Procrastination, Depression, Paralysis - A Turning Point

GuiltyBoomerang · Jun 23, 2018

So today has been one of the not so nicest of days on medication.

There was probably a combination of:

* Not getting enough sleep due to:
- Being excited over a purchase, countered by finding out it was not the wisest choice by many, and
- Feeling burned by selling a watch on eBay that really only recovered the servicing costs

* Taking the medication without any food

* Just feeling like a lot of things wern't accomplished

It took some time to sit down with my mum and talk about all these issues, and I was pretty much feeling anxious and depressed and still am. It's an odd feeling when you get anxious and frustrated over your forecast budget, however that's exactly what happened.

And while positive words are nice sometimes, I do know that further counselling would be appreciated as sometimes the positive words seem so easy to achieve and you get into a habit of believing that "it's easy for you, try being in my shoes."

So while I have meandered today and cried and spoken out a lot of my frustrations, I know that I've done some tasks that were asked of me, I've forgotten some I was supposed to do, and balancing the two out has taken some time today to process because I was constantly thinking about just how much stuff I haven't done and obsessing over not meeting my budget next month by several dollars and thinking about what to sell next and wondering why someone could see there was a parking spot and not me and why some guy who had just parked their car refused to reverse it even though they were encroaching another car space and just why do I feel like this today of all days?

I probably need a nap and set times from looking at watches and eBay in general.

Spruce · Jun 24, 2018

It may be of small comfort but you wore and posted a lovely Polerouter and the sun shone brightly for the photo.

GuiltyBoomerang · Jun 25, 2018

Spruce
It may be of small comfort but you wore and posted a lovely Polerouter and the sun shone brightly for the photo.

Very kind words, much appreciated! I was feeling good at that time...and then the late morning to afternoon was a bit miserable. The nap helped somewhat and I felt a lot better yesterday.

Yesterday was my second appointment with the psychiatrist. We had some progress talk, particularly along the lines of dosage. I told him that while the current dose was good, I was starting to get tired by the late afternoon/early evening, and that it did occasionally make me feel kind of depressed/anxious. From this, my dosage will now be increased to include a 1-3 tablet dose in the late morning/afternoon to ensure that I will be at my optimal focus to just before bedtime. This obviously meant I will need to be on medication, and as a controlled substance down under, once the medicine is prescribed at one pharmacist it can only be received from the pharmacist and there is an exclusion period (to ensure you don't abuse/overdose on it.) I've found the split dose very beneficial and I could say my frustration levels are slightly lower.

We discussed about my levels of anxiety, and there's the possibility that my thought of being extremely "stubborn" on certain things was a perfectionist streak and part of compulsive behaviour - for example, collecting and hoarding items and having to justify why those were needed.

I've recognised some late habits I've been forming are quite at odds as to how I could be, and am working to make strategies to prevent them from happening as much, as well as making reminders in my phone/little black notebook to keep myself on track. I've also found that, even with medication, I can still go all over the place doing things and forget at times something I've left behind (especially if I don't have reminders) and I can browse to no tomorrow while at my work computer especially if I'm participating in a web seminar.

With money, I'm taking a deep breath and working out how to minimise not just the watches, but also the things I've hoarded and my own expenses. Taking things one day at a time.

omegaswisst · Jun 26, 2018

Hi @GuiltyBoomerang

Frustratingly, progress can be two steps forward and one step back at times.

I think you have come a long way since your first post and it's good to see you are developing strategies to help address issues you identify, both now and into the future.

larryganz · Jun 26, 2018

GuiltyBoomerang
Very kind words, much appreciated! I was feeling good at that time...and then the late morning to afternoon was a bit miserable. The nap helped somewhat and I felt a lot better yesterday.

Yesterday was my second appointment with the psychiatrist. We had some progress talk, particularly along the lines of dosage. I told him that while the current dose was good, I was starting to get tired by the late afternoon/early evening, and that it did occasionally make me feel kind of depressed/anxious. From this, my dosage will now be increased to include a 1-3 tablet dose in the late morning/afternoon to ensure that I will be at my optimal focus to just before bedtime. This obviously meant I will need to be on medication, and as a controlled substance down under, once the medicine is prescribed at one pharmacist it can only be received from the pharmacist and there is an exclusion period (to ensure you don't abuse/overdose on it.) I've found the split dose very beneficial and I could say my frustration levels are slightly lower.

We discussed about my levels of anxiety, and there's the possibility that my thought of being extremely "stubborn" on certain things was a perfectionist streak and part of compulsive behaviour - for example, collecting and hoarding items and having to justify why those were needed.

I've recognised some late habits I've been forming are quite at odds as to how I could be, and am working to make strategies to prevent them from happening as much, as well as making reminders in my phone/little black notebook to keep myself on track. I've also found that, even with medication, I can still go all over the place doing things and forget at times something I've left behind (especially if I don't have reminders) and I can browse to no tomorrow while at my work computer especially if I'm participating in a web seminar.

With money, I'm taking a deep breath and working out how to minimise not just the watches, but also the things I've hoarded and my own expenses. Taking things one day at a time.

You can see some rebound when the AM dose wears off, and splitting the dose can help prevent that. Hope it all goes well.

Andurs · Jun 27, 2018

Hi @GuiltyBoomerang

I'm new to this forum and after reading this whole thread I am happier than ever that I signed up.

I'm very impressed with your openness and honesty in recording your thoughts and feelings in such a mature way - not seeking or expecting sympathy but, I suspect, only wanting to be understood. I'm also really struck by the responses given by the other forum members. Mostly caring and well meaning advice - the kind of things good friends and family would offer. That's quite unusual in the vast anonymity of the interweb.

As a long term depression patient I know how important it is to have a robust support network - it seems like you have a good one right here - folk from the four corners of the world sharing a real concern for you, following your recovery process and hoping for the best outcome for you.

The only useful advice I can give is to keep on using the support that these guys are offering, if things are rough remember there should be someone on here you can "talk" to (given the spread of nationalities I'd think there will always be someone awake!). You can talk to me anytime, if you want to. I might not have any answers for you but I will try to help you work things out - I have many years experience of mental health issues to draw on. (Of course you'd need to be mad to seek advice from a mental health patient 🤨 )

They're just my opinions of course, like I said I'm new here and I don't really know anything (or anyone) yet but I thought you might appreciate the view from a new pair of eyes.

Small steps, one after another - you'll get there.
All the best,
Andy.

GuiltyBoomerang · Jun 28, 2018

@Andurs - thanks for your kind words! They helped brighten my day up today and I am grateful to everyone who has posted here too.

I've learnt the hard way that taking the equivalent of a 15mg dose of Adderall later than 1pm pretty much makes sleep a bit of a nightmare to accomplish. Queue me sleeping at 4am, long after the medication had worn off and I was trying to get too much done again as I had used the earlier time to fix up my WWW Buren, followed by waking up at 815am and supposed to be at work at 8am. Fire up the adrenaline rush of calling my workmate, boss and mum who were understandably upset and also understanding, and me somewhat beating myself up about it all.

All of them echoed one thought: that while the medications have been great, it has also prompted a cycle of breaking habits, as well as the rather dramatic lows when not on and after the medication. They were quite happy to lend me support and not let myself just blame the condition and use it as an excuse.

And while I agree with them, I know myself that I've let myself go somewhat. And I understand that the psychiatrist will diagnose but not cure, and therapy will be needed to rewire my brain.

Particularly as the post medication blues, combined with a lack of sleep, provide major impetus for my dopamine deprived brain to seek ways to get it firing quickly.

Especially driving this morning, and coming back from work, were rather miserable as I wasn't really focusing. The morning drive I definitely sped up purposely, and a couple of times it was passive to the point where it took me a second to realise I was going 30km/h over the speed limit. I shake my head a lot when a thought washes over me that I want to get rid of, and yes it's mainly all in my head and just coping probably won't cut it.

Focusing on the positives though, last night was great as I started reading a new book, enjoyed dinner with my dad, started building a bond with my pet rabbit and tinkering with new tools and watches. I succumbed to guilty pleasure today by buying a cover for my steering wheel, a couple more watch tools, and dinner at a cafe even though I knew full well that dinner was waiting at home. It's comfort food though...especially as the affogato is decaf.

Andurs · Jun 28, 2018

@GuiltyBoomerang - I definitely know what it feels like when body and brain are getting used to new meds. It's a process of acclimatisation to the different chemicals in your system. I seem to remember that the first 8 years are the worst after that it drops from torture level to just above nightmare. 😉 Just kidding. It won't be long until you have a suitable medication plan with the correct dosage at the most beneficial times. Just roll with it for now, discuss everything with your doc - make notes if you are having trouble remembering important points. Effective communication is key at this point, your doc needs to know everything relevant to the medication you are taking in order to tailor the package to your individual needs. Having said that, do not be afraid to disagree with the doc. If you feel uncomfortable with any aspect of the medication plan let them know about it as soon as possible - it's your body, it's your brain - nobody knows them better than you!

It can be quite helpful to schedule a time for reflection into your daily routine. Make this THE time to think over the days events, your thoughts and feelings and work out any niggles you may have. This period should not be more than an hour long and you must force yourself to stick to the timing. End of reflection time means end - move on to something else. Try not to overthink things. Don't replay the day over and over, it's not going to change, it is in the past. Try to reflect only on times when you have had a strong emotional response to something. If you have regrets about something that happened during the day accept your part in the event, think over ways it could have been better and use it as a positive learning experience not a reason to beat yourself up, that only leads to worse problems. DO NOT plan this reflection time at, or close to bed time, make sure you have time to read your book or watch a movie or some other distraction before going to bed. You should sleep better knowing you have already worked through any problems from that day. Obviously there will be times when things happen that you can't work through in reflection - I'm sorry to say that's just a normal part of life - shit happens (to everyone at some point). It's important to realise this and know that you can't blame yourself for it, shit happens and the shit would still happen even if you are a mile away at the time.

I have used this method for a long time now and it works for me. It can feel a bit weird at first, analysing your daily life but it gets easier as you progress through your journey towards good health. It may not suit you or you may need to adapt it to fit your own style and there is nothing wrong with that at all. But give it a try, it might mean the difference between a good,restful sleep and lying awake with the day buzzing through your brain.

OK, This post has been a bit of an epic so I'll get going now. Like I said before these are just my thoughts based on my personal experience. I post them here in the hope that they will help in some small way. If not you then possibly someone else will read this and benefit from it.

Stay the course and be positive. Things WILL get better. We are all behind you in this. (So we can give you a shove if you start to backpedal!!!)

Small steps, one after another. You will get there.
All the best,
Andy.

GuiltyBoomerang · Jul 4, 2018

@Andurs - thanks for those words, I did read them upon seeing them and thought about it at the time. After a week of, well, life, I really should implement that reflection time.

I have noticed that once I get a roll on something, I can focus on it quite well. Taking that next step is still a learning curve, and I've probably beat myself up a couple of times this week, particularly on being on time.

Things are slowly getting better, and will just have to adjust and manage.

Andurs · Jul 5, 2018

GuiltyBoomerang
@Andurs - thanks for those words, I did read them upon seeing them and thought about it at the time. After a week of, well, life, I really should implement that reflection time.

I have noticed that once I get a roll on something, I can focus on it quite well. Taking that next step is still a learning curve, and I've probably beat myself up a couple of times this week, particularly on being on time.

Things are slowly getting better, and will just have to adjust and manage.

No need to thank me, I'm just paying it forward.

You'll be fine. You know where you want to be and you have pointed yourself in the right direction to get there. That's the hardest part over with. The rest is all about moving forward a little bit at a time, creating good habits, learning to prioritise, rejecting perfectionism and accepting the little quirks and oddities that make us unique. It's hard to explain but once you get it everything becomes so much easier to deal with.

Take care of yourself and keep moving forward, one little step at a time. You'll get to where you need to be soon enough.

Shout up if you want someone to talk to. I usually check in here at least every couple of days.

MaiLollo · Jul 28, 2018

GuiltyBoomerang
@Andurs - thanks for those words, I did read them upon seeing them and thought about it at the time. After a week of, well, life, I really should implement that reflection time.

I have noticed that once I get a roll on something, I can focus on it quite well. Taking that next step is still a learning curve, and I've probably beat myself up a couple of times this week, particularly on being on time.

Things are slowly getting better, and will just have to adjust and manage.

Hey Guilt Boomerang,
I’ve been shown this blog & the author’s Ted Talks, very interesting. It made me think of you, give it a shot 😀

https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

GuiltyBoomerang · Aug 3, 2018

@MaiLollo - haha, funny you reference Tim Urban as he did get me motivated for a short while.

Of course, the procrastination side of things is something that needs to be tackled on the outer and no amount of pills will change that.

So a bit of an update...

I had a few hiccups and bumps the last couple of months - and many of them I realise were from my own endeavours/efforts/issues.

Not all were condition based. Not all were behaviour based.

They did all link to the way I was brought up though.

I found the courage to tell my father I was in a bit of a bad situation with money. I found the courage to tell my employer that the university was excluding me and I needed to lodge an appeal. I found the courage to start on uni work, no matter how short or how long I spent.

I told my father about my debts a few days before they were due. I told my employer about three days before an appeal letter was due. My uni work was and is a day or under a week away.

What I found was that the negative aspects of speaking your truth quietly and honestly were almost non-existent and that it was my psyche driving those feelings.

My father and I agreed to a debt consolidation plan. It was tough to say and map out; however it brought me more confidence.

My employer, doctor, university advocates and psychiatrist all gave me the information and support needed to hand in the appeal. I received notification from the university yesterday saying that I could continue and that I needed to show consistency.

These people have me their time when it was short and they all said that while I could have given more notice, it was better that I had spoken up before the situation got worse.

Do I have trauma leading to me saying no? Quite likely yes. Is my ongoing habit of reading materials other than uni work and spending a bit more time than expected doing so also a factor? Quite possibly. Is the delay in acting also an impulse? These questions drive me mad and reflecting on them can be painful but liberating.

I see now that much of the things I have done have placed burdens and pressure on others who have their done their best to support me. I can only now say that I am grateful for them and continue to be, and ask to be forgiven for those who I can't remember in shaping me.

I was looking at a TED talk about introverts and it struck me: I have heard people say I am an extrovert, since I seem to get on well and seem friendly enough, yet always believed I was an introvert because I enjoyed quiet, serenity, cruising at night in a car because I needed that freedom. The talker highlighted that "there is a middle ground" and perhaps that is me since I enjoy the best of both worlds.

I found this week during a conference that other people may share interests you never knew you had and can light up your precious previously acquired knowledge.

Medication certainly helps me focus and not speak too much. Off medication and I can certainly feel foggy and my brain can do some things I really can't comprehend.

Share your love equally and fairly, and prioritise, even if for a short while.

michael22 · Aug 3, 2018

Hopefully this positive experience of speaking up & receiving help will be a bit of a cornerstone. Remember it.

michael22 · Aug 3, 2018

MaiLollo
Hey Guilt Boomerang,
I’ve been shown this blog & the author’s Ted Talks, very interesting. It made me think of you, give it a shot 😀

https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

I can see a lot of that description in myself.

GuiltyBoomerang · Sep 1, 2018

So my adventures continue...

* My first uni assignment got marked and I got a distinction - which surprised me! The topic is also quite relevant and interesting to the point where it's been making a difference to the way I work (and understanding the frustration side of things)

* I started jogging and kicking a footy a couple of weeks back, and it also spurred me to take up the gym again. Exercise is definitely a mood elevator, and I am taking care to do it in allocated time or when my schedule is free.

* I am generally happy, and analysing why things don't go the way they do or working on solutions for overcoming things like social anxiety/inhibitions will take some more time as - and this is something that I'm still working out - is whether the comfort zone I have now can be expanded to take on more risk, or it's something I'm locked into. I definitely agree that doing something and asking for help is great; however it's the first step that matters.

Spring/Autumn is just round the corner and I wish everyone a great weekend!

michael22 · Sep 1, 2018

Great to hear. I too am looking forward to spring.

lillatroll · Sep 1, 2018

I have been reading your thread since you started it. I did not post anything as I am not qualified to give an informed opinion or offer correct advice about your issues, but I just wanted to say it is great that you are making progress and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you the very best with your journey and I am sure you will come out the other side a much stronger and more rounded person.

GuiltyBoomerang · Oct 20, 2018

October is coming to a close, and summing up two months after my last post...

* We have learnt that my apprehension to doing things is very possibly related to perceived failures in the past;
* A few of the coping mechanisms, including lying, were discussed at length, especially after my procrastination was tied to them;
* I passed my subject with a Distinction, which I humbly accept with gratitude and look on what went well and how to continue that.

Which leads to my psychiatrist appointment a couple of weeks ago.

"I don't believe you have Attention Deficit Disorder; rather, it is more likely to be Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OPCD)."

The DSM-IV defines OCPD to be the following:

"A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency..."

This new line of understanding was painful at the time, and the last couple of weeks have seen tears, sleepless nights, late attendances to work, and quite acute feelings of being down and anxious/fearful/impulsive.

What my psychiatrist noticed was that, despite my taking of notes and writing down detailed breakdowns of tasks to do on a daily basis, it was a pattern that has been ongoing for some time. At the time I wasn't aware of it, however it dawned on me slowly that some of the traits of OPCD as noted in the DSM-IV/V were quite relevant to me, either lifelong or periods of my life to this point.

I quite honestly struggled with the new diagnosis, especially when combined with the fact that I was to give up writing out my daily tasks and to adopt a routine of waking up, exercising, having breakfast, a shower and to undertake an hours worth of study before heading off to work. After work was free time with the proviso that I got enough sleep (6-8 hours).

And it has been up and down, as I felt like losing control over what to do was going to be difficult. "I need to do this, and that, or else I won't feel like I've achieved for today" was a thought that constantly got brought up. I spoke with a knowledgeable friend about these feelings, and looking at the DSM criteria and case studies together, it was more than highly likely that childhood experiences of not having my (undiagnosed condition hyperfocused) effort and process acknowledged and instead focusing on the outcome only served to turn everything into a rational process of "right" vs "wrong" and "Yes, but" counter arguments while trying to express my views.

Namely, of the 8 criteria in the DSM-IV, I fit 6 of them on a regular basis, and 2 occur on and off in cycles. The DSM-V makes the diagnosis more specific in that 1 of 2 markers in two types of functioning must be met in addition to meeting personality traits in two domains. I quite happily meet these requirements.

Yet some part of me also breaks down these OCPD walls and is more of an ADD behaviour; or rather, possible ADD actions occur as a result of the OCPD side of things falling apart:

* Saved up lots of money by being miserly with OCPD? Go ADD and be impulsive! Buy a laptop and go on holidays! Do it again and spend it on your (now) ex-girlfriend! Do it again and spend it on watches! (cough cough)

* Can't get a paragraph or sentence right? Keep deleting it and re-writing it. Again. And again. Repeat until you have one week left to hand in to your assignment and (because it goes against your condition of perfectionism) ask for help.

This last part is hard, and recognising that it is my condition making it difficult to do so is an important step in the healing process.

Wryfox · Oct 21, 2018

Coming late to the party, I want to write this in no specific way as a help to you but perhaps to others who may be a bit borderline on issues that may perhaps get worse if not attended.

1. Read 'Spark' by John Ratey. It is an incredible work of 20yrs of study into the scientific relationship between mind and body. It WILL change your thinking on how the mind works. It was a revolution for me.

2. However you do it, get enough sleep. A large % of what are thought to be mental issues are due to lack of sleep. It is amazing what a full restful sleep can do for your mental health, even for those with more than mild issues. I didn't realize how fitfull my sleep was until I finally got a real full nights sleep after several years of chasing a series of issues. Exercise helps this happen(makes you more physically tired). Melatonin can help too occasionally, but not if used for an extended period(a single or few days is ok, weeks is not). I also found that going to bed earlier (8 pm vs 10pm) helped as well. Its not easy to change a schedule to do this, but the critical nature of sleep made it mandatory for me, as my natural wake up is around 5am no matter what. For years I lived on 4-5hrs sleep. You can imagine the affect of chronic sleep deprivation. You get used to it(tolerate it) until you experience truly restful sleep.

3. There are 4 major brain chemicals that determine your mood and brain energy level: Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin, Endorphons.
Guess what effects all 4 positively(the only thing actually): Exercise. The level of exercise needed is related to your current fitness. If current fitness is poor, a little goes a long way. You might be surprised to find that many of the highest level athletes were depressed as children and found their own way to intense exercise as a relief.

From a diet standpoint, my doctor told me the most common cause of mild mood issues are vitamins and mineral deficiency:
Vitamin D
Vitamin B
Calcium
Magnesium
Zinc
Omega 3(fish oil)

All contribute to an essential brain chemical balance levels. A deficiency can lower these levels, and is very common issue with a modern diet.

And its easy and safe to correct. I had an extended panel done to evaluate these levels. The most critical are what they call the BCDs (Vit B, Calcium, Vit D). I was low in all of them. Supplements had a substantially positive affect on mood.

For me, regular exercise + BCD supplements(+Omega 3 Fish Oil) & restful sleep helped tremendously and prevented medication of any kind. I finally feel normal again.

If you consider the evolution of 99.9% of human history....it was tending to crops/herds or chasing food during the day(exercise), eating a variety of grains, berries, fruit, nuts, meats(grazing diet), and sleeping under dark starry nights with only nature as a distraction(restful sleep), you can understand why this is the best balance for human health.

My 0.02

akshayluc420 · Oct 21, 2018

Adding to @Wryfox's great post, specifically lack of Vitamins D3 and B12 contribute to abnormal moods and mental states. As they are both fat-soluble, they are also best taken with fish oil with high percentages of EPA & DHA relative to total fat content.

As an L&D practitioner I've often been bounced around the world for weeks at a stretch and acclimatising to the different time zones is mainly done with managing my sleep, and nothing helps more than a great pair of ear plugs (bell shaped NRR 33) and eye-masks. Shut all external stimuli out as much as possible, it'll help sleep but be wary of your mind racing to places which will drag you back into the abyss. Instead of counting sheep, I pretty much count long draws of breath till I drift away....

Procrastination, Depression, Paralysis - A Turning Point

GuiltyBoomerang

Spruce

GuiltyBoomerang

omegaswisst

larryganz

Andurs

GuiltyBoomerang

Andurs

GuiltyBoomerang

Andurs

MaiLollo

GuiltyBoomerang

michael22

michael22

GuiltyBoomerang

michael22

lillatroll

GuiltyBoomerang

Wryfox

akshayluc420

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