Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

Mouse_at_Large
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I quite don't know why, but I think it's high time for some Emo Phillips 😀

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!"

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the Devil on how to become more evil… I don’t know how much she charges him though."

::rimshot::
 
Edward53
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Emo also said:

I'm a great lover. I'll bet!

and

Oh yes, I've tried my hand at sex.
 
Tony C.
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russpoop.jpg
 
Wivac
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Why do Anarchists drink herbal tea?

Coz, proper tea is theft
 
M'Bob
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wsfarrell wsfarrell
A couple of takes on gullibility:

Did you know the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary?
 
Canuck
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Yah! You’d like me to believe you, and go check! Sorry!
 
JimInOz
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Edward53 Edward53
Save The Trees! Eat More Beavers!

"Is that a direct order?"

"HUH?"

"Sir! Yes Sir!"

Army: <grabs gun, goes to hunt beavers>

Navy: < Hi Honey, can I buy you a drink?>

Air Force: <Hey, I'm a Fighter Pilot, buy me a drink and take me home!>

😁
 
Paedipod
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so I'm out walking yesterday evening.......
IMG_0271.jpeg


still walking but no watch in sight.::rimshot::
 
Mouse_at_Large
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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, to explain why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
 
Mouse_at_Large
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fυcking fault!
 
Tony C.
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Some of the things on the internet that I find the funniest are not really jokes...

gma5.jpg
 
wsfarrell
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M'Bob M'Bob
Did you know the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary?
I knew that. Did you know that if you whisper "gullible" it sounds like "oranges"?
 
Canuck
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I am surprised at what passes, and what doesn’t in this thread. I recently told a joke about how fast a particular group of young men in a particular country could strip and repaint a forumla one race car, and the joke was pulled! Yet the two wings and an arrow joke (?) is allowed to remain! 😕 🤨
 
W
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Dinner was great but midway through another patron started choking.
Someone yelled “Does anyone know the Heimlich Maneuver?”

A lady at the next table jumped up, raised her hand and said “I’m Vegan”.
 
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