Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Seamonster

Would this not be better with "monster" - as the hippocampus, at least here on OF, is called a seamonster? Unless I - in not having English as my first language am missing something?

This... I kind of feel like this will be a running joke till we hit Michael Kors or early 2000 Tag territory ...

My next omega hunt...

Some regular drinkers are in a bar and the first says "I got so drunk last Friday night that I went home with a gorgeous woman, but when I woke up she looked like she was about seventy years old." The other drinkers nodded and said "yeah, that's pretty bad." The second to speak said "that's bad, but I went home with a gorgeous woman and when I woke up her dentures were in a glass on the nightstand, her wooden leg was leaning against the wall, and she must have been eighty." The others shook their heads in sympathy and said, "oh man, that's even worse." A third man spoke up and said "you think that's bad? Last night I went stumbled home and blew chunks. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at myself the same. The others looked at him sort of in disbelief and said "so what? We've all throw up from too much drink." The third man said "Oh, no. You don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

“With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

"What the fυck would they want with a plasterer??!"