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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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JimInOz
··Melbourne Australia? What did I miss?
You'll have to work it out 😉.
Spooner, an avid oarsman in his college days, was walking along a riverbank when he spotted an amourous couple out in a punt, kissing.
"Young man!" he shouted "Punts are not for kissing in!" (was what he meant to say).
But in typical Archibal Spooner fashion, he managed to transpose the meaning. Entirely!
😲
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Canuck
·Now I got you. That is one Spoonerism I’d not heard.
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Canuck
·A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story
and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and
good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like
the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened
to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the
other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad
heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and
got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the
day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping
at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief
and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so
late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the
worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe
what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead
in the middle of my lesson!"
and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and
good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like
the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened
to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the
other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad
heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and
got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the
day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping
at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief
and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so
late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the
worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe
what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead
in the middle of my lesson!"
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ExpiredWatchdog
·Hope I didn't repeat myself with this, if I did, tough shit.
This trader wants to form a caravan to cross the desert, but to form a caravan, you need both goods and many camels. The man has goods but needs camels.
So he heads down to the local camel dealer and asks for forty camels that are capable to make it to the city he intends to travel to. The camel dealer has a lot of the poorest camels seen on this side of antiquity and tells the trader that any and all of them are capable of making the journey. The trader buys the lot, takes them to the water hole, loads them up and head out to his destination.
After about twenty miles, the camels start looking a bit tired; after sixty miles the trader is really worried and turns his caravan around. Just barely making it to his origination, he heads to the camel trader and gasps "You sold me forty of the shaggiest camels on the Sinai peninsula and just about killed me, what have you got to say for yourself?".
The trader said "Before you blow your top, can you tell me how you watered them?"
They took a camel over to the water-hole and the trader showed his technique, first dipping the camel's head in the hole and the repeating it several times.
The camel dealer exclaimed "No, you are doing all wrong; no wonder you almost killed yourself. Let me show you how".
The camel dealer took a camel, pushed his head underwater, grabbed a couple of bricks and smashed the camel's balls between them. The camel responded with a loud "Swoosh" and the water disappeared.
The camel dealer turned to the trader and said "That's how to properly water a camel".
The trader said "Doesn't that hurt?"
The camel dealer replied with surprise "No, if you hold the bricks just like this, your fingers don't get caught between them.
This trader wants to form a caravan to cross the desert, but to form a caravan, you need both goods and many camels. The man has goods but needs camels.
So he heads down to the local camel dealer and asks for forty camels that are capable to make it to the city he intends to travel to. The camel dealer has a lot of the poorest camels seen on this side of antiquity and tells the trader that any and all of them are capable of making the journey. The trader buys the lot, takes them to the water hole, loads them up and head out to his destination.
After about twenty miles, the camels start looking a bit tired; after sixty miles the trader is really worried and turns his caravan around. Just barely making it to his origination, he heads to the camel trader and gasps "You sold me forty of the shaggiest camels on the Sinai peninsula and just about killed me, what have you got to say for yourself?".
The trader said "Before you blow your top, can you tell me how you watered them?"
They took a camel over to the water-hole and the trader showed his technique, first dipping the camel's head in the hole and the repeating it several times.
The camel dealer exclaimed "No, you are doing all wrong; no wonder you almost killed yourself. Let me show you how".
The camel dealer took a camel, pushed his head underwater, grabbed a couple of bricks and smashed the camel's balls between them. The camel responded with a loud "Swoosh" and the water disappeared.
The camel dealer turned to the trader and said "That's how to properly water a camel".
The trader said "Doesn't that hurt?"
The camel dealer replied with surprise "No, if you hold the bricks just like this, your fingers don't get caught between them.
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killer67
·Any hunters or Dick Cheney fans?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First, make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First, make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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Omegafanman
·I have often read that cats use an intensely subtle and nuanced forms of communication. While we humans rely primarily on speech to communicate detailed requests, cats predominately communicate in a silent language. Cats speak by using complex combinations of body language, vocalization, and scent cues....
I just fell across a picture of a couple of feral cats I took in Menorca…. Will we ever know what detailed, nuanced and subtle message is being conveyed here between these mysterious creatures.....
I just fell across a picture of a couple of feral cats I took in Menorca…. Will we ever know what detailed, nuanced and subtle message is being conveyed here between these mysterious creatures.....
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Charlemagne1333
·How many Country & Western band members does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six...
One to change the bulb, and the other five to sing about how good the old one was
Six...
One to change the bulb, and the other five to sing about how good the old one was
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JimInOz
··Melbourne AustraliaI was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed, "Thank you." obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed, "Thank you." obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
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M'Bob
·I have often read that cats use an intensely subtle and nuanced forms of communication. While we humans rely primarily on speech to communicate detailed requests, cats predominately communicate in a silent language. Cats speak by using complex combinations of body language, vocalization, and scent cues....
I just fell across a picture of a couple of feral cats I took in Menorca…. Will we ever know what detailed, nuanced and subtle message is being conveyed here between these mysterious creatures.....
Baby got back?
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Engee
·I have often read that cats use an intensely subtle and nuanced forms of communication. While we humans rely primarily on speech to communicate detailed requests, cats predominately communicate in a silent language. Cats speak by using complex combinations of body language, vocalization, and scent cues....
I just fell across a picture of a couple of feral cats I took in Menorca…. Will we ever know what detailed, nuanced and subtle message is being conveyed here between these mysterious creatures.....
"Gosh, you're right. He really did stick it where the sun don't shine. I expect you won't be making that offer again in a hurry."
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killer67
·Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve
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Omegafanman
·Baby got back?
It could be a new caption competition ….. ''I that really what the blackness of space smells like … Methane and burnt steak''
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ConElPueblo
·K killer67Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve
This is my favourite sushi place in my home town:
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killer67
·
Karma and sushi; 2 of my favorites dishes served best cold
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Muttley
·I have often read that cats use an intensely subtle and nuanced forms of communication. While we humans rely primarily on speech to communicate detailed requests, cats predominately communicate in a silent language. Cats speak by using complex combinations of body language, vocalization, and scent cues....
I just fell across a picture of a couple of feral cats I took in Menorca…. Will we ever know what detailed, nuanced and subtle message is being conveyed here between these mysterious creatures.....
Nietzsche and a cat's bum.
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