Community Stories

Menopause- Help!

CBM1590
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Barking mad Barking mad
Sorry in advance for the strange topic and lengthy post but desperate measures!

I am probably going through one of the hardest times of my life at the moment and it is all due to menopause and what used to be my darling wife.

I still love her dearly and the last thing in the world I want is a divorce but this insidious event of nature is almost making it inevitable. The situation is compounded by English not Vietnamese being my native language so sometimes a misplaced word is enough to ignite.

The previous eight months have been a living nightmare with constant fights that I had no idea why they were happening. After a lot of research I stumbled across the symptoms of menopause and she pretty well ticked every box which then presented the dilemma of how to raise the subject. As it turned out she mentioned it first due to an internet article about women entering menopause at a younger age and her older sister potentially menopausal.

Long story short it was agreed that she would visit the hospital for clarification and potential treatment. This happened and the doctor has put her on NMN24,000 which from my research is not a supplement the treatment but coincidentally this doctor sells NMN25,000.

Been a month now and not going well, Monday a massive meltdown and left with no contact since.

I guess why I am writing this is to seek suggestions from those who have been through menopause from both a male and definitely a female perspective.

I desperately want my marriage in tact and in her absence I am considering compromises in our life to alleviate current stresses and hopefully make things better for her.
Sorry to hear of the stress in your and your wife’s life, BM. As others have indicated, HRT is an option. I disagree that it is necessarily a short-term fix. My wife had to endure a total hysterectomy. While it took her and her doctor nearly a year to get the hormones balanced, it worked wonders and she still is on hormone replacement to this day.

You referenced early onset menopause in her sister and you have described the same in your wife. Please have her doctor pull a full hormonal panel and specifically check her levels of T3 and T4 (thyroid hormones). Hyperthyroidism mimics menopause in a number of ways, many of which you described. I had a friend who went through the same hell. His wife reluctantly agreed to get the hormone panel done. Verdict in that case: thyroid issue that was quickly resolved…and his sweet wife returned. (Side note: I’m not a MD, but do have a Ph.D. I teach, among other things, Human Anatomy and Physiology). Good luck Sir!
 
M'Bob
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CBM1590 CBM1590
Sorry to hear of the stress in your and your wife’s life, BM. As others have indicated, HRT is an option. I disagree that it is necessarily a short-term fix. My wife had to endure a total hysterectomy. While it took her and her doctor nearly a year to get the hormones balanced, it worked wonders and she still is on hormone replacement to this day.

You are correct, it can be used long-term, but the risks associated with that have been mostly established by the medical literature.
 
Dan S
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Everyone is different, this is really something that can benefit from thoughtful and individualized medical attention, and possibly counseling. I would be surprised if quality modern medical care is not available in Vietnam. You just may need to seek it out, and avoid "traditional" cures.
 
Zman4eva
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watchyouwant watchyouwant
In theory: Yes, stay above Board. In Practice: Not really. My Ex took me to Family Court. 18 months proceedings. Together: $ 120,000.00 costs for court/ Lawyers/not even Barristers... All accounts, cards, safe deposit boxes were shared between us. Before I was served with the divorce papers, my ex wife's lawyer told her to empty the 2 x safe deposit boxes. For leverage . All personal watches ( very, very rare ones ...) and expensive customer repairs gone. And my Families vintage Jewellery as well. Which I never got back. Moved to a different Bank and their safe deposit boxes in my wife's name . Saw them again 18 months later ... I reported the Lawyer to the Bar for unethical behavior. Was investigated by the Bar, but nothing happened to the Lawyer. Then the nightmare began. Anonymous tip off to the tax office. Which probed one year. All was fine. Then anonymous tip off to to the Bank Ombudsman for money laundering. All was fine. Then court ordered forensic accountant ( $15,000.00 ) to determine which watches were customers watches and which were mine and therefore 50% hers. 2 years paperwork ... I stayed out of this and imagine: 6x Omega Speedmasters without numbers for ID, which I claimed as customers repairs. All straight lugs. From 2915-3 to a few Ed Whites . Look all the same to an Accountant. Nothing came out of this either. And many other things .... The judge did not care one jota that the complete contents of 2 x company safe deposit boxes were stolen. And that teached me a lesson. Which I tried to convey here .... Things get quickly and absolute unexpected out of hands. We have 2 daughters and were married for 26 years. In the end the Family was broken, I had to fire sale my collection and settled partly with that ; plus a mortgage and bought my wife her own house. It's part of life . Just be prepared .

Thank you for sharing. It was sad to read. 26 years and two kids and it ends like this.

It makes you really think. Nothing lasts forever so it's best to enjoy the moment.
 
CBM1590
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M'Bob M'Bob
You are correct, it can be used long-term, but the risks associated with that have been mostly established by the medical literature.
Virtually everything in life requires a cost (risk) / benefit analysis. The results of such an analysis can be very individualized.
 
Canuck
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gbesq gbesq
I haven't gone through this specific situation, but I can offer two pieces of general advice. First, don't neglect your own needs. You can't take care of her if you're not taking care of yourself. Second, when you are being reasonable and she is not, stand your ground. If you let yourself become a doormat, you'll only enable more of that behavior from her. Finally, with all due respect to Achim, planning ahead for a divorce by moving assets to "safer" locations is generally not a good idea. If there is a divorce, you'll very likely have to disclose your income and assets as part of the proceeding and judges look very dimly upon any pre-divorce behavior that they perceive as not being above board. I hope things work out for you and for her.

It has just occurred to me (after 58 years of marriage to the the same girl), how fortunate I am!
 
gbesq
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Canuck Canuck
It has just occurred to me (after 58 years of marriage to the the same girl), how fortunate I am!
Indeed you are, sir. Very few of us have that kind of track record. I would imagine that the two of you made your own fortunate circumstances to a large degree. Compatability is essential, but as change is inevitable, so is flexibility and working at a relationship every day. It's great to hear that after 58 years that you are fortunate AND that you know it.
 
Dan S
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CBM1590 CBM1590
Virtually everything in life requires a cost (risk) / benefit analysis. The results of such an analysis can be very individualized.
Indeed, the fact that there is some risk does not immediately dictate a decision. For example, someone with extreme symptoms and who has normal risks for cancer might reasonably make different decisions than someone with modest symptoms and high familial/genetic cancer risk. I think that many women (and couples) wrestle privately with these choices.
Edited:
 
watchyouwant
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Thanks, all is good now. I see it as part of life. Watches are just Things and we are guardians for rare watches. In my case, the guardian ship went to others. We have 2 kids and with that come responsibilities. We are on the same page now to benefit our kids and are on speaking terms. My ex wife learned a lesson, which unfortunately I had to finance. Lawyers/Courts are not there to determine, who is right or wrong. It is a vehicle to make sure, the Family court cares for the kids and is in place to provide for Lawyers and courts. The funny side in my case is , that I made an offer before proceedings started. That offer was $20,000.00 short of the rulings after 18 months of proceedings, that cost us a combined $ 120,000.00 and 2 traumatized daughters. So, avoid that scenario.
 
Bruce235
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My wife drank a lot more red wine which seemed to help. She also has two older sisters to consult with and she is an RN.
She could recognize the cause of her moods and I am not one to argue in the first place.
Her bigger issue was lots of body pain , so moods were secondary.
It's not a bad idea to keep a go bag in you car trunk in case you find yourself locked out. Worked well for my brother.
Sounds like you and your wife could benefit from pro counseling or at least some female support that your wife trusts, like mother, aunt, cousin, church member, etc.
 
RevZMan123
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Dan S Dan S
Indeed, the fact that there is some risk does not immediately dictate a decision. For example, someone with extreme symptoms and who has normal risks for cancer might reasonably make different decisions than someone with modest symptoms and high familial/genetic cancer risk. I think that many women (and couples) wrestle privately with these choices.

Funny you should mention this. My wife is 48 and going through both early menopause along with a genetic form of breast cancer (palb2/braca3) ... it's been a trying time for sure. Hospital bills have been ok and mostly dealt with (crazy I had to pay 50% of the PET scan but they covered all of the 1st chemo [so far, bills are still coming in]). We have been married for 17 years, hung out with each other since the mid 90s, known each other since we were kids growing up on opposite sides of the same town but our parents had a mutual bestie. I know I'm not going anywhere so I sure hope she sticks it out. It's been a bit harrowing but I'm trying to be as understanding as possible, this time has got to suck for my lady.

@Mad Dog ... Not legal advice, but get a lawyer: Hell go set up an irrevocable trust, move assets into a trust, make someone you trust the executor should the worst happen to you, have all your plans in that trust document. Any items in that trust don't exist but make sure those are documented trust purchases so it's known they were bought with trust funds. Look into "postnup laws" in your state. Good luck.
 
jsducote
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My wife was Vietnamese (born there, but American through-and-through) and I wish I could ask her for you, but I say *was* because she passed away 2 years ago (789 days, but who's counting). She had a bit of early onset menopause as well, mostly just hot flashes but a little bit of moodiness. Then there was some rapid weight gain which we soon learned was due to stage 3/4 uterine/endometrial cancer. A year and a half of treatments, but she didn't make it to her 50th birthday. I'll be in VN (Hai Duong, plus others) at the end of May to bury her ashes next to her father.

All this not to say "poor me," but stick with going to proper doctors and getting as many 2nd opinions as you can.
 
wagudc
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jsducote jsducote
My wife was Vietnamese (born there, but American through-and-through) and I wish I could ask her for you, but I say *was* because she passed away 2 years ago (789 days, but who's counting). She had a bit of early onset menopause as well, mostly just hot flashes but a little bit of moodiness. Then there was some rapid weight gain which we soon learned was due to stage 3/4 uterine/endometrial cancer. A year and a half of treatments, but she didn't make it to her 50th birthday. I'll be in VN (Hai Duong, plus others) at the end of May to bury her ashes next to her father.

All this not to say "poor me," but stick with going to proper doctors and getting as many 2nd opinions as you can.

Thank you for sharing your story, it is a reminder to appreciate the ones you love while they are here. We live in a rural area and it is hard to get a doctor and when you do they often leave the area. My wife is past due for a medical check-up after her doctor left. I will insist that she go after reading this.
Edited:
 
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