K

Probably made a Mi-steak entering it in.....

 

Very funny.

 

James Bond walks into a bar...

Bond: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

Barman: “You have to buy a drink first”

Bond: “Fine, I’ll have a Vodka Martini”

Barman: “There you go”

Bond: “Thanks, so what’s the password?”

Barman: “You have to buy a drink first, all lower-case, no spaces”

Bond exits the bar, shaken, but not stirred...

 

Doctor: You're obese

Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion

Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too

 

A patient visits his doctor...

Patient: “ Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog”

Doctor: “ How long have you been feeling like this?”

Patient: “ Since I was a puppy”

Doctor: “Get on the couch, I’ll examine you”

Patient: “I’m not allowed on the couch”

 

So, I went to the shop to get a book on Sea Turtles (A Complete Guide to Their Biology, Behaviour, and Conservation) ….. The Hardback the shop assistant asked?... …So I told her - yes that is them...and they have flippers, small heads and beaks as well :0)

.

 

Patient: My wife suffers from a drinking problem

Therapist: Oh is she an alcoholic?

Patient: No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers