Patient: “Are you a James Bond fan?”

Dr: “No.”

 

Why do I feel like an old "Sheldon"?
Anybody else get this?

 

I think I do.

 

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy

Now I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God

 

Username checks out

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.

 

I love our excuses for eating dessert. I have a sweet tooth. Oh, so you're ordering it for your tooth, that's interesting. Because it's going straight to your ass. I think your ass owes your tooth an explanation.

 

asian version

"THE BALANCE"

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh
day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?".

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant."

"I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts."

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a group of islands and said, "What are those?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the Philippines, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots they will put in the government."

 

That is clearly a killer joke.... I have tried to buy them on Amazon... but they are our of stock... along with the Hedgehogs ….

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B01DQST1AW

Adjustable hedgehog Harness for Training & Playing

https://omegaforums.net/threads/hopefully-pet-owners-understand-dedicated-to-pets.15475/page-223

 

Might be able to get @killer67 s one cheap, seems his lost his hedgehog Over on the pets thread.

 

A James Bond fan was asked to name his favorite 007 actor..

“They’re all good, but I like Roger Moore.”

 

Little girl: "Mommy, what is a Canadian?"

Mom: "It's an unarmed American with health insurance, sweetheart."

 

Far from unarmed...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Estimated_number_of_civilian_guns_per_capita_by_country

We have plenty of guns here...we are just not obsessed with them.

 

Only cause you are scared of what is below your border...

 

True...we fought you invaders off once...we'll do it again if necessary.

Edit to add that we do have a lot in common - for example we both travel across our Southern borders to a slightly backwards country in order to buy cheap booze!

 

Someone said, "you know, you Americans really didn't need to fight the revolution. The English would have gotten bored and left you alone eventually. Just look at Canada."

 

I'm scared what's below their border and I live there.(below their border)

have fun
kfw

 

Watching the news right now, boring is good mate...

 

The U.S. has more than 3.4 times as many guns per capita as Canada. Canada is not exactly unarmed, but compared to the U.S. they're close.

 

If only they were watches.