Procrastination, Depression, Paralysis - A Turning Point

Wryfox · Oct 22, 2018

Just a quick add....the work I was doing...I believed I HAD to suffer like everyone else...because everyone else was miserable too. Everyone was on call 24hrs/day, everyone was sleep deprived. It was a weird normal, but you got used to it.

If you merely think you're overworked or overstressed, ask your loved ones. They know it way before you do, and probably tried to tell you many times.

Listen this time.

When I finally got off the corporate merry go round, my wife told me she was relieved. I was so blind I asked why? "Because I get my husband back. That job would have killed you." She was right, but the fact is, I was so into work I never paid attention to much else. She had been trying to tell me for years and I didn't pay attention. I consider myself lucky I got perspective in time before I ran myself into the ground.

As for my old workmates? They still contact me and share all their BS. They think I was crazy for giving up a cherry executive role. I, on the other hand, feel incredibly sad for them. Nobody wants their gravestone to read "I worked so hard for someone else I ended up here".

Do something good for the world, on your own terms. That's really the best medicine of all.

M'Bob · Oct 22, 2018

Wryfox
Just a quick add....the work I was doing...I believed I HAD to suffer like everyone else...because everyone else was miserable too. Everyone was on call 24hrs/day, everyone was sleep deprived. It was a weird normal, but you got used to it.

If you merely think you're overworked or overstressed, ask your loved ones. They know it way before you do, and probably tried to tell you many times.

Listen this time.

When I finally got off the corporate merry go round, my wife told me she was relieved. I was so blind I asked why? "Because I get my husband back. That job would have killed you." She was right, but the fact is, I was so into work I never paid attention to much else. She had been trying to tell me for years and I didn't pay attention. I consider myself lucky I got perspective in time before I ran myself into the ground.

As for my old workmates? They still contact me and share all their BS. They think I was crazy for giving up a cherry executive role. I, on the other hand, feel incredibly sad for them. Nobody wants their headstone to read "I worked so hard for someone else I ended up here".

Do something good for the world, on your own terms. That's really the best medicine of all.

A legitimately impressive bit of introspection; thanks for your honesty and bravery in sharing.

Wryfox · Oct 24, 2018

I've had a few messages about what was the final straw.....and there is always a final straw before you make a big change like this.

A fellow that worked in the office next to me, someone I worked with every day.....died from a heart attack in the parking lot of a Best Buy(large US electronics retailer). He went there after work, late in the evening, to pick up something and never made it. His family assumed he was just working late again, and didn't worry when he didn't come home.

He wasn't found until the next morning by an employee who came to open up the store. He was 42. Wife and two kids.

Imagine dying in the parking lot of a shopping plaza and nobody is worried you don't come home.

I wasn't going to be that guy.

He tragically lost his life, BUT...he may very well have saved mine by giving me a big time wake up call.

GuiltyBoomerang · Oct 31, 2018

@Wryfox and others,

I have made adjustments to my diet. It's funny that I say that, since I have an interest in physical fitness and health.

These last couple of weeks have been tough. The new diagnosis really made me delve deeper into OCPD and support groups, and there is a recurring theme:

The world does not revolve around you...BUT IT CAN CERTAINLY FEEL THAT WAY.

I've gone through a whirlwind of emotions, and, knowing that I now have OCPD, I recognise the downward slides into feelings of depression and anxiety (I can't say for sure, since they are not diagnosed.) I also can feel the highs, yet eventually those feelings of "not being good enough" are crippling.

OCPD does give weight to my social behaviour - the deep down feeling of "not being good enough" has meant that, on many occasions, I've had to say 'untruths,' exaggerate, or follow the crowd, because only talking about yourself is not particularly endearing to most people. I recognise this a lot more and do apologise a lot more frequently.

It's tough, because breaking it down, it feels as though you have way too many priorities, and since OCPDers have a major tendency to compartmentalise everything and ensure everything is perfect or in order - you procrastinate because you simply can't let things get away without righting them, and you feel frustrated when you do it and it's not up to your standard/someone else's standard/not done and it's not because it wasn't done properly/correctly, it's our mind being just stupidly and obscenely over-sensitive due to over-rationalisation.

It feels sick.

Wryfox · Nov 2, 2018

GuiltyBoomerang, you are experiencing an evolving self awareness. At first it appears as a heaviness...its a lot to absorb, right? Oh my god, I have faults(or have to face them)! Things I have to pay attention to and manage to make myself better!

But relax....yes, knowing there are aspects of yourself you want to improve now that you have the self knowledge. That's a good thing.

Wanting to improve is a good thing.

Trying and experimenting on improvements is a good thing.

The challenge of getting there makes it all worthwhile.

It's also very important to know a few very important truths about human nature:
- Humans think about themselves 90% of the time. So yes, the world revolves around everybody.
- People you talk to won't remember the majority of what you say, so stop apologizing. If you are saying what you mean to say, so be it.
- Nobody is better than you, nobody is worse than you. We Just ARE who we are. That's it and that's all.
- Therefore, no-one else's expectations of you matter. Live your own life. As they say, when you take care of your self, the rest takes care of itself. The better you are, the better you can take care of others.

To that end, outside of physical issues, cognitive therapy can be very effective in changing thinking in a very productive way. I have a family member with pretty severe OCPD. Cognitive therapy was a godsend for conditioning the brain to shift gears out of unwanted thoughts into positives. The need for perfection, the procrastination. Classic stuff and well understood in the field. I had this as well in a minor way for years. It actually made me very successful in my own field, which unfortunately reinforced the behavior...until I started rising up the ranks and found that perfection is neither expected nor wanted. Management is about running a business dealing primarily with the gray areas. That forced me to reconsider how I was thinking.

It takes a while for stuff like this to sink in, but it will if you keep pushing through. Its kind of like trying to lose weight. People knash over what they are trying to lose and how HARD it is. No, its not. Not if you look at it from a productive point of view....ie you're not losing anything, your GAINING health, your GAINING energy, your GAINING clearer thinking, etc, etc. Paint that picture and things get a lot easier.

GuiltyBoomerang · Dec 19, 2018

A belated pre-Christmas update...

* I started a new second job that fuelled a previous passion of mine - running poker tournaments!

* My psychiatrist put me on antidepressants after we had the one of the most honest and open counselling sessions together so far. Been on them for two weeks, will need a few more weeks to see effects. Initially they did make me extremely drowsy though that effect and others are subsiding a little.

* I picked up a few vices that, surprisingly, made me gain definition (thanks @Wryfox !) I threw out a lot of old clothes and got some new, thrift shop stuff and feel a lot better going out.

* I got an extended holiday from work after a pretty long chat with my boss and supervisor about my changed mood and energy levels. First day of the holiday I slept for 20 hours...

* Having all this time available has allowed me to read up on "non-traditional" methodology for symnptom management - my being upset about something is usually due to feeling like my work was being criticised when really, I was the one at fault and taking a moment to admit that has been a step forward.

I wish everyone a merry holiday season and am excited for the year to come.

Nathan1967 · Dec 20, 2018

Look after yourself and have a great Christmas Eugene

Take care

Nathan

Fost · Dec 21, 2018

Wryfox
GuiltyBoomerang, you are experiencing an evolving self awareness. At first it appears as a heaviness...its a lot to absorb, right? Oh my god, I have faults(or have to face them)! Things I have to pay attention to and manage to make myself better!

But relax....yes, knowing there are aspects of yourself you want to improve now that you have the self knowledge. That's a good thing.

Wanting to improve is a good thing.

Trying and experimenting on improvements is a good thing.

The challenge of getting there makes it all worthwhile.

It's also very important to know a few very important truths about human nature:
- Humans think about themselves 90% of the time. So yes, the world revolves around everybody.
- People you talk to won't remember the majority of what you say, so stop apologizing. If you are saying what you mean to say, so be it.
- Nobody is better than you, nobody is worse than you. We Just ARE who we are. That's it and that's all.
- Therefore, no-one else's expectations of you matter. Live your own life. As they say, when you take care of your self, the rest takes care of itself. The better you are, the better you can take care of others.

To that end, outside of physical issues, cognitive therapy can be very effective in changing thinking in a very productive way. I have a family member with pretty severe OCPD. Cognitive therapy was a godsend for conditioning the brain to shift gears out of unwanted thoughts into positives. The need for perfection, the procrastination. Classic stuff and well understood in the field. I had this as well in a minor way for years. It actually made me very successful in my own field, which unfortunately reinforced the behavior...until I started rising up the ranks and found that perfection is neither expected nor wanted. Management is about running a business dealing primarily with the gray areas. That forced me to reconsider how I was thinking.

It takes a while for stuff like this to sink in, but it will if you keep pushing through. Its kind of like trying to lose weight. People knash over what they are trying to lose and how HARD it is. No, its not. Not if you look at it from a productive point of view....ie you're not losing anything, your GAINING health, your GAINING energy, your GAINING clearer thinking, etc, etc. Paint that picture and things get a lot easier.

I am currently working very hard on Cognitive therapy and I really think that just explaining to everyone how your brain is working and
Why you can be stuck sometimes in a ‘depressive’ loop because your neo cortex has no more access to your limbic brain could help a lot. Explaining that depression (=inhibition) is the answer your limbic brain is giving to the urgence state your reptilian brain has initiated due to the conflict between the two others brain... explaining that everything is an interior conflict between yourself and yourself because one or many of your pre-register programs (limbic) is not working the right way but your main arbiter (neocortex) is not able to accès them. Explaining how you can repair those program and reopen the discussion between those two brain ( cognitive and comportemental therapy ) , I really think you can greatly improve people’s life and preventing your brain to re-enter the Beck cognitive loop again.
The girl I was crazy about leaved me because of her depression ... her inside pain is pushing me right now so I understand this decrease and when you enderstand very well the issue it is more efficient to work on the solution ...
Keep the faith

GuiltyBoomerang · Dec 22, 2018

@Fost - thanks for the encouragement there. I was a bit surprised at myself today - I managed to totally forget a meetup that had been organised a few days in advance, and apologised profusely for that. It didn't hit me because I was totally absorbed with something else, and as far as I know, retraining my ways of thinking will be a rocky road.

We will get there, one slow step at a time.

chronoboy64 · Dec 22, 2018

@all
I am very impressed about your individual skills to manage your serious problems. May watches allways be a little kind of Held / transmitter to be a bit more happy. Thats why we are here on OF for.
Have a great holiday season and please report about your holidays experiences here !
In love with you Hajo

Fost · Dec 23, 2018

GuiltyBoomerang
@Fost - thanks for the encouragement there. I was a bit surprised at myself today - I managed to totally forget a meetup that had been organised a few days in advance, and apologised profusely for that. It didn't hit me because I was totally absorbed with something else, and as far as I know, retraining my ways of thinking will be a rocky road.

We will get there, one slow step at a time.

Just do a little work for me Bro, during one week, everytime you have a ‘negative’ emotion (sadness, stress, fear, etc..)just right it down a paper with the associated thing you were thinking about at that moment (eg. I am one able to do that , I will never find a solution , I am a looser , nobody can help me etc...) Just write them ... then after a week... just look at the paper , read what you wrote and for every line, ask yourself ‘why I was thinking this? Is this real ? Do you have proof of that ? What would I say to someone with the same thinking ? Even if it is thrue , does it really matter ? Why ? ....
and one day you will understand that this type of thinking are ‘automatic thinking’ , no one is a looser for the neo cortex , he can’t even understand what does it means !
It is just an exemple but if you feel you need to work on it, just go to talk to someone who can help you (psychologist ) and your brain to re enter the right cognitism way !

Larry S · Dec 23, 2018

@Fost and @GuiltyBoomerang, my son (25) has severe ADHD ...he’s always struggled, takes antidepressant and Quilivent, but he made it through University in four years (at times his mother and I thought we were bringing Apollo 13 home though) has done a couple of post grad internships and is now freelancing for a digital ad agency. He beats himself up a lot for not tracking with the benchmarks he sees other young adults meeting. He is prone to manic behavior. He has taken to keeping a journal like you describe to channel all his negative thoughts (vs social media) and it has helped keep him centered and on track. He’s also doing volunteer work (dog rescue and Habitat For Humanity) on weekends ( gets him outside his head says he). He also does climbing and realizes he must work out everyday. Raising him has been a challenge but my wife and I both see a ton of positive growth in him of late. Keep at it gents ... it’s a marathon not a Sprint!

X350 XJR · Dec 23, 2018

As part of my ongoing battle with severe and presently debilitating depression, I spent a couple months earlier this year in an "Intensive Outpatient Program" at a local mental health facility. One of the things they teach in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is how to identify the distortions in our thinking, thinking which has been ingrained into our unconsciousness throughout our lives.

These are a couple handouts which may be useful.

Be patient with and kind to yourself. Remember it has taken us our entire lifetimes to come to where we are, undoing the damage from all those years is not going to come easily or quickly, but it certainly can be done.

S.H. · Dec 23, 2018

Very interesting check-list! These "distortions", they really can drag you down. But once you know what it is, you can clearly identify those bad trains of thought, see them as they are, and battle them.

I personally am extremely good at 7).

Keep up the work guys!

Reddy_Kilowatt · Dec 23, 2018

Best wishes to all the posters and lurkers in this thread.

nonuffinkbloke · Dec 23, 2018

Fakkin ell mate! Give yourself a break. I used to worry about procrastination when I was 16🙁... now I'm 61 I still worry about it.😟 The fact is that in the 45 years between 16 and 61 I spent a lot of time engaged in things that I enjoyed, rather than getting on with things that other people thought I ought to do.

Their advice was well intentioned and sound. If I had done things their way, maybe I would have more money now, but I would have used up the best years of my life doing things that I didn't want to do. As it happened, I returned to Further Education later in life and achieved the qualifications that I needed to pursue a career change.

Professional and educational success are wonderful things, but don't forget your most valuable commodities are your health and your time. You can always work out a way to earn more money later but you can't buy more time.😉

Fost · Dec 23, 2018

X350 XJR
As part of my ongoing battle with severe and presently debilitating depression, I spent a couple months earlier this year in an "Intensive Outpatient Program" at a local mental health facility. One of the things they teach in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is how to identify the distortions in our thinking, thinking which has been ingrained into our unconsciousness throughout our lives.

These are a couple handouts which may be useful.

Be patient with and kind to yourself. Remember it has taken us our entire lifetimes to come to where we are, undoing the damage from all those years is not going to come easily or quickly, but it certainly can be done.

This is the Beck columns. If you have time try to read Beck ‘s work... really interesting.
So does it help you ?

GuiltyBoomerang · Jan 7, 2019

I have, lately, been dabbling in making connections and relationships, and a gnawing itch in my body has burst:

It's ok to talk. Just making that effort to *START* something, no matter what, is immediate therapy to umpteen fears. It is the fear of something, and that fear is usually misfounded.

Rejection is normal. It is human behaviour. And while it hurts, OCPD can take that hurt and transform it into a fear of unfathomable depths to the point of crippling.

Sleeping less in order to train and gym has had visible results on my physical and mental wellness. I have visibly lost weight and people say I look great. Even then, there are times where I wonder if it is worth it, if I can achieve what I want, and is there actually a 'what' to what I do?

I'm hiding behind my muscles, to quote a Human of New York.

It brings to mind a thought from the movie "Fight Club" - that raw feeling of violence, blood, adrenaline and solidarity through a close community and kinship, is more powerful than the "(sorry) guys in the gym, trying to look like Calvin Klein."

I don't feel good when I'm not fit. Parodoxically, being fit brings that image of having to maintain a social media presence, however low it may be. Those likes, upvotes, thumbsup, view counts - they are metrics, numbers. Yet we treat them as validation of our efforts. And every dislike, downvote, deleted post - reinforces that feeling of feeling like what you do is worthless.

The days where I recognise my OCPD for what it is and give a fat middle finger up to the rationalisation are my peaceful days. And they tend to happen when I am tired, when I feel exhausted knowing work is in three hours, and I'm typing streams of conciousness on Facebook.

Look past the selfies, the fit images; there is always a better day today, and turn those short lived moments into true joy.

Even if they portray your true self.

GuiltyBoomerang · Feb 2, 2019

Briefly:

* I quit my job in childcare, after realising it wasn't quite the right fit
* My financial situation will mean I need to trim my watch collection
* While my night shift job is something I'm passionate about, translating what I want is like going through Bono's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
* Amitriptyline is potent for sleep...though not perhaps depression.

Danushkan · Aug 15, 2023

Dealing with depression is something that hits close to home for me. There have been times when it felt like a dark cloud hanging over, making even simple tasks seem like a mountain to climb.

Procrastination, Depression, Paralysis - A Turning Point

Wryfox

M'Bob

Wryfox

GuiltyBoomerang

Wryfox

GuiltyBoomerang

Nathan1967

Fost

GuiltyBoomerang

chronoboy64

Fost

Larry S

X350 XJR

S.H.

Reddy_Kilowatt

nonuffinkbloke

Fost

GuiltyBoomerang

GuiltyBoomerang

Danushkan

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