Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

THE END IS NEAR

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland,
and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which reads:
"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:
"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa, Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say:

"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

Trump has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. “No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said,

"**Monica, you're free to go*!"*

(Shamelessly lifted from another forum)

A nun gets into a taxi and the driver won't stop staring at her. She asks why and he replies: "I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you've been a nun as long as I have, you've heard just about everything.. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always fantasised about being kissed by a nun."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But then the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Unfortunately not a joke as such.
My grand niece came by one day to ask for my help with her car.
The car often failed to start mainly because she left the radio playing a lot when parked running down the battery. A mechanic at a service station told her the battery wasn't holding a good charge so she should get a new battery.
She told me all this then held out a bag with packs of C cell, D cell, AA and AAA batteries. She said she didn't know which size the radio took and couldn't find the battery compartment for the radio on the dash.

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"