Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

Courtesy of my Scottish friend:


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SCOTTISH COW.




The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice."Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland"

How many prophylactics does it take to make a tire?............................................. 365 makes a good year!

Subject: SHAGGY DOG STORY




All the old ones are the best!


As a Butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note inhis mouth, reading, "8 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouthand quickly closes the shop.
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He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look bothways and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
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The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
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When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front, looks at the number,then boards the bus.
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The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into thesuburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
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After a while he stands on his back paws, pushes the "stop" bell andgets off. The butcher follows.
The dog runs up to a house, drops his bag on the steps and barksrepeatedly. No answer.
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He goes back down the path, takes a big run and throws himself,‘whap’, against the door. He does this over and over. No answer.
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So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at awindow, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
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The butcher runs up screaming at the guy: "What the hell are youdoing? Stop screaming at the dog....he’s a !@#$%ing genius!"
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The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this weekhe's forgotten his key!"