Community Stories

Menopause- Help!

Barking mad
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Sorry in advance for the strange topic and lengthy post but desperate measures!

I am probably going through one of the hardest times of my life at the moment and it is all due to menopause and what used to be my darling wife.

I still love her dearly and the last thing in the world I want is a divorce but this insidious event of nature is almost making it inevitable. The situation is compounded by English not Vietnamese being my native language so sometimes a misplaced word is enough to ignite.

The previous eight months have been a living nightmare with constant fights that I had no idea why they were happening. After a lot of research I stumbled across the symptoms of menopause and she pretty well ticked every box which then presented the dilemma of how to raise the subject. As it turned out she mentioned it first due to an internet article about women entering menopause at a younger age and her older sister potentially menopausal.

Long story short it was agreed that she would visit the hospital for clarification and potential treatment. This happened and the doctor has put her on NMN24,000 which from my research is not a supplement the treatment but coincidentally this doctor sells NMN25,000.

Been a month now and not going well, Monday a massive meltdown and left with no contact since.

I guess why I am writing this is to seek suggestions from those who have been through menopause from both a male and definitely a female perspective.

I desperately want my marriage in tact and in her absence I am considering compromises in our life to alleviate current stresses and hopefully make things better for her.
 
Fallout Boy
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All the best from me my friend! May your fate change for the better. I'm not a specialist, we were lucky, my wife had her uterus removed after massive bleeding and light depression-episodes.
She's doing well so far, maybe because she's a .gestagen-type - less oestrogen.

(Sorry, I try to translate from German to English.)
 
ghce
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Barking mad Barking mad
Sorry in advance for the strange topic and lengthy post but desperate measures!

I am probably going through one of the hardest times of my life at the moment and it is all due to menopause and what used to be my darling wife.

I still love her dearly and the last thing in the world I want is a divorce but this insidious event of nature is almost making it inevitable. The situation is compounded by English not Vietnamese being my native language so sometimes a misplaced word is enough to ignite.

The previous eight months have been a living nightmare with constant fights that I had no idea why they were happening. After a lot of research I stumbled across the symptoms of menopause and she pretty well ticked every box which then presented the dilemma of how to raise the subject. As it turned out she mentioned it first due to an internet article about women entering menopause at a younger age and her older sister potentially menopausal.

Long story short it was agreed that she would visit the hospital for clarification and potential treatment. This happened and the doctor has put her on NMN24,000 which from my research is not a supplement the treatment but coincidentally this doctor sells NMN25,000.

Been a month now and not going well, Monday a massive meltdown and left with no contact since.

I guess why I am writing this is to seek suggestions from those who have been through menopause from both a male and definitely a female perspective.

I desperately want my marriage in tact and in her absence I am considering compromises in our life to alleviate current stresses and hopefully make things better for her.

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

Been there done that.

First word of advice is that hormonal changes are some of the hardest to deal with and many MD's in general practice haven't the foggiest idea of what to do except playing from the outdated and frankly dubious songbook invented in the 1950's.

Try and find a clinic that specializes in hormones and treatment, real ones are few and far between, if you were in the US I would suggest Defy.

Thankfully women's issues are a little better understood than men's but even so real treatments are tailored to the individual and no cookie cutter solutions provide best outcomes.
 
Larry S
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It’s part of life and all you can do is seek medical advice and counseling. It does pass. Hormone treatment is problematic due to longer term heath impacts. There is no one size fits all or magic bullet here. Perhaps examine how your reactions and behavior might be triggering her. Went through it, still married. It ushers in a different life chapter.
 
Barking mad
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Larry S Larry S
It’s part of life and all you can do is seek medical advice and counseling. It does pass. Hormone treatment is problematic due to longer term heath impacts. There is no one size fits all or magic bullet here. Perhaps examine how your reactions and behavior might be triggering her. Went through it, still married. It ushers in a different life chapter.
Thanks Larry,
I have been trying to modify my behavior and identify potential flags but still get blindsided.
Professional help here in Vietnam is not so easy but I am willing to try.
I am about to try and take a bunch of stress out of our lives. I am hoping I get the chance to do it together.
 
p4ul
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They become banshees….but it does pass so try and take up all the slack. It is challenging I know.

We are all individuals so some supplements help some people but it is entirely random which and who, so no simple answer. (I know this because I have thrown away a suitcase full of expensive herbal crap!) The one you mention seems low to zero on evidence as far as I can see.
HRT has risks, as does everything, but can be a marriage/life saver.

This is a useful to understand what is happening.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/menopause/

If she has recognised the problem you might be able to use it as a starting point to discuss?
IMO you need a specialist to handle the case, can friends or family make local recommendations?

Good luck.
 
Barking mad
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My wife is Vietnamese and we are in Vietnam. I don’t know how traditionally they deal with it if at all.
She has recognized it and I thought we were working on it together.
If I get the opportunity the plan is to put all on hold as far as projects go and go back to Saigon and determine what options exist.
Unfortunately there has been no contact since Monday and i have to wait for her to instigate.
I am prepared to do whatever is needed and in no way want a divorce but it is not all my decision.
 
watchyouwant
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Been there. , done that. Incl. the Divorce . Not much you can do regarding her Symptoms. If it gets too heavy, you can try to act as she does and blame on your own Menopause. Tell her you understand well , because you experience the same Symptoms and together you can overcome that ... Better plan ahead of a Divorce is a possibility. Rent a safe deposit box for your valuables like watches, precious metals , titles aso. The first thing her lawyer will do, is block your access. If that is a possibility, leave maybe 5 cheap things in that box and rent a 2. Box with a different Bank. No account there, just the box and pay cash in advance for 2 years . Sounds not nice, but it is quite unimaginable, what will happen in case of a divorce ... All Fingers crossed for you. Paws as well .... Achim
IMG_20210605_102425.jpg
View attachment 1757238
 
gbesq
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I haven't gone through this specific situation, but I can offer two pieces of general advice. First, don't neglect your own needs. You can't take care of her if you're not taking care of yourself. Second, when you are being reasonable and she is not, stand your ground. If you let yourself become a doormat, you'll only enable more of that behavior from her. Finally, with all due respect to Achim, planning ahead for a divorce by moving assets to "safer" locations is generally not a good idea. If there is a divorce, you'll very likely have to disclose your income and assets as part of the proceeding and judges look very dimly upon any pre-divorce behavior that they perceive as not being above board. I hope things work out for you and for her.
 
BAJJ
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Patience and understanding, and lots of it, it's a terribly difficult time for the female members of society. I am cautious about posting my experience on this for fear of offending our female members but that certainly is not my intention. Symptoms vary, but in my experience the hot flushes, brain fog and lack of sleep are the worst. Mrs BAJJ tried to tough it out for a few years but the toll on her was too great so she eventually went to the Doc and started HRT, hormone replacement treatment, all I can say is that is a lifesaver. There can be a lot of stigma attached to this but times are changing, 10 years ago no one talked about the Menopause and HRT but that has changed and now it is a more mainstream and it's more understood and accepted, indeed some advocate positive health benefits of HRT. An old friend of mine is a menopause expert with regular Instagram posts on the subject, https://www.instagram.com/dr_fionabarry?igsh=MTZyc3l1cGQ2enI2aQ==
@dr_fionabarry lots of information here that may be of use to you and maybe your wife too.
Good luck
 
BAJJ
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gbesq gbesq
Second, when you are being reasonable and she is not, stand your ground.
Sorry to disagree on this one, but confronted with a menopausal woman this is the worst approach, in my experience
 
hen
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Sorry to hear about your problems, stay strong and hang in there. Easy for me to say as all my wife have are hot flashes.

All the best to you and your wife.
 
watchyouwant
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In theory: Yes, stay above Board. In Practice: Not really. My Ex took me to Family Court. 18 months proceedings. Together: $ 120,000.00 costs for court/ Lawyers/not even Barristers... All accounts, cards, safe deposit boxes were shared between us. Before I was served with the divorce papers, my ex wife's lawyer told her to empty the 2 x safe deposit boxes. For leverage . All personal watches ( very, very rare ones ...) and expensive customer repairs gone. And my Families vintage Jewellery as well. Which I never got back. Moved to a different Bank and their safe deposit boxes in my wife's name . Saw them again 18 months later ... I reported the Lawyer to the Bar for unethical behavior. Was investigated by the Bar, but nothing happened to the Lawyer. Then the nightmare began. Anonymous tip off to the tax office. Which probed one year. All was fine. Then anonymous tip off to to the Bank Ombudsman for money laundering. All was fine. Then court ordered forensic accountant ( $15,000.00 ) to determine which watches were customers watches and which were mine and therefore 50% hers. 2 years paperwork ... I stayed out of this and imagine: 6x Omega Speedmasters without numbers for ID, which I claimed as customers repairs. All straight lugs. From 2915-3 to a few Ed Whites . Look all the same to an Accountant. Nothing came out of this either. And many other things .... The judge did not care one jota that the complete contents of 2 x company safe deposit boxes were stolen. And that teached me a lesson. Which I tried to convey here .... Things get quickly and absolute unexpected out of hands. We have 2 daughters and were married for 26 years. In the end the Family was broken, I had to fire sale my collection and settled partly with that ; plus a mortgage and bought my wife her own house. It's part of life . Just be prepared .
 
Barking mad
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BAJJ BAJJ
Sorry to disagree on this one, but confronted with a menopausal woman this is the worst approach, in my experience
You are exactly right @BAJJ, standing your ground is ok with someone who is in a rational state of mind. My experience so far it has made her totally irrational, which I think she is also aware of and just compounds the problem. I understand it is something that she has no control over and I want to help however I can so that we both come out the other side intact.
If I get the opportunity I will take her to an international hospital in HCMC for a proper consult which I hope will suggest counseling for the both of us as I need help to help her.
 
gbesq
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Barking mad Barking mad
You are exactly right @BAJJ, standing your ground is ok with someone who is in a rational state of mind. My experience so far it has made her totally irrational, which I think she is also aware of and just compounds the problem. I understand it is something that she has no control over and I want to help however I can so that we both come out the other side intact.
If I get the opportunity I will take her to an international hospital in HCMC for a proper consult which I hope will suggest counseling for the both of us as I need help to help her.
I certainly don’t pretend to have all the answers. Obviously, you have to proceed as you think best for your situation. Really sorry for both of you that you’re going through this.
 
BAJJ
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Barking mad Barking mad
You are exactly right @BAJJ, standing your ground is ok with someone who is in a rational state of mind. My experience so far it has made her totally irrational, which I think she is also aware of and just compounds the problem. I understand it is something that she has no control over and I want to help however I can so that we both come out the other side intact.
If I get the opportunity I will take her to an international hospital in HCMC for a proper consult which I hope will suggest counseling for the both of us as I need help to help her.
That sounds like a good idea, I wish you the best with it.
 
M'Bob
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watchyouwant watchyouwant
In theory: Yes, stay above Board. In Practice: Not really. My Ex took me to Family Court. 18 months proceedings. Together: $ 120,000.00 costs for court/ Lawyers/not even Barristers... All accounts, cards, safe deposit boxes were shared between us. Before I was served with the divorce papers, my ex wife's lawyer told her to empty the 2 x safe deposit boxes. For leverage . All personal watches ( very, very rare ones ...) and expensive customer repairs gone. And my Families vintage Jewellery as well. Which I never got back. Moved to a different Bank and their safe deposit boxes in my wife's name . Saw them again 18 months later ... I reported the Lawyer to the Bar for unethical behavior. Was investigated by the Bar, but nothing happened to the Lawyer. Then the nightmare began. Anonymous tip off to the tax office. Which probed one year. All was fine. Then anonymous tip off to to the Bank Ombudsman for money laundering. All was fine. Then court ordered forensic accountant ( $15,000.00 ) to determine which watches were customers watches and which were mine and therefore 50% hers. 2 years paperwork ... I stayed out of this and imagine: 6x Omega Speedmasters without numbers for ID, which I claimed as customers repairs. All straight lugs. From 2915-3 to a few Ed Whites . Look all the same to an Accountant. Nothing came out of this either. And many other things .... The judge did not care one jota that the complete contents of 2 x company safe deposit boxes were stolen. And that teached me a lesson. Which I tried to convey here .... Things get quickly and absolute unexpected out of hands. We have 2 daughters and were married for 26 years. In the end the Family was broken, I had to fire sale my collection and settled partly with that ; plus a mortgage and bought my wife her own house. It's part of life . Just be prepared .

Sorry to hear, that is absolutely horrendous. We’re all taught to rise above, and forgive, but I will confess straight out that in the situation you describe, it would be extremely hard not to be bitter. Hope things have since improved, and if you’ve found a way to successfully move beyond, please let us know, as I for one would appreciate that wisdom.

And just to be clear: my “like” above is for the courageous post.
 
Larry S
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One other note. I was traveling overseas continuously during that phase. My wife was home alone with our school age son, sometimes for weeks. We had some tough conversations. Not a bad idea to try to be home more. Our internist, a woman, was dead set against HRT because of a history of breast cancer in my wife’s family.
 
M'Bob
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Barking mad Barking mad
You are exactly right @BAJJ, standing your ground is ok with someone who is in a rational state of mind. My experience so far it has made her totally irrational, which I think she is also aware of and just compounds the problem. I understand it is something that she has no control over and I want to help however I can so that we both come out the other side intact.
If I get the opportunity I will take her to an international hospital in HCMC for a proper consult which I hope will suggest counseling for the both of us as I need help to help her.

Hormone replacement therapy can be quite mitigating in the short run, which is what it’s intended for. Not long term use.
 
gbesq
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M'Bob M'Bob
Sorry to hear, that is absolutely horrendous. We’re all taught to rise above, and forgive, but I will confess straight out that in the situation you describe, it would be extremely hard not to be bitter. Hope things have since improved, and if you’ve found a way to successfully move beyond, please let us know, as I for one would appreciate that wisdom.

And just to be clear: my “like” above is for the courageous post.
And I agree, that is a horrendous experience. It's so disheartening that it too often comes to this between individuals who once loved each other enough to build a life together. Unfortunately, it's not that uncommon. When I first went to work as a lawyer in private practice and was asked which practice group I wanted to affiliate myself with, my answer was "anything but divorce and family law."
 
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