Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Cenzo
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Day 5 of quarantine: We have run out of toilet paper. Why oh why didn't I grab that 96 pack of 3-ply Charmin when I had the chance. We've been forced to use Cottonballs to clean up. The problem with Cottonballs is, she is a very smart cat and she runs away when she hears the toilet flush.
 
lindo
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The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, a man answered his door to find a grim-faced policeman and one other waiting in the front yard.

"We're sorry, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers. "Tell me! Did you find her?" he asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled your late, departed wife up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
shaun hk
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Really not sure where to go this Easter....

The living room or the dining room.
 
Wivac
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Panic buyers in Paris have left the supermarkets looking like bomb sites.


De brie is everywhere
 
Omegafanman
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So a politician and banker were discussing the current 2020 stock market meltdown in a bar.
I just can believe it / I never in a million years thought this could ever happen they both agreed.

Another customer called over – guys this terrible pandemic situation has caught us all out and nobody expected this in a million years – we are all in this together.

They replied ….. No its not that , we have known the markets are overvalued and saturated with debt for years, since we screwed up in 2008..so we expected a huge crash…It is just totally unbelievable it can finally happen without us getting any blame for it….
 
Hoddspur
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I went on holiday to Cairo a few weeks ago and found the taxi drivers waiting outside my hotel to be among the most polite ones anywhere in the world:

They just toot-an-come-in! ::rimshot::😀
 
lindo
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HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 
JimInOz
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It seems that toilet jokes are not permitted in the "New Coronavirus, Covid-19 discussion thread (posting rules imposed)" thread, although I can't find the "rules".

So I'll post it here. Can't be bothered repeating my comment, just make up your own.

QuiltonStash.JPG
 
Omegafanman
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shaun hk shaun hk
Really not sure where to go this Easter....

The living room or the dining room.

I have told everyone we are still going on holiday....We cant got to Ramsgate or Margate... so we are going to Ourgate :0)
Edited:
 
Canuck
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I just talked to a friend last night who just got back from Mexico, ALIVE! Things being how they are, what are the chances?
 
Wivac
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What's small and wrinkly and hangs out your boxers?






Your mother.

Happy mother's day to all the mums on OF.
 
allwoundup
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Just because you are in self-quarantine doesn't mean you need to stop doing the things you like....
 
WineTour.jpg
jsducote
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allwoundup allwoundup
Just because you are in self-quarantine doesn't mean you need to stop doing the things you like....
Friends of mine did a pub crawl like that.
 
Alpha
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Not a joke but it made me smile

4CAE72EB-E573-4E68-A90C-994CCCF362D4_1_201_a.jpeg
 
lindo
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Australian love story

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Whilst suffering severe depression over his impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac biscuits wafting up the stairs.
 He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. 



Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of Anzac biscuits.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula......................

"Rack off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
 
lindo
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Here is one dedicated to long suffering school teachers everywhere........


Exam.jpg
 
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