I love morbid humor. I have a few morgue jokes that I think are totally hilarious but having a slightly developed sense of propriety I cannot share them here. @dougiedude 's fisherman joke reminded me of this one that I can tell here:

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

 

An old jewish man that was a business man all his life, was ready to die and he asked for his 3 sons to come fast
to tell them goodbye.

His sons came in the room and the old man with his eyes shut started to talk.

* Abell are you here?
-Yes father.

* Dabi are you here?
-Yes father,I'm here.

* Eder are you here?
-Yes my beloved father.


* Than who the fuck is in the shop???

 

The story goes that a woman was viewing her deceased husband's body in the funeral parlour. She was shown the wrong body. Her husband was wearing a blue suit, the other body was of a larger man who was wearing a brown suit. The woman confided in the attendant that she had always hated the blue suit, and asked if they could swap suits on the two bodies. The attendant said they would attend to it. On the day of the funeral, her husband's body was displayed in the other body's brown suit. She commented on how good he looked, and asked how they made the brown suit fit so well. "We didn't swap suits", she was told. "We swapped heads!

 

Subject: The Toilet Seat

My wife, Juliehad been after me for several weeks to re-paintthe wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing itwhile Julie was out.


After finishing, I left to take care of another matter beforeshe returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Beforegetting into the shower, she sat on the toilet.As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dryepoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I gothome and realized her predicament.We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever Finallyin desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped asheet around herself. I drove her to the hospital emergency room.The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study howto free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this !).Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like thisbefore."The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

My bank account after joining OmegaForums.net

 

One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
"If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"
"None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
"That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."

Then little Johnny asks the teacher,
"If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one bitting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
"The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.
"That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."

 

why did the sun shine on nov 1?

 

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

 

Can´t help to love him

 

You hear about the guy born without eyelids?
They circumcised him and used the extra skin to create his eyelids.
Problem is he came out cockeyed.

 

Japanese Restaurant spotted in the main terminal building of the Kuala Lumpur International Airport ( KLIA ) Malaysia

 

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant". He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

 

@Tubber

It was funnier on page 3.

 

After that long one!

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?


One snatches watches........

 

The difference between a carnival and a burlesque show? One in a cunning array of stunts!

 

One of my all time favs (or at least one that I remember)



A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"

"Sure it is," argues the caller.

"Well then use it in a sentence," says the DJ.

The caller replies "Goan f#ck yourself!"

The DJ quickly hangs up.

About 30 minutes and many calls later, no one has won the contest and the DJ answers yet another call.

When asked, the caller says, "Smee...S-M-E-E...Smee."

The DJ shakes his head and says, "I don't think that's real word. Can you please use that in a sentence caller?"

To which the caller responds, "It's Smee again......Goan fuck yourself!"

 

What did the snowman say to another snowman?
It smells like carrots out here.

Where does Frosty keep his cash?
In the snow banks.

Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.