That is the kind of joke I torment my kids with. Much groaning and eye rolling......

 

I've got a new painter and decorator working in the house, he's actually a furloughed airline pilot. He's made a great job of the landing.

 

As a Cat fan I can see what guide cats have never taken off - in some respects dogs are still peoples best friend....

 

A small group of cavalrymen are holed up in a tiny outpost fort when the see a cavalry rider coming in fast and kicking up a lot of dust. He is badly injured and as they briefly open the gates horse and rider enter and collapse on the ground. Both are mortally wounded with arrows and bullets. The lookouts come down from the ramparts and everyone crowds around the wounded man. The Captain offers him water and everyone strains their ears trying to hear what he has to tell them. ‘’Indians…so many’’…. he gasped and with that the poor soldier expired. ‘’dang it’’ said the Captain. ‘’If we knew what we were up against and how long we had we could send for help / we might just survive this’’. Their Apache scout picked up one of the broken arrows, studied it and then led on the floor with his ear pressed hard into the dust… ‘’Many come he said, Hundreds of Sioux and Cheyenne warriors armed with bows and Winchester rifles’’. The small band of soldiers are amazed by this feat. ‘’You can tell all that just from the arrow, the guys wounds and vibrations from the ground’’ the amazed captain said...''No'' said the Scout… ''but if you lay down here next to me you can look under the gate as well''.....

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper

 

I found an Origami porn site on the telly the other night. Only problem it was paper view.

 

Just like that

 

Spider, spider, on the wall
Spider, spider, won’t you fall
Don’t you know it’s just been plastered
Get off the wall you stupid spider

Another bad joke about plaster.

 

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.


One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday

gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .


The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."


The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."


The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."


The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't

read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a

parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him.

I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.



Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."


The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You"

notes.


She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have

to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."


"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use

the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."


"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people,

but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it.



Thank you for the gesture just the same."


"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to

your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."


Love, Mama

 

NOT!

When I'm drinking my morning coffee!

 

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

 

The past, present and future walk into a bar. Needless to say, it was tense.

 

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did

 

Reminds me that I used to work part-time in a candle factory. I only worked on wickends.

 

I knew I wouldn't be any good as a psychic/clairvoyant long term, don't get me wrong I had the crystal ball & everything . I just couldn't see any future in it for me .

 

On the other hand, though, you have different fingers

 

Hey, you get what you deserve. That'll be the last time you read this thread with coffee in hand!

 

It was actually already in my mouth, and I almost lost it!

And the joke was a classic. Had a story, characters you could identify and the punch line was perfect.

Well done for finding it and sharing it with us @Canuck .